I can't stop crying. I'm so embarrased by how I look, I can't go outside even when my knee isn't in excruciating pain. I truly regret going to rehab. It wasn't an E.D. recovering place. I miss being even 102 lbs which is 22 lbs more than what I was averaging. I've had 3 people now tell me I need to lose weight. I did a whole lot of research on Mirtazapine for sleep. My Dr. told me that it dosen't slow down your metabolism. He lied. It messes w/your hormones and slows down your metabolism.  Probably a lot. He finally prescribed another med to take w/mirtazapine that I use to be on w/o the mirtazapine becuz I wasn't sleeping enuf and would be up as early as 4AM. But at such a very low dose. I was taking 5 times that much 44 lbs ago. Still waking up way too early. And I'm so very depressed. I know for a fact that I do not eat enuf to weight or be the size I am. I'm literally fatter than I've ever been. I've gained more inches than lbs. I've never looked this hidious all over. I was seriously so much happier weighing between 80 and 92 lbs. I was very comfortable in my skin. I was so flat I didn't need a bra. Now I'm so uncomfortable and way more disabled. I practically live in my nighty. But My boobs r so very heavy I just can' get comfortable. I'm crying soooo very much, I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I desperately want to stop taking the mirtazapine and just be on the seroquel which also has a side effect of gaining weight. But I never gained any weight being on it. I'm really hoping to get my psych dr. to do this w/o waiting for an appt. 

I am having such a hard time getting out of myself. I wan't to be able to help in anyway I can, those of u that r also having a hard time. I'm so frustrated w/myself for being sooooo incredibly self-absorbed. Can anyone relate at all? I'm sooooo desperate 4 a kind word or any kind of encouragement.