Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
Hi everyone...
I have been bulimic/anorexic for over 11 years now (plus Bipolar, ADD, OCD, Borderline - diagnosed 8 years ago). The consequences of my eating disorder started showing years ago, but they were mostly just to do with teeth falling out, no period, probably not being able to have children, and so form. But lately I have been going through crazy physical effects. Can't breathe properly, my right arm has pins and needles in it every night, heart palpataions, a feeling of impending doom that just own't go away. But it's the breathing and the lack of sleep - nightmares, sweating, dry mouth - just absolute terror at night. Currently weigh 47 kgs and am 1.72m For the first time I feel like I am going to die and I don't want to.
I wanted to know if there are others who are in this stage - over 10 years - and how they are feeling and what - in a very candid answer - they think will happen to us? How long will we live for? My eating is still not right, I am restricting/binging/throwing up - it's all over the place. And I'm taking (for last six -four years) 54 mg Concerta (which I dbl as it wears off), 60 mg Nuzak, 2 mg Rivitrol (which I dbl), 10 Brazapam (which I dbl), 150 Toplep, 200 Seroquel, 250 mg Epitek.
I also have addictions to various other drugs - mostly cocaine, don't smoke weed anymore. Drink every night otherwise I cannot relax.
I know this is a complete portrayal of someone fucking up their life, but to be honest I don't have any will to carry on, I cannot handle the chaos that goes on in my mind, it is constantly NOISE NOISE NOISE. I have nearly died from cutting myself, but don't do that anymore, so have so much anger and have no idea where it comes from. Havebeen in and out of clinics and none have helped. Feel like there is nothing left to fucking do about this as I have no idea why I hate myself so much and will do anything - take anything - to just not be in myself, in the present.
I do not want to die but I finally realize what I have done to my body and mind and what I continue to do and the concoctions with drugs and booze - well I know how it can end and it scares me and makes me sad because I don't want to leave my sister and mom and brother behind but I cannot bear to see myself when I wake up or put on another fake smile. Work is the only thing that keeps my going, but it means I live a lonely life as I have no time for friends. Which bore me anyway or i feel intimidated by. I don't know what is wrong with me. After all these years, all the treatment, all the appointments, all the money spent. I still don't know who I am.
I have been bulimic/anorexic for over 11 years now (plus Bipolar, ADD, OCD, Borderline - diagnosed 8 years ago). The consequences of my eating disorder started showing years ago, but they were mostly just to do with teeth falling out, no period, probably not being able to have children, and so form. But lately I have been going through crazy physical effects. Can't breathe properly, my right arm has pins and needles in it every night, heart palpataions, a feeling of impending doom that just own't go away. But it's the breathing and the lack of sleep - nightmares, sweating, dry mouth - just absolute terror at night. Currently weigh 47 kgs and am 1.72m For the first time I feel like I am going to die and I don't want to.
I wanted to know if there are others who are in this stage - over 10 years - and how they are feeling and what - in a very candid answer - they think will happen to us? How long will we live for? My eating is still not right, I am restricting/binging/throwing up - it's all over the place. And I'm taking (for last six -four years) 54 mg Concerta (which I dbl as it wears off), 60 mg Nuzak, 2 mg Rivitrol (which I dbl), 10 Brazapam (which I dbl), 150 Toplep, 200 Seroquel, 250 mg Epitek.
I also have addictions to various other drugs - mostly cocaine, don't smoke weed anymore. Drink every night otherwise I cannot relax.
I know this is a complete portrayal of someone fucking up their life, but to be honest I don't have any will to carry on, I cannot handle the chaos that goes on in my mind, it is constantly NOISE NOISE NOISE. I have nearly died from cutting myself, but don't do that anymore, so have so much anger and have no idea where it comes from. Havebeen in and out of clinics and none have helped. Feel like there is nothing left to fucking do about this as I have no idea why I hate myself so much and will do anything - take anything - to just not be in myself, in the present.
I do not want to die but I finally realize what I have done to my body and mind and what I continue to do and the concoctions with drugs and booze - well I know how it can end and it scares me and makes me sad because I don't want to leave my sister and mom and brother behind but I cannot bear to see myself when I wake up or put on another fake smile. Work is the only thing that keeps my going, but it means I live a lonely life as I have no time for friends. Which bore me anyway or i feel intimidated by. I don't know what is wrong with me. After all these years, all the treatment, all the appointments, all the money spent. I still don't know who I am.
I too have had anorexia/bulimia/OCD among other issues for over 10 years...I have never had issues with drugs or alcohol, but I can definitely relate to the battle with the EDs. I don't really have any specific answers...but I really believe that you should never give up fighting or lose hope in recovery. You only fail when you stop trying. And we really never know what's going to happen in this life...you might meet someone who gives you that little bit of inspiration to take a small step forward...and slowly you start taking more and more. You have already taken a huge step by coming on this site an reaching out for help. Please feel free to message me ANYTIME. Be gentle with yourself and DONT GIVE UP : )
Funnily enough I also sometimes get breathing problems - usually after either physical or emotional stress - its an awful feeling. Ive had it investigated but no reason has been found (It might be constriction of the vocal chords but it doesnt happen during tests/doctors visits). Pins and needles in my hands and feet is another problem - sometimes wake up with my hand on fire. The doctor doesnt seem to think its much of a problem but I know how terrible an experience it is. The drugs you are on are not familiar to me so I cant comment on those. Sounds like a lot though so there could be unwanted interactions and side effects.
It seems so unfair that life can turn out so hard for some of us. But still you are a valuable person and there are people who can relate to you. Keep in touch!
Its not always perfectly easy but its perfectly mine. And I'm accountable and present for all of it now. I'm not a slave to my eating disorder, my alcoholism, my compulsions.
You can do this. Go to NA and to OA or FA immediately. Ask for help or just raise your hand as new and you'll be offered a hand out.
I have so many health issues I now deal with due to Ed and wish I wouldn't have done them to myself but now I know it's done & I have to now deal with the consequences for my poor choices. A fake smile can help you eventually have a tiny bit of hope for yourself.
Let me know if I can do anything to support you. You're not alone