Dysthymic disorder Community Group
Sadness. It is real. If you have Dysthymia, it's a constant state of being. . . It never leaves you. I'd really like to see what reality is like, you know, check out how it feels to NOT be sad all the freaking time. . . This is just mean. I mean come on, somebody . . . God, throw me a bone! I'm a cool guy, I do good things. OK, , , enough of this shit, it...
Hello,
My name is Glenn and I was diagnosed with dysthymia after a pretty fierce fight with double depression nearly five years ago.
I had spent probably most of my life in some mode of withdrawal or avoidance in one way or another. I used to pride myself as being independent at such a young age, but later on I discovered that I was socially behind and afraid of social interaction, and my independence was based on sheer avoidance.
I somehow managed, after years of not dating, to find a woman and married her. I hid all of my "issues" from her. I thought that's just what you do. Well, each year something new leaked out from the cracks and as each year passed, she lost her ability to trust me. 15 years later I am fighting to gain that trust back but she is basically unwilling to risk getting hurt again.
So during this time, to be brief, I had my battle with double depression, in which I tried four meds (zoloft, Prozac, and Lexapro) without success, but stuck with effexor only because I didn't know any better, that this is just how it's supposed to work, there is no such pill that gives you instant happy. well, my pdoc kept increasing the dosage and eventually maxing out and I started acting in desperate ways to just feel something, anything at all. I risked my life for it, my wife noticed and urged me to get off the pills, which I did, and made no difference in my happiness.
I bounced in and out of depression after that, a coupla times, each even lasting three to seven days or so.
During this time we went to marriage counseling, and then I was a jerk, b/c I felt everything was my fault and it takes two to make a marriage work, and she wasn't doing anything but complaining about me. the tdoc then suggested I get individual therapy at that point because he felt he couldn't do any more with the mariage until I stop being so broken.
Jeez, in real life i am not this talky.
anyway, lots of that stuff has gone, but am still living with dysthymia. I am feeling pretty sure that if I have to fight depression again I will not survive this time. So I have made a vow to myself. Honesty. Answer everything. Become social. try not to be afraid. I have a responsibility to my kids. I have learned to make phone calls this year (before it scared me to desperate measures) and for the most part I have conquered that. That's my biggest hurdle so far that i have been successful with. I have learned a lot of my behavior is shame-based and am learning to combat this, along with my pretty severe emotional withdrawal. something I have also carried with me from childhood. I thought that I was being manly, but I was misguided. Emotional withdrawal is my biggest problem right now.
So that's my story. Are you still awake? I won't be soon. I also have sleep problems which seem to affect my moods. It appears I do not have apnea (due to a sleep study I had done), But I do not get enough deep sleep time. Some of this is because I do not sleep long enough, the other is because anxiety keeps me from sleeping deeply enough. That's a theory.
I went to therapy on three different occasions. the first was about 12 years ago with a licensed therapist, she was more into listening to me bitch about my wife. The second, about six years ago was with another licensed therapist, a different one, Whom I grew an inappropriate fondness for and Stopped listening to her and basically stared at her for an hour. That was also during that time I was medicated... The third, was right after the marriage counseling, with a psychologist, and found that last course pretty helpful. He is the one who diagnosed me. After like twelve weeks my insurance didn't want to pay anymore for it, my wife was getting paranoid about it (seh basically thought of it as a "good ol' boys' club", were I could just complain about my wife but that was not the case.
But as far as I am concerned, It helped greatly and it's been about three years since I have been med-free and off from therapy.
I am trudging along the best I can without those crutches. I am still dealing with issues of having shame as a prime motivator, and self-esteem issues. But I have learned a lot but I am hoping that I can still rub elbows with other people like me and can share ways to push through personal roadblocks.
So I am willing to talk.
Thanks for reading,
Glenn
My name is Glenn and I was diagnosed with dysthymia after a pretty fierce fight with double depression nearly five years ago.
I had spent probably most of my life in some mode of withdrawal or avoidance in one way or another. I used to pride myself as being independent at such a young age, but later on I discovered that I was socially behind and afraid of social interaction, and my independence was based on sheer avoidance.
