hey all-fair warning: this will be long. i have a lot pn my mind. i'm going to start out by telling you what happened saturday night. i was having really bad cravings for cheesecake saturday. i had been trying to ignore it for hours. finally, at 1 am, i couldn't stand it. i HAD to have chieesecake. so i snuck into the kitchen and got out the cheesecake. by this point, my little shadow maria was climbing all over me and meowing at me. it was almost like she was trying to tell me to not binge. but i didn't care. i picked her up, and begged her to leave me alone so i could eat. i quickly scarfed a piece of apple crumb cheesecake and a piece of brownie fudge cheesecake. i took my plate and fork back to throw them out, and i wanted more. so i hugged maria and cried alone in the kitchen.

then i heard kayla ask for cheesecake and i panicked. i quietly left the kitchen and hid in my room. i heard kayla scream "oh my gosh! who murdered the cheesecake?"

embarrassed, i admitted to it when dad asked.

you'd think after that, i would have learned, but nooo. sunday was even worse.kayla insisted on going to the mall. i wasn't doing well sunday because i had had a lot of spasms. i was really tired, and needed some of my dad's glucose (they're like the world's biggest smartie's. there's 4 grams of sugar in each one.) but dad only had one left. so i went to fye and bought 2 boxes of cookie dough bites. i did a little more shopping, and then went to subway. once i started eating, i couldn't stop. i scarfed the sandwich, and made a beeline for blondie's where i spent TEN DOLLARS on cookies and brownies. i didn't have time to eat it all, so i brought it home. i got sick from the cheesecake binge the night before, and came out the bathroom to find delilah eating all my sweets. i was furious.

still angry with her, i turned on the tv to find a documentary on food addiction. tlc followed 3 food addicts as they tried to beat their addictions. this 18 year old kid murphy DIED because he was 500 pounds and they couldn't move him to a rehab hospital fast enough. he had water on his lungs and a bad bout of pnemonia. i started to cry. i realized i could die if i keep doing this to myself. this destructive cycle of bingeing, guilt, making myself sick, and doing well for a while just to eventually give in later has to stop. i don't want to live this way anymore. each binge is worse than the last. each time i fall back into the pit, it's harder to get out. i want to be well. i want to be free.

sunday night while i was watching it, bryan came in and asked what it was about. i told him, as he said "food has no addictive properties. there's no such thing as food addiction." i wanted to cry. miraculously, i didn't. i don't know if i'll ever be able to tell bryan what's going on with me.-fallon