Hi friends. Sorry I've been gone so long. I'll share a little of what's been going on. In September my weight was dropping and I was using appetite suppressing drugs to further my weight loss. I was extremely depressed and anxious and I was determined to end my life if I didn't find hope. It was a lengthy process, but I've finally found it- hope. My doctor was concerned about my low weight and heart. She tried with no luck to get me help because I couldn't afford eat disorder treatment, and they are sparse where I live. Anyhow, I was desperate and felt I would lose my daughter if I didn't get help soon. I was wreckless with my drug use, refusing to eat and drinking daily. So, I went to my therapists office with a bottle of pills and every intention of taking them if he didn't get me help. That desperate act was my ticket to recovery and finally getting the help I needed, though humiliating. An ambulance hauled me off to the psych ward where an incredible team of doctors and staff treated me with respect and dignity while I began recovery. I was forced to eat and gain weight. I was locked away from my self-destructive behaviors and received therapy. After 22 days my weight was restored to a safe range and I was sent to a residential alcohol and drug rehab where I spent 30 days. I ran one night and relapsed. They wouldn't accept me back so again I became suicidal. The cop was not so friendly this time, he refused to follow me in my car to the hospital to make sure I checked in and said I was coming with him. I panicked and my fight or flight kicked in and I ran when he attempted to grab me. I was tackled to the ground and he cuffed me and sat on me for 15 minutes until back up arrived. As if I'm a threat! Anyway I was cuffed into an ambulance and sent back to the psych ward. It was humiliating, once again. After a week I was released and sent to a temporary facility where I remained until December. I gained a ton of weight and it was excruciating, but I started to feel glimpses of happiness I hadn't felt in years. I was released when day treatment at a counseling center had an opening for me. I have been going there from 8:30 a.m. to 1 pm, M-F, since Dec. 8th. I have gained 35 lbs since Oct 1st, and I have one month of sobriety, not even a sip of alcohol. I feel incredibly uncomfortable in my body but I am learning skills to help me cope. I am full of gratitude for my life today. I hate my eating disorder and I am fighting hard and winning. I share my story because I had to go to extreme measures to find help when it appeared there was no hope. I want you all to know there really is help, and there is always hope so please don't give up. I'm not. Each day is HARD but I fight for my daughter, and for the hope that I might find happiness in this life. I'm happy to be healthy, and sober beginning a new year. A new chance at life.