I relate FULLY. Whenever something goes wrong, my first instinct is either to self injure (which I haven't done for quite awhile) or deal with food. I just restrict like crazy because I don't want to feel anything. When I am restricting I am focused on just food and exercise and I don't have to think about things that hurt me. Than after a few weeks I start wanting bites of everything I haven't let myself eat, and I throw it up. Losing weight all the way.

A few months ago I was at a stable weight but just as miserable. I totally relate to your desire to be able to cope with something other than food. But at the same time I am petrified to let it go. I have coped with food for six years and I have no idea what I did before than, I was only a child. I feel like I still am because I haven't learned how to cope and grow up.

I am the same way. It's really been bringing me down lately. I don't know what else to say. Just hang in there. Your in my prayers. :)

You wrote EXACTLY what I'm going thru right now. I'm working with a medical team and every day they ask if I want to get over this. The first thought in my head is I don't know, because depending on the second my answer flips from yes to no and back. I'm fearful that I will never "get over" this, but I don't want to coexist with it either. Maybe that makes some sense cause at the moment it feels like no one else knows what I'm trying to say. Thank you for sharing.

The worst thing for me is that I know I am playing games with myself. When you said "justifying counting calories" I know just what you mean. I know I am not supposed to, but I come up with reasons why I have to.

And then I tell myself I have these goals (I even put them as goals on this site) but deep down I don't really try to achieve them. In order to get better, you really have to want to. And it is so hard to want to when ED has been part of your life for so long.

my big problem is that i know i want to fully recover, but i don't know how. i have no clue how to function or otherwise deal with my emotions without my ED. it is much easier for me to eat if i am eating with at least one other person. but my dad's various health issues keep him in bed a lot. i am disabled, and my dad's house is very difficult for me to get around in. all the things i can't do are constantly staring me in the face, and i can't get away from it. it is much easier to just starve myself since no one seems to notice anyway. i have been trying to eat, but it's so hard to eat alone because all i can ever think about is how i shouldn't be eating in the first place. besides, i hate being alone.

when I was in treatment I was taught - "don't play with your food" . I was told to stick to the food plan - I know, easier said than done but Ed is about control and we need to give it up. sticking to a food plan will help.