Don't let him get to you.

He's the one who is behaving wrongly and is continuing to do that by trying to blame you for your divorce. He wouldn't have made it right. He's more likely to have made it wrong again one day. You did the right thing. He's not worth your love and consideration. You are worth far too much to allow him to do that to you again.

Sit down and write a list of all the good and right things you did in your marriage. Lift your chin and remember what a wonderful person you are. Restore your pride in yourself, which he has systematically pounded into oblivion.

Don't let him get to you.

love and hugs
kamary

Believe me i can tell from this post and previous ones you have posted that you are of great value, you did the right things and continue to do morally right.
You do need a lot of work on your self esteem. I disagree that counselling can not help, i believe it can.

Do you have a job now ? and do you get out amongst others. You would be surprised how much your area prob has to offer if you go looking in way of concerts and things like that , even going alone like i do i find they always bring a smile to my face. Look for things to do that will make you happy.
Another thing i do is practice saying hello to passers by with a nice smile, it will help you feel better, try it :)
hugs

Thank you both so very much for your encouraging words. Yes I work and actually passed my boards recently and I am now a certified alcohol and drug counselor. I have always struggled with self esteem issues due to bullying in grade school and married to someone who constantly made you feel below him. I didn't work and was a stay at home mom so no worth because I didn't work and have a "real job". I was never skinny enough, etc. I do go out with others but not often. My ex doesn't take my daughter like he should leaving me once again being responsible while he plays. Hope this clears up some of your questions. Thanks you bunches!

Aww, that is so sad, i can understand how things that have happened to you in the past would lend to your feelings. But you are so wrong you are beautiful, you just need to smile and show the world you are beautiful!
Im older and overweight but i try to act confident and friendly (i have to fake it often) but the more friendly i am the better i began to feel about me, and i have found that there are people that actually like me and i have friends, something i never really had much of because Ive been a loner most of my life , even when i worked. I lived for my family, it was all i thought i needed till the kids were gone and my stbx decided he didn't want me any longer. Boy was i wrong, having friends are very important!



You passed the boards and now you are a certified drug and alcohol counselor, you should be so over the top proud! And you have a totally beautiful face in your picture!

You have really done well. Don't let the cheating jerk yank your chain. You are better than that. Hold your head high and move on to your new life!

Please dont go down that road. We are no reflection in what they did. He chose to disrespect you and your marriage. You were innocently and lovingly being a good wife...he is the one that spat on it. How could he possibly make up for what he had done. Life is not a computer where you can just delete it. Try not to place personal value against his actions..its self defeating and abusive. You are worth so much more...Big Hugs...Kathy

My wife had an emotional affair with my best friend. I was torn up over it. I thought "How the hell could someone who loved me do this to me!!??"

But here's the thing: I was the furthest thing from her mind when she was cheating on me. I suspect that for most cheaters, its the same thing. In one of my more angry moments, I asked her... "Were you thinking of your children.. your family when you were having your little affair?" She broke down pretty badly at that point. Yeah, low blow on my part.. I was pretty upset.

Its not about you. Its about them. They are being completely selfish and thinking only of themselves.

I had all of these thoughts about how I was "less than" and how worthless I felt. I have started to realize that her actions don't define me. I have worth as a person. I am still loveable, capable of loving others. I have good positive traits. I am worthwhile as a person. I always have been and I will continue to be.

Life is too short to be with people who disrespect us or don't love us. We deserve so much more than people who treat us like that. We deserve to be loved by people who love us. We deserve to be happy!

Mbstone, I'm sorry to hear you were bullied early in your life. Once again, don't let them tell you who you are. Bullies are known to have poor self-esteem and use bullying to bolster themselves, so they'll say and do anything to get their power kick. What they said to you was never true. If they hurt you physically, it wasn't personal. They only do it to anyone they can to make themselves feel better.

And it's the same with your ex. My ex would physically swell and get a gloating look on his face whenever he was successful in making me angry. He's a sick man and I'm glad to be out of that place.

Let the bullies and your ex go, give them to God and leave them there. You are worth far more than you realise. Look at you! Passing your boards and preparing to enter a worthy and helpful profession in life. You have good reason to hold up your head and walk with pride and confidence.

