I definitely remember in the darkest days of my ED thinking that I would rather be dead than to keep living that way. I never actually attempted it but the thought was intriguing. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, truly.......
I'm not sure how those things work in the US but is there no way that if your situation is dire that your rehab/treatment can be paid for? If you can't go to long-term treatment can you get yourself hooked up with a therapist that has some knowledge of treating EDs? A group? You have us on this site for support so please keep us updated on how you are doing or just feel free to vent....whatever you need.
HUGS
Jen

I have been there for sure. I have attempted too. It's scary and I know the connection between that and body image. Try to reach out to treatment centers and tell them about your situation. I know it's hard to have energy to do anything though, believe me. I can tell you there's always hope. I'm relying on the fact that others have recovered from this disorder. That keeps me going. Please hang on! You can get through this. You've already shown tremendous strength. You can post here for support too. We are in this together!

I've had SI for months now -- but since I lie to my therapist and psychiatrist -- nobody knows - not even my husband.

Hate to say it, but I lie to my therapist, too. Things are worse than what I've been telling her, what I have told her is beginning to get me into hot water, so it's sometimes easier to lie. While I've never attempted to end my life, I've struggled with wanting to do so for many, many years. Though I've not had trouble with ED causing me to want to end things, it's other issues that I won't mention here....Do you have a therapist to talk to about how you're feeling, or have a local crisis hotline to call if you need to?? Or else a close friend that could stay w/ you til these thoughts and desires ease up for you?

The one thing about suicide is that it's a permanent solution to a temporary (not LIGHT nor taken LIGHTLY) situation. That's the word.

Yes definitely... at the lowest moments I just wanted the pain to stop, especially when processing large and deeply painful flashbacks and memories of abuse etc.

However, like has been said, I have been able to recognise that "it's just a feeling" and "this too will pass"... my personal inner code helps me choose life-affirming choices including being honest with someone safe who is close to me about how I'm feeling at that particular time. This indeed is a very drastic and permanent "solution".

These days I fight for my recovery and my freedom (not perfectly) but as well as I can.

Hang in there! x

I have suicidal ideations multiple times a day and I've noticed as my ED gets worse so does my desire to die. In fact, my ED is so powerful right now that I am struggling to choose between letting my ED win and die, or fight for my daughter and family. Its horrible that there is even a fight going on in my head. It should be obvious, I should fight to live, for them. And yet I feel drained of any internal motivation to keep eating/fighting. As you mentioned tx centers are unaffordable for most people. If I could get into one that would help me recover from this ED it could save/change my life. Instead I may end up in a psych ward forced to have a tube down my throat while receiving little to no support or understanding about my ED. I hope you get help. I hope someday more affordable treatment options will be available.

I want to thank everyone for your support! I needed that!