Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

Why I Can't Get Past the Jealousy?

mbstone
mbstone
I was married to a man for 20 years who cheated on me with his cousin's wife. I was blown away when he told me that I needed to go get myself checked because he thought she was "safe" and she had a baby outside of her marriage to her cousin. Now mind you I am college educated, have high values and morales and was absolutely blown away. I divorced him as he wanted me to go get checked and just get past it. I was a SAHM to our two children, sacrificed a career and took darn good care of him. I wasn't anything to him but a SAP and FREELOADER. He didn't want to do anything with me. He thought the things I wanted to do and do as a family was "horse****". I have now been divorced for 8 years and still am taking care of our two kids. He has a girlfriend that he has been living with for 3 to 4 years now. He texted my 17 year old and told her he wanted her to go on a "little trip" for a couple days before Christmas to see Christmas lights and stay in a hotel. It's funny how he can do all the things I wanted to do now with a woman who is 7 years older than him and has 5 grandkids. He is 48 and she is 55. He has also taken her on a cruise to the Bahamas ! I didn't get nothing but a trip to Branson and a trip to Colorado. I can't get past "what is wrong with me" stage. My pain is still there and I feel terrible that I compare myself to other woman who treat their husbands like crap and they get to keep their homes, go on trips while their husbands watch the kids and then there is me...Who is just stuck and get past feeling like a victim. I didn't deserve the life I have been thrown into. Thanks for listening to my rant!
pickingup
pickingup
Hi Mbstone. I am sorry you have to be here. I understand your feelings of jealousy and frustration. We sure get the short end of stick. I think these men just become different people or are different people with new women. I know it's hard to understand. I am pretty sure that my stbx is doing all of the things with the OW that I would have wanted to do. I discovered on his calendar that he was planning on taking her to dinner and fireworks. I said to myself, wow; after all my sacrifices--living in a small apartment, driving a car with no heat, not eating out, not asking for an engagement ring--all these sacrifices to save for the future all meant nothing. I am sorry you have to feel this way. I don't have any great advice except to let you know that you are heard and I understand your feelings. Feel proud of how far you have come and don't focus on the times when you have weak moments such as being jealous that he is supposedly living it up. sending you hugs and support
refurb
refurb
the reason you can't get past the what is wrong with me stage is that is a question with the correct answer is
"nothing"
startingover2011
startingover2011
I have come to realize that ex's become with someone else the person WE wanted them to be is because they never loved us and didn't care about our feelings or what we wanted, but apparently they DO love the new person in their life. My ex is no different, treating his second wife the way I had always wanted him to treat me. Seeing him at my DD30's wedding last year with his arm around his second wife the entire time made me want to barf. He wasn't at all affectionate with me. So, that is what I have come to know...that when someone loves you, they CARE about your feelings and show it. If they don't love you, they treat you as our ex's treated us. Acceptance of this knowledge is what helped ME move forward. He didn't love me. End of story. You move past it by not caring anymore and taking care of YOURSELF. It's now all about YOU. Leave HIM in your review mirror and full speed ahead into your new life!
tobywinn
tobywinn
Yeah, the keyword word is NOTHING is wrong with you! The opposite side of the coin reads rather: What is wrong with your ex??? Listen hon., we all know idiots throw away even the most precious when spouses are in an emotional confusion state in hot sexual pursuit like a drug addict. And that my friend is the thing which is so terribly wrong.

Our defense mechanism can be tricky. Disowning your inherently beautifulness as if you are flawed, not good enough certainly comes either when you compare yourself or from listening to an insecure idiot's talk. Opposing the jealousy theory, you might want to take notice of your ex's developing skills of "manipulations" and "hooks" as a pursuer would to maintain his capture at ALL COST.... above and beyond what he normally has done even with your relationship.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Startingover2011 summed it up nicely. Our exes fell out of love with us, for whatever reason. It doesn't really matter anymore, no sense being with someone who doesn't love you anymore, better to show them the door and give them a shove off the top step.
Don't dwell on your ex, he means nothing now. We really don't know how happy they really are. And it really doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned my ex wife is like dog crap on the bottom of my shoe. She wanted out, so adios. Let her new Mr wonderful support her ass.
KRKing911
KRKing911
Try to stop even listening about what they do. How do you know so much anyway? The kids? Just ask them to stop telling you - you don't want to know.

He's an asshole.
thiscantbe
thiscantbe
Kbbcoop,
I love the - show them the door & give them the shove off the first step - lmbo
Krking,
You are always direct & right on the $.
No contact & not knowing is always the best way to go.

I haven't read the rest yet, scrolling from the bottom up. Lol - (cell phone)
kamary
kamary
Yes, I'm thinking it's time to stop looking at what your ex is doing, and making comparisons. Concentrate on making your own life happier, and let him go with love and compassion. Every time you find yourself thinking about him, just let him go again, and concentrate on something else.

Who knows why he's doing those things. Maybe he's complaining every step of the way but gives in because that's what wolves in sheeps clothing do in the beginning of a new relationship. They don't change their spots so do not believe that everything is as rosy as you think.

love and hugs
kamary
MNMama
MNMama
Rant away.... where better to vent and get it out of your system?
As to "what is wrong with me," it's time to realize it wasn't about you.... It was about him, all about him. Perhaps, once you realize that, you can move on, get "un-stuck" and move past it.

I totally feel your pain, it's righteous, it's justified, it's warranted. But, is it helping you or hindering you?
If you can't let it go, if you cling to being a victim, if the other women in the world and how they are treated and treat their husbands dictate your self image, then I pray you get some help to move on. It's poisonous, toxic sludge, and no one needs that in their lives.

Of course you don't deserve this life, nor do any of us. We were all harmed, damaged, scarred and betrayed by the people we loved more than anyone in this world. None of us deserved this, yet it happened. Now we have to choose.... do we let what THEY did determine the quality of our lives from here on out? Or, do we choose to put it behind us, pick ourselves up, reach out with compassion and love to help others; our children, our friends and family, our church community, our geographic community, the world, to be a better place, and in doing so, heal, grow, and learn how to thrive once again?
Sending a big, warm, hug. You do deserve that!
Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
Honey, everyone has said it so well. But as that old Italian saying "a wolf will lose their fur before they lose their habit" is so true. There is no trust or respect between them, how could there be after what they have done and will probably do again. Look after number one and that is you Hugs
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