Ptownjohn, I'm sorry for your experience too. I love your last paragraph "Life is too short to be with people who disrespect us or don't love us. We deserve so much more than people who treat us like that. We deserve to be loved by people who love us. We deserve to be happy!" That's true.

love and hugs
kamary

Mbstone - You say that after 4 years, you are still in limbo. If you feel you are in limbo, it is ONLY YOU who is keeping you there -- and living in limbo is a different kind of Hell.

It IS part of the process to dig deep and recall all the ways in which you sacrificed for the sake of children and the marriage itself, but it isn't healthy to keep dwelling on it. The fact that your X did what he did had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU -- it was all about him. So what you need to do is make the here, now and future ALL ABOUT YOU!

One of the Gifts of Betrayal is the opportunity to mentally and emotionally "clean house." You are into that process by recalling being bullied in school. What you need to do is remember it, accept it and then MOVE ON FROM IT. We are ALL products of our conditioning. Nobody can go backward and change a thing -- but what we CAN and MUST do is rise above it; vow to never let it happen again and stop dwelling on it. To do otherwise just creates another roadblock or excuse for staying stuck where we are.

You wrote that you don't think counseling would help you -- but I beg to differ with you on THAT point! The feelings you have expressed here, coupled with your own admission of still being in limbo SCREAMS "therapy needed!" Please don't shortchange yourself. You have GOT to be able to move past all of this if you are going to become the person you want to be! You owe this to yourself AND your children. Please RUN, do not walk, to your nearest qualified counselor or certified therapist! It will is the BEST INVESTMENT IN YOURSELF that you can possibly make!

Sending hugs of encouragement and thoughts of tenacity and strength your way.
xoxox

Sorry but i agree with Kathi. Counseling it the best !! it keeps you focused and accountable for what is really important and thatt is YOU. You need that person who does not have any emotional attachment to the situation or you and that is where counseling comes in. You can not counsel yourself because you see a distorted view of yourself because of what you have been thru so your opinion isnt accurate. Even now sometimes I have to go back for a tune up :) Peace & Love

"He said I didn't give him a chance to make it right" needs be reversed. Avoiders/ blamers are so clever to establish that they are not be at fault. Ever notice they have the tendency not to use the pronoun "I". It's to avoid ownership. You dang well know it belonged to him in the first place and with good reason .

Allow your background of alcohol and drug counseling to afford you with insight . You got wisdom. You have an understanding of people, resulting in the ability to apply perceptions, judgments and actions. It's a matter to apply your insight to your own personal use as well.

So far, whatever has been going on to improve your confidence has not been successful. I too suggest getting proactive and get access to "life coaching" for a kick start. You may certainly need a helper to debunk the old past junk. Listen dear, get busy and change what YOU say and feel about yourself. " Am I just a freak" is an example that needs be debunked. A small hint: learn and choose to use positive labels into your repertoire.

If you don't have faith in counseling then why did you become a counselor? Think about that for a minute.

Don't let what he said in hopes of getting another chance to screw you over make you believe you can not overcome anything. I can't predict that it will never ever bother you, but I can say it doesn't have to be that way.

Congratulations on getting your certification. (((HUGS))))

Congrats on moving on with your career. That is a great accomplishment. Hope you celebrate.

I agree he is just not taking responsibility and trying to make it look like your lack of committment. When I heard that abusers accuse you of the things they are doing, a lot of things made more sense to me. You can't apply normal peoples logic to the twisted mind and words of these folks. They don't make sense to us. That doesn't make you the freak, they are.

Counseling has been a godsend, I hope you give it another try. Don't give up on yourself, that is the negative self image talking and telling you lies.

Hugs

I agree with the others--you need to get counseling. You are a certified counselor--what would you say to someone who would say to you, "I don't think counseling will help me"?

Physician, heal thyself. Make the call today.

Sending loads of hugs. You can break out of this limbo period. You just need to take the first step.

I'd be lost without my counselor. I KNOW some things I think are just not right or rational. She really helps me break through some of the crap.