I'm glad you came here again and posted bowler08 :)

Yes, it IS worth you being here even though your mind and your feelings tell you the opposite. I have found that the ED never goes away; I am either actively working on my recovery from it, or setting myself up to have a fall and relapse again.

Yes, our ability to be in denial or repress is huge eh. The question to ask which I've found most helpful is: "Why is the ED there? What need is it filling for me currently?"

For me it has mostly been about filling the empty hole inside my heart, and numbing out the pain. Whether I've restricted or I've been bingeing, it's all the same reason. There's huge pain inside I am either not willing to look at, or I'm not feeling strong enough to look at. Mine goes way back to my childhood - abuse, torture, incest etc.

Do you have a counsellor or professional you can contact for support? We cannot do this journey alone.

Please don't give up!! You are worth recovery!!!! :)

Kim.

I agree with Kim and would like to add that many of us carry pain from the past that is not so obviously stunning as Kims unfortunate past. I put a lot of blame on a very religious upbringing for putting lots of weird values and fears into me.
Keep searching and asking for help. Counselling or therapy could help you explore those aspects of yourself and your past that are counterproductive to your health.

I am relapsing as well. I work as a travel healthcare provider and had to leave my therapist 3 months ago. Now, I have no one for support and lots of free time for ED to slip back. I am eating virtually nothing during the day and binge at night. I have in the past week abstained from daily cardio and focused on yoga instead, which helps somewhat. I hope to move back to where my therapist is in the next few months. I know I should get a permanant job but the money is so much better doing this. I contacted a residential treatment center but they want to interview me and I am on the other side of the country. I wonder if they would do a Skype interview. I always have an excuse like Im not sick enough because Im not underweight. Im nearly 40 years old and so tired it. I thought a perfect body would get me a husband and instead ED brought me isolation and my only friend is food when I binge.

Hi Richasu

Sorry to hear about your problems. I understand your feeling tired of your eating disorder. In a way its a positive thing if it can help activate you towards recovery. Even long term eating disorders can be overcome and its good that youre looking for help. I hope the Skype interview works out for you.