I haven't had time, or had access to a computer much since October 1st so rather than replying individually I wanted to thank all of you who have messaged me or reached out to me. It really means a lot to me. Thank you, each of you. I have gained a HUGE amount of weight in the last 2 months. 25 lbs to be exact. From 85 to 109 lbs. I'm not dealing with it well, but I continue to eat despite my body trying to hold onto every pound it can. Its so overwhelming, and having an appetite again is incredibly difficult. My heart has been racing since I started eating again. My doctor has informed me that I probably don't have another shot at recovering from a relapse because she believes my heart has been/is working just too hard and will eventually give out and stop beating. Its not a surprise, but a good warning to anyone early in recovery. Please stop while you have a chance. I have lost relationships, a home, pets, respect from family, and more than anything else, my own integrity. In the last few months before going into the hospital I began abusing methamphetamine. Not to get high, just to lose weight more rapidly. I began lying to myself and everyone else. I'm still hiding it from my loved ones, because I feel too ashamed to be real and honest about my struggles. Its killing me though. I feel so alone. I run from anyone/anything that ever tries to help me. Due to my substance abuse I went from the psych ward to a rehab to continue to gain weight and remain substance free. I was there a month, had a rough day and ran out the door last Wed. They won't accept me back in, and I have few resources so I don't know that I'll make it into another program. I am unable to bring my daughter home until I have completed treatment so I'm extremely scared. I'm at rock bottom for sure, and it didn't take drugs to get me there, though it added a new level of shame. But mostly it was the ED. It still is the ED that feels too overwhelming and uncomfortable regardless of weight it still tells me I'm worthless and ugly and deserve to die. I know I need help to recover. I hope I get the help I'm looking for and I pray that you too are able to recover from this horrible disorder. Sending you love and strength! Hugs to you all.