so today in therapy i finally admitted that i have a problem. me and my therapist were talking and she agrees ..she said i have eating disorder nos i fit in there because i starve and throw up and use laxativces so i dont fit in one exact spot.

we talked about helping it. im goig to college in the fall and i told her that if i dont help it noe itll get so much worse because no one will be on me about eat..my psychiatrist wants me to go to this place called the koch center for eating disorders..they have dbt over there too...at this point im willing to do anything to help me cuz im do tired of being a prisoner in my mind.

one part of me doesnt want to help me now because this is how i get results..this is my one true source of control. im scared if i treat it and i start being on the path of being too free and non obsessive i will gain and ton of weight and be obese. i was honest about that and i told my therapist about how half of me wants the help and half of me wants to stay the way i am and she said it makes sense.

anyways..does anyone watch the biggest loser on nbc...im really obsessed with that show ..i lovce jilian micheals...but that show is so triggering to me....wen they lose all that weight in short periods of time it makes me feel like im not doing enough. even tho they are working out like hell and eating all the right foods and jus have all the weight loss people with them i just feel like i cud be doing more.

almosts two weeks ago i attempted suicide because that voice in my head telling me that im worthless and fat wouldnt shut up and i was stuck in a starving and throwing cycle and i just wanted it to end. and so the only way i thought i would have peace from her and everything else ws if i died. i really dont wanna be like this forever :/