Hi there, so glad you are on here and want to help her... I was exactly the same way, lost a lot of weight and then became severely anorexic and fearful of food. It's been a long and difficult recovery for me, but I'm getting there. What I've found is that support, both from family and external sources, has been CRUCIAL to my recovery. My mom is very supportive of my recovery, which means the world to me. I can only imagine what a difficult conversation it would be to have with your daughter, but it is worth it-- there are a lot of resources out there. Letting her know you you are concerned (without seeming judgmental) and want to help is a great first step, also looking into resources, such as counseling and nutritional advice for ED. Hopefully this helps :-)

I agree that you daughter appears to have anorexia and she just wants to get thinner and thinner. Been there myself in my early teens. For me the threat "if you lose any more weight youll have to see a doctor" was the one thing that forced me to stop losing weight and then little by little I managed to gain it back . However my eating was disorder in various forms (mostly chewing and spitting out) lasted 20 years. I hope you're daughter doesnt get caught up in a long term illness.

I certainly didnt want any medical intervention as Im sure your daughter doest either. This resistance to treatment makes anorexia a very challenging disease. I sometimes wonder how things would have been for me if I had had to go to the doctor....? Its great that youre aware and informed and wanting to help your daughter. I hope that despite your geographical disadvantage you find a wise doctor who takes the disease seriously and manages to get your daughter too to realise how dangerous it is.

You might like to read Harriet Browns "Brave Girl Eating" in which she records her daughters journey through anorexia. She adopted a home feeding programme where failure to eat meant going inpatient for tube feeding. Whatever you do its going to be tough. Best Wishes!

Kathy

Please please please, I know you're scared but don't lash out at her or threaten her or turn your back on her. When my addictions came to light my mom upped her abuse level hugely and it's taken me a really long to heal. I'm not suggesting you are abusive. i'm sure you're a wonderful mom but make sure you have an outlet for your feelings that is not connected to your daughter. Perhaps you and your daughter could both go to therapy and even have group therapy to hear where youre both coming from. Just don't push her and help her in any way you can. I can tell you love her by coming on this site. It will be ok I promise, there is a path. ((((hugs and hugs))))

I can relate to the getting defensive when people bring weight up. It's a subject you don't wanna discuss with anyone who might disagree and try and change you. Right now she thinks she's in no way ill, she doesn't understand she has a sickness. Hopefully that will be addressed in her doctors appointment.

My best advice is to be supportive, not antagonistic. Not because tough love doesn't work sometimes, or you're not scared or angry or frustrated, but because speaking as someone who was extremely think and deprived at one point, you're already fighting yourself, you don't need another battle. What you need is a team, and you, and hopefully a good dietician would be that.

How she sees food and herself can be changed. Right now she sees them one way, and it's leading her to make bad decisions, but at point in her life she looked at them in a better light and with some counselling and food advice, she can get back there. But mostly, right now she's being tormented by own mind, so try and avoid adding to that, she needs peace and friendship and live from somewhere, that should be you.

Sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. It is often the loss of control in other areas of one's life that causes eating disorders. It is the only thing they feel they can control. I would suggest asking our daughter to find the areas in her life she feels she has control over/or does not, and how to fix them. Make HER do the research on eating disorders, because telling her will not be effective. I hope that any of this will help. Take Care.
PenJac

First do your best to find a good support system for yourself. Second at this age and stage rigorous treatment is recommended. No forcing will help at all. And you will have to take the long unpleasant journey of sorting out ALL OF YOUR FAMILY ISSUES. Whatever they may be, family therapy will be KEY. That means everyone comes clean. No secrets. It's a hard road and a long road but recovery is possible. Sticking your head in the Sand and hoping it will resolve will never work. I know you havnt. It will be one of the hardest most painful journeys you will ever take. And my heart breaks for you because I have been living this nightmare with my daughter for over 3 years. I did what I had to do. At a certain time if she does not respond to treatment. You will have to be willing to step back. Not in love for her but in trying to control. This illness has a lot to do with their need to have control. If there are blatantly obvious reasons for this, fix them if you want a good chance to help her. Ultimately it is up to her. But always put love over anger. She probably loathes herself already. Don't try to talk sense in to her. It won't work. This disease is fierce and raging. Nothing is a match for it, and if you believe in God, start praying without ceasing. Expect to lose friends and part of your life. And for sure a lot of your sanity. Manage anxiety by building the best support network around yourself. She needs to see you having a life. If you crumble it will add to her guilt. It's a big ask. I'm always here if you want to message me. If I could go back in time I would have done things differently. If you are having marriage or family issues those are the very very first things that should be addressed with her and the entire family with a trained therapist in ED. God bless you. Love her. This is not a choice. But choosing to get better is a choice. She may be in any stage like precomptemplation. Kill her with kindness and love but don't be afraid of her anorexia. She may turn highly manipulative and change completely. If you allow yourself to become a doormat this illness will flourish. Don't enable. But spend time and always go to the feelings. Not weight shape or numbers or food. ALWAYS GO TO THE FEELINGS. Be sympathetic but don't make comments that entertain her anorexic mind. Things like you don't look fat etc. Study and take breaks so you don't snap. Hope this helps. It's a wretched journey for us as parents but far worse for them. And look up I think it's Ann Hill on you tube. She gives an excellent TED talk on anorexia. I think that's her name? He last name is Hill. And it's a TED talk. Highly highly recommended. Xxx

Here's the link. Hope everybody watches it. I found it most helpful. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UEysOExcwrE

I can speak from experience having been where she is but fast forward many, many years.... Being a teen is hard enough. Can tell you that I 100% believe in recovery... eating disorders especially caught early can restore her to a great life. If you can talk with her calmly and full of love tell her you just want her to save herself before her life becomes wrecked and then she's trying to climb out after destroying so many years. The lure of being skinny is so hard to let go especially if she hated herself before the weight loss.... she might even feel she's lost the hate for herself when she lost the weight. People treat thin/skinny people so differently then heavier girls... if anyone tries to tell her differently then they'll be shooting themselves in the foot because being thin/skinny really does have certain perks. Wouldn't try controlling her, her opinions or thoughts. Show her... show her this. Have her email or write or post here... People who are where she's at or have been where she's at probably have a better chance at talking with her. People who don't know can cause more harm than good. I'm 5'7 and 120-125 lbs. I don't restrict, try to lose weight or am scared of food anymore after having an eating disorder for decades. I learned from Ali Kerr, recovered anorectic/bulimic, that dieting causes eating disorders and all the professionals trying to make this a mental problem were bogus. I am not saying that some people have dual disorders but more often than not... well anyways, once I put structured eating into place and worked through her program I kicked it after about a year. Being able to kick butt and actually live while being at a great weight was incredible... She's pretty young and I would love her to get her life together now before eating/not-eating takes over her life.