Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
Hi everyone, I'm new here and hoping to connect with people who understand this problem.
I've struggled with bulimia for years in complete secrecy. No one, literally no one, family, boyfriend or friends, knows. I'm so ashamed of it and don't want to be associated with the disorder because of my guilt and shame about it.
I frequently binge and purge :( I hate that I do it, and I keep telling myself and intend to stop. But if I have an evening alone, that part of my brain just takes over and wants to numb and sedate myself with food and junk. Loads of it. I think I get lonely easily and comfort myself with food. I grew up in a way where food was a replacement for love. When I was very young, my mom used to get me lots of candy and put me in front of the TV with cartoon so I could "have fun". Then she would leave me alone while she went out to get drunk. Once the candy was gone, and the cartoons where over, it was dark, scary, and I was alone. I would call her and ask where she was. She would reply with a drunk voice that confuswd me, I think I was too young to understand. She would occasionally come back to put me to bed, but then she would leave and I was alone in the dark again. I think this is where some of my disorder stems from. I don't blame my mother. I know parenting is hard, and she was trying her best. But I associate food with love, and will overeat whenever I'm alone and feel like an abandoned child even now as an adult (I'm 25).
After childhood and into my teens, other circumstances added to my food issues. Some of my friends developed anorexia, and I started behaving like them too. Restricting my intake then binging whenever I had the opportunity. I've had bulimia on and off for the last 7 years or so. When I live with people I don't do it, but for the last 5 years I've had a very lonely life where I fill the emotional hole with food. I'm so embarassed about it I can't share it with anyone I know. But I can't keep going on like this so I need to reach out. I gues this is the first step.
I'm the typical perfectionist. I come across as a confident high achiever, where I did excellent in my studies (ironically I'm a qualified nutritionist, which makes me just even more ashamed that I have this problem. I feel like I should know better). But the reality is that I'm also an insecure person who struggles in secrecy. I feel like if I tell people close to me about my problem, they will be discusted and dissapointed with me and their perception of me will change. I do remember one time, while I was living with my mom, I think she heard me purging in the bathroom (I thought she wouldn't) When I came out, she looked at me with judgement and resent, saying how could I waste her money by literally throwing it down the toilet. There was no empathy and I felt so small and stupid. Hence not wanting to tell anyone, and keeping my destructive habit to myself.
Anywho... I just really want to rid this horrible habit, get on with my life and not be a person who can't be alone without binging and purging. I hope I reaching out here and talking to some people who understands might help.
I really appreciate any feedback... Living with this secret is something I simply cannot do anymore... Thank you to anyone who can share their thoughts...
I've struggled with bulimia for years in complete secrecy. No one, literally no one, family, boyfriend or friends, knows. I'm so ashamed of it and don't want to be associated with the disorder because of my guilt and shame about it.
I frequently binge and purge :( I hate that I do it, and I keep telling myself and intend to stop. But if I have an evening alone, that part of my brain just takes over and wants to numb and sedate myself with food and junk. Loads of it. I think I get lonely easily and comfort myself with food. I grew up in a way where food was a replacement for love. When I was very young, my mom used to get me lots of candy and put me in front of the TV with cartoon so I could "have fun". Then she would leave me alone while she went out to get drunk. Once the candy was gone, and the cartoons where over, it was dark, scary, and I was alone. I would call her and ask where she was. She would reply with a drunk voice that confuswd me, I think I was too young to understand. She would occasionally come back to put me to bed, but then she would leave and I was alone in the dark again. I think this is where some of my disorder stems from. I don't blame my mother. I know parenting is hard, and she was trying her best. But I associate food with love, and will overeat whenever I'm alone and feel like an abandoned child even now as an adult (I'm 25).
After childhood and into my teens, other circumstances added to my food issues. Some of my friends developed anorexia, and I started behaving like them too. Restricting my intake then binging whenever I had the opportunity. I've had bulimia on and off for the last 7 years or so. When I live with people I don't do it, but for the last 5 years I've had a very lonely life where I fill the emotional hole with food. I'm so embarassed about it I can't share it with anyone I know. But I can't keep going on like this so I need to reach out. I gues this is the first step.
