I have been a member of this website for quite some time. However, I stopped visiting after "recovery" (if you can even call it that) and haven't been back for.. well what feels like ages now. I have reached a point in my life where I'm happy with the way things are going. It has been tough, not gonna lie, but I'm excited that I've come so far. Anyways the story I want to share with you is about a moment in my life almost 2 years ago that changed everything. It changed my whole perspective of life and I'm hoping that by sharing this, it may shed some light for others. Bare with me..

I struggled with bulimia for 7 years. Started in high school and throughout my whole college career. I attended counseling, was up and down, up and down, up and down. I guess that is one way describing this disease, a F***ing yo-yo... anyways it was during my college years that I saw the worst. A few times there I didn't think I would survive.. the lowest of lows. But what also happened in college was meeting two of my very best friends... (went by the nicnames- D and M).That phrase is worth its weight in gold when they say you meet your lifelong friends in college. As college does mark some of my worst moments with my eating disorder, it's the memories with those two girls that stick out the most. Through boyfriends, parties, one night stands, drunken nights, dinner parties, evens some arrests (another story for another time), we went through it all together.

The last week of summer before our final year of college, we had go some devastating news. M was diagnosed with cancer. It was blow to the head to say the least. She had survived cancer twice before but this time was different. Unfortunately there was nothing to be done. She made the decision to be home with her friends and family. A month later she died. I can remember the night I found out. It was the middle of the night and I was living with D at the time and she had gotten the phone call from a mutual friend.. I was asleep and D had to wake me up to tell me. How do you wake up your best friend to tell her that her other best friend had passed away. We were wrecked, it was absolutely devastating. It was the start of her final year of college, she was only 21..

It was a downward spiral for me. I had gone completely down hill. I was lying to D about my health and habits and was being completely selfish with my grief. D and I didn't really talk much about M's death. Thinking back its all a blur. D had confronted me... asking me how I was getting on with my health and such and I reluctantly admitted that things were bad.. really bad. She knew the whole time. I was at my absolute worst the months after M's death, lying and being deceitful to my best friend about what was going on with me.

D was so upset, she barely spoke to me. D had left for a weekend, and we hadn't been talking very much the week prior. She called me up while I was driving somewhere and essentially gave me an ultimatum. Now I know what you all are thinking, that you hate ultimatums and that they are unfair and insensitive. But what she said to me in that conversation pretty much saved my life. She said how selfish of me it was to leave her out of my grief. ..that M was her friend and she deserved to grieve as well...that my lying and deceit was taking away the time she needed to feel the pain of the loss of her friend. If anything, this was a time we needed to be closer than ever. She was crying with such pain and desperation in her voice.. it killed me. All she wanted was time to grieve properly and not to have to worry about me. She said all she needed and wanted was someone to grieve with.

It was then that I realized that something needed to change. It just clicked. She was absolutely right. I needed to get healthy not only for my sake, but for the people that depend on me and need me as well. It was very very difficult but I did it. I may have kicked and screamed a little along the way but this needed to happen. I could not bare to lose another friend and frankly I had no other options left. I was lower than low at that point and the only way was up. I got the help I needed and have been doing very well ever since. It's the first in 7 YEARS that I feel good.

If there is one thing I value more than anything in my life, it is friendship. What I realized throughout this whole thing is that my actions and the choices I make affect everyone around me. I can take things away from people with the choices I make. I don't have that right... no one does.
D saved my life with that phone call. I am forever grateful to M and D because they both changed my life forever.

I know how difficult this thing is.. it's a bastard to say the least... but it is so selfish. It took valuable time away from M while she was alive and I would give ANYTHING to get those moments back. It took the time away from D to grief the loss of her dear friend. Time is so precious.

I just hope that this story makes you think, if nothing else. I know its easier said than done but.. at least think, just for a second, about all those in your life that you love. I can only hope that a moment in your life can make something click and one day, even if it is just for one day you find this clarity and freedom... its an unbelievable feeling. I wish you all the best and am hoping for health and happiness.

-Thanks,

Coley1989