Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

Why am I suddenly depressed (PTSD)

jljlost
jljlost

My ex called my yesterday and said my daughter, Tori, told him my old chiropractor had been arrested for sexual assult, fondling a woman's breasts. He was surprised.


Today I woke up depressed, and then it came back to me.


My BIL had molisted me many years ago. My then husband, watched and did not stop him. I was asleep but woke up. I asked why he didn't do anything and my ex replied 'You looked like you were enjoying it. Anyway, no big deal'. He said the police would just laugh at me.


Ten years later the same BIL fondled my young, then 13, daughter's breasts. She was rreally upset. I called my then husband and said I was calling the police. He said wait, let me talk to BIL first. Two weeks later he told me BIL was really drunk that night and doesn't remember doing that. Actually he outright denied doing any fondling. He called my daughter and me liars. My ex also said 'What's the big deal? She is still a virgin. Nothing happened. The police won't believe you, in fact they will probably just laugh. Just forget about it. You will only cause grief to my MIL.' I was worthless.


Up until I saw how my chiropractor had been arrested for fondling a woman, there was still a part of me that believed my ex was right. It was no big deal and the police would laugh. Now I realize how sick I had been back then from all the domesric abuse/violence I had been through. I was unable to distinguish between what was wrong behavour and correct behavour, when a person did something to me that was illegal and against the law. My ex had told me I was worthless for so long I believed him. He had done so many illegal, abusive disrespectful things to me I had lost that part of me that knew when a line had been crossed and I deserved respect. I forgot!


Thank God I divorced him. I had full blown PTSD and will never be the same again, but I would probably be dead if I had not left when I did.


It starts out so small, is slow to progress and when you feel totally crazy it is out of control....PTSD. I look back and cannot believe the stuff he got away with and how I let him do things and treat me in horrible ways. I can see clearly now and it is unbelievable to me that I allowed it to happen, but it crept  up so slow.

Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
My friend, big warm hugs. Reading your journal brought me back to when my late father and uncle did the same thing. But they went even further than that. In Canada there is not statute of limitation on assault. And even the states have such a law. I wish that I had reported them. But 60 years ago, there was little that would have been done. You need to talk to a therapist about this. It will help. Your daughter needs to be told that she is a good woman with worth and values. She will need all the help she can get to deal with this. Remember this "IT IS NOT OUR FAULT" never was and never will be. We are good, loving, kind and amazing women. We are worth more than they ever will. We have everything, morals, trust, respect and intergrity. They have nothing. Please think about reporting them. If they did it to you, they can be doing it to others.
jljlost
jljlost
Mary. Thank you for understanding. I am 65 now and it was many years ago. My daughter became a crack addict and changed her name from Vicky to Tori right after it happened. She will not talk to me and I have not heard from her in many years. She says it never happened and I am a liar, but her reaction to being reminded of it throws her into a rage of denial. That, in itself, proves something happened, but she refuses to admit it. She repressed it. Her dad said it never happened and obviously she is taking the less painful way out. But it still affects her like it did me. Finally I feel vindicated, sadly, she never will, unless she faces it.
Thanks for the hugs. I needed it. I Feel much better. One less piece of baggage to carry.
Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
Hugs my friend. You are not alone in this. I am 66 and I can still feel the shame and anger. But it is not our fault. It is horrible that your daughter is not talking to you now. I hope she get the help she desperately needs. I am angry for you and your daughter. PM if you need to talk and remember the shame is all theirs not ours.
refurb
refurb
Your ex is piece of shit not protecting his daughter and wife

You ex bil is a monster

Both should be shoved down a well

You should of spoken up for yourself and for your daughter, you loved and trusted a piece if shit that is highly skilled at manipulation, he was good a shutting you down

You aren't with him anymore, don't beat yourself up about choices you made
A man
supports and defends his wife and children , yours demoralized you
cmonge
cmonge
this makes me so angry! How could he make you feel any of that was normal?! Manipulative asshole. But I do understand how the abuse gradually builds until it feels you don't know what's right or wrong, normal or abnormal anymore. I'm so glad you are free of him. I'm sorry your daughter was a casualty of the problems though. I hope she will be able to find help and salvage the rest of her life. No one deserves that treatment. Many hugs to you.
jljlost
jljlost
I don't keep up with all you guys enough. I reread this post and realized how lucky I am to have people who understand the hell I went through.
Refurb, I so wish I had, at the time, a person to get angry for me and protect me. I had lost the ability to recognize where the lines separated right from wrong and that I had the same rights as other people, to be treated with respect. I thought I did not have those rights. I had later found out from 3 different people, that my ex was sleeping with my daughter. I don't know if it is the truth or not. She was in her 20's and frankly I was afraid of her. She was physically abusive and my ex always blamed me for instigating it, like asking her how her day went. He, being in the medical field, provided her with prescriptions that were illegal. But she refused to talk to me......and I didn't go to the police because my ex had me convinced I was crazy and they would not believe me. After all, he was a doctor and I was worthless. The time I did call 911 because my ex allowed my daughter to keep a stolen car in our garage until it had been dismantled, the police arrested the guy but he was out of jail and back in my house 2 weeks later. They believed my ex when he said he didn't know about it. Then turned it around, focusing on how did I know and why did I wait 2 weeks to report it. I wish I had known about this group back then so I had people who could help me understand when to call the police because a line had been crossed. I was so confused I really thought maybe my ex did nothing wrong. The police would believe I was crying wolf....oh I didn't mean to get off the subject.
Thank you every oneand BIG hugs to you all for being here now.
jljlost
jljlost
One last thing....the guy who got arrested and came back 2 weeks later, brought a gun, a loaded 45 and pointed it at me.,saying I was going to have the sh-t beaten out of me because his friends were angry at me. My ex laughed and I was too frightened to call the police again.
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