I'm the typical perfectionist. I come across as a confident high achiever, where I did excellent in my studies (ironically I'm a qualified nutritionist, which makes me just even more ashamed that I have this problem. I feel like I should know better). But the reality is that I'm also an insecure person who struggles in secrecy. I feel like if I tell people close to me about my problem, they will be discusted and dissapointed with me and their perception of me will change. I do remember one time, while I was living with my mom, I think she heard me purging in the bathroom (I thought she wouldn't) When I came out, she looked at me with judgement and resent, saying how could I waste her money by literally throwing it down the toilet. There was no empathy and I felt so small and stupid. Hence not wanting to tell anyone, and keeping my destructive habit to myself.
Anywho... I just really want to rid this horrible habit, get on with my life and not be a person who can't be alone without binging and purging. I hope I reaching out here and talking to some people who understands might help.
I really appreciate any feedback... Living with this secret is something I simply cannot do anymore... Thank you to anyone who can share their thoughts...
Welcome to the group. I'm so glad you are here and willing to take the first step needed in getting support.
So much of your story resonates with me including your mother's reaction to your bulimia. HUGE hugs to you for what you experienced as a child. I totally get how it is that you have come to have this problem as I'm sure many on here do. I've struggled with bulimia for many years and it is an extremely hard addiction to break. Please try not to feel ashamed - you are simply trying to do whatever you can to cope with the inner struggles you are having and the hole left in your soul by your childhood. Have you considered going to counselling at all?
Like you, I was ashamed to tell anyone about my disorder due to my mother's reaction - I just assumed everyone would be equally unsupportive. However, I learned that that was not true and that the defect was in my mother, not me. I learned to open up to people and accept help through counselling and it has made all of the difference in the world.
At the very least, keep posting here as there are many that share in your struggles but also many that are making great strides in getting healed.
HUGS
Jen
My mom was an active bulimic all of my childhood. She binged and purged daily. I didn't realize it until I was in my early 20s. I asked her to stop and then she became anorexic. It's a horrible disorder that robs you of self esteem and fills you with shame. I understand and your not alone. Keep posting! We are all here.
It is crazy how much I could relate to a lot of what you said.I too suffer from bulimia and being alone is the worst because it usually always results in me binging and throwing up. My mom found out i was doing it when I was way younger but ever since going to college it has made it worse because I don't have to hide it as much living on my own. However my roommates know about it and Ive told my boyfriend about it and they have pushed me to try to get help. I have visited therapists but I just wasn't hopeful about it working and ever since I stopped going I haven't really had it in me to go back. I know my story doesn't seem so hopeful but have you ever thought of telling someone you really trust? I know its embarrassing to admit to such a nasty habit and your mothers reaction was very disheartening but telling someone is like lifting a huge weight off your chest and I encourage you to try it.
it shocks me how similar our stories are. I too am involved in the health and medical field but still have this nasty habit for years. And no one knows. Not a single person. All only see the independent, confident woman, but really i spend so much time and money on bingeing in private. This habit has not only destroyed my mood and health but is pulling apart my relationships and killing my bank account!! i really need support in stopping. I often think I would like to live alone, that without the stress of living and being around others I would be able to get over this but I think this is just my addiction to isolation that would send me further down the rabbit hole. How can we help each other get over this? I often think of the stat that it takes 21-33 days to break a habit and if we could check in with each other for one month with no daily break downs would we be on our way to recovery?
Please don't feel bad that you're a struggling nutritionist. We can be the most educated addicts ever and still find it hard to stop. We can't train our urges out of us. I feel that way with being a CNS and a nursing student. How can I advise people about healthy eating and sleeping habits and then stay up late eating little to nothing? Being a health professional makes it almost harder to reach out for support because it's a blow to our professional ego (admittedly a silly one, if people care about us we will be met with no judgment).