I have really been struggling with this ambivalence thing ever since I started treatment a couple months ago. I can picture a happy life - one where I’m free of my eating disorder, I help others, food/my body doesn’t take up all of my mental space, I have deep and meaningful relationships, etc. But also, I can picture a life where I barely get by and basically “go through the motions.” One where I hold onto my eating disorder. I’d have a job, relationships, etc. but nothing would seem fulfilling. However, for some reason, this life seems just as inticing as the first one and I don’t know why. I feel bad for admitting it. Part of the reason, a VERY petty and awful reason, is to spite my treatment team. They really don’t understand what I truly struggle with. Sure, right now I’m struggling with binging, but it’s not because I’m “eating my feelings,” it’s because I’m mentally hungry after years of starving. And they don’t get it no matter how much I tell them. Probably because I’m heavier now. When I tell them how long I’ve gone without binging, they praise me, and that makes my starving mind from years ago feel AWFUL because it’s like they’re saying not eating is a good thing. Also, the doctor told me “we can even help you lose weight!...not that you neeeed to...” so I guess there’s a part of me that’s like “you want to see what I looked like when I was physically sick as well? Because I can do it again!” Which is terrible to think. I don’t know. Everyone treated me better when I was skinny even if I wasn’t happy. It was almost easier.