I somehow managed, after years of not dating, to find a woman and married her. I hid all of my "issues" from her. I thought that's just what you do. Well, each year something new leaked out from the cracks and as each year passed, she lost her ability to trust me. 15 years later I am fighting to gain that trust back but she is basically unwilling to risk getting hurt again.
So during this time, to be brief, I had my battle with double depression, in which I tried four meds (zoloft, Prozac, and Lexapro) without success, but stuck with effexor only because I didn't know any better, that this is just how it's supposed to work, there is no such pill that gives you instant happy. well, my pdoc kept increasing the dosage and eventually maxing out and I started acting in desperate ways to just feel something, anything at all. I risked my life for it, my wife noticed and urged me to get off the pills, which I did, and made no difference in my happiness.
I bounced in and out of depression after that, a coupla times, each even lasting three to seven days or so.
During this time we went to marriage counseling, and then I was a jerk, b/c I felt everything was my fault and it takes two to make a marriage work, and she wasn't doing anything but complaining about me. the tdoc then suggested I get individual therapy at that point because he felt he couldn't do any more with the mariage until I stop being so broken.
Jeez, in real life i am not this talky.
anyway, lots of that stuff has gone, but am still living with dysthymia. I am feeling pretty sure that if I have to fight depression again I will not survive this time. So I have made a vow to myself. Honesty. Answer everything. Become social. try not to be afraid. I have a responsibility to my kids. I have learned to make phone calls this year (before it scared me to desperate measures) and for the most part I have conquered that. That's my biggest hurdle so far that i have been successful with. I have learned a lot of my behavior is shame-based and am learning to combat this, along with my pretty severe emotional withdrawal. something I have also carried with me from childhood. I thought that I was being manly, but I was misguided. Emotional withdrawal is my biggest problem right now.
So that's my story. Are you still awake? I won't be soon. I also have sleep problems which seem to affect my moods. It appears I do not have apnea (due to a sleep study I had done), But I do not get enough deep sleep time. Some of this is because I do not sleep long enough, the other is because anxiety keeps me from sleeping deeply enough. That's a theory.
I went to therapy on three different occasions. the first was about 12 years ago with a licensed therapist, she was more into listening to me bitch about my wife. The second, about six years ago was with another licensed therapist, a different one, Whom I grew an inappropriate fondness for and Stopped listening to her and basically stared at her for an hour. That was also during that time I was medicated... The third, was right after the marriage counseling, with a psychologist, and found that last course pretty helpful. He is the one who diagnosed me. After like twelve weeks my insurance didn't want to pay anymore for it, my wife was getting paranoid about it (seh basically thought of it as a "good ol' boys' club", were I could just complain about my wife but that was not the case.
But as far as I am concerned, It helped greatly and it's been about three years since I have been med-free and off from therapy.
I am trudging along the best I can without those crutches. I am still dealing with issues of having shame as a prime motivator, and self-esteem issues. But I have learned a lot but I am hoping that I can still rub elbows with other people like me and can share ways to push through personal roadblocks.
So I am willing to talk.
Thanks for reading,
Glenn
I give you lots of credit for keeping your marriage together. You should try to keep that, take it from a guy whose path is a lot like yours (sleep issues, social withdrawal etc...) and mine did not work out. I wish it did in hind sight. I was not able to pull it through. Marriage is a constant thing for you both to work on unless it really is totally unfixable.
I wish you the best.
Jag
I do not believe in holding onto a marriage just to keep it alive. My wife and I are too scared to go it alone. that's the real reason, I think we are still together. I feel that I would be better off with someone who has the ability to trust me, and that would make it easier to bond, and not build walls. trust and communication is everything.
Anyway. I am not a master of dysthymia. So I don't have answers. I have lots to offer though. I don't have severe triggers or anything so i will answer any question completely and honestly. Sometimes that's hard for me, but That's part of the healing. I have done a lot of thinking, so I am willing to share my thoughts on shame, emotional withdrawal and abuse, and stress. I have done all of them. nad in order to heal I need to move these issues along.
Glenn