I'm not sure I have a good answer for you. After 6 years, I still miss having that someone to come home and share my day with, to receive comfort and support from, etc etc. I call that emotional intimacy and I miss it. I have a strong faith in God from whom I receive daily strength and support. I am fortunate to have close relationships with family and friends with whom I share a lot of this stuff, but it's not the same for sure. I miss sharing the ups and downs of our adult kids with their dad. Yes, we talk about serious issues regarding them, but I mean the daily stuff that I would like to share with their dad. Even though I have a busy, full life, I feel a sense of isolation or loneliness of not having that person with whom to share the day to day ups and downs of life. I call it "heart loneliness"

(((cmonge))) it gets hard at times. I'm glad you remembered you can come here. I wish I weren't so far away so we could get together and have a good old chat and coffee.

In the end, I learned I had to fill that spot for myself. It's not easy and it takes a while to get used to it. After 7 years of being there for myself, I surprised myself recently. I was very upset about something and I automatically started saying out loud "It's ok. It'll be ok" over and over. I was so surprised, I started to laugh!!

When you feel really down and lonely, that's how you feel. There's nothing wrong with that. We're all allowed to have feelings. Feelings are part of being human.

I understand that fear that maybe you might not ever have someone else to care like your ex did. It's natural to want to run to someone. When there's no one to turn to, it's important to be able to care for yourself. Give yourself the love and compassion. It's not quite the same as feeling someone else's arms around you or someone else's loving energy coming from their physical body, but it can help you enormously if you will try it.

Now, put one arm around yourself so it touches your opposite side. Then put your other arm around the other way. Breathe in nice and deeply and imagine they are all the arms from DS giving you one big group hug:)

love and hugs
kamary

You will matter to someone
2.5 years is too soon
Your are just at the bottom
Good cause no more falling!

Thank you!! Kamary you give such good advice. I chuckled, but since I think you're serious, I am going to try it! It can't hurt.

Sundays are usually sad for me. I've come to expect evening tears and feelings of desolation - after the busy-ness of the week, when I settle in I usually just feel completely lonely. But then yesterday, (Tuesday), I was taken aback by having a terrible day - all day long. I was on the verge of tears and fighting back that heavy feeling even at work, and even at my spin class - which is where I usually zone out and exercise my way into peacefulness. But I guess a lot is going on - the holidays, people talking about their family/couple traditions, asking if I'll bring a date to a party, asking if I have New Year's Plans, my ex having a nice new GF who wants to get serious, my kid's issues, etc.... Ugh!!! Maybe this sadness is justified and I need to let it happen a little bit.....

I think you are absolutely right. We think because we made it through the first Christmas, the first anniversary, the first this and that, that we should be ok. At least that was what I thought! But I understand what you are saying. It just sort of sneaks up now and then doesn't it? And don't for a moment think it isn't affecting him too. Just because he has her, doesn't mean all those good years are wiped from his brain.
Just be kind to yourself. And Kamary is right! Do something special for yourself. A little treat just from you, to you. This too shall pass... ((Hugs))

Sorry to hear you're having a tough stretch. I find my grief and loneliness comes in waves, sometimes far apart, sometimes out of nowhere, sometimes, like now, it's triggered by holidays and memories of happier times.
I've been a little down too. I went to a neighbor's Christmas party, all acquaintances, no friends, and we played a silly, hysterical, charade type of game. I don't think I've laughed like that in over a decade. While it was good to laugh, realizing how long it had been, and how long it could be before it happens again, brought me to tears over the weekend. I too feel like no one cares, I have no one to share with, I'll never have that again.
Moscato's name, "heart loneliness," rings true. Although I'm sad about it, I'm not going to live here. I'm choosing to try to mitigate my loneliness by helping others. I'm focusing on doing what I can, searching for ways to have a little fun or help others have a better holiday.
I'm glad you shared with us, and so grateful you all are here to share my feelings with. I know it's not the same, but the e-hugs and support really do help!

I found going in for therapy saved me. I could say anything I wanted and still see her when I feel I need to.
You can rant on here all you want we have all been in your place.
Do any of the church's near you have a divorce support group? That would be a good place to start. And as
MNMama says volunteering to help others is a good idea too.

Hugs Dee

I agree with Kamary too. I find that I am a lot gentler and nicer to myself. I talk to myself and give myself a pep talk now and then. If I feel down I tell myself it is okay and I am allowed to lay around on the couch if I want to. I like being alone much more than I thought I would. I call my sister if I really need someone to talk to and she is wonderful.
But you have to remember that even when we were married, we were not happy all the time. I still felt down at times and my ex wasn't always the best listener. Holidays are hard. I hope you treat yourself kindly and allow yourself a good cry and then tell yourself things will be okay.

While I'm still fairly new to this divorce (will be a year in Jan, two years since he left) and I've been through all the firsts I am struggling too. I feel him near, he is in my head constantly, I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up thinking about him. I do much better during the day and I'm doing pretty good considering but sometimes his presence is so strong, it's like he really isn't gone, but he is. I have family and my sweet grand daughters close by and am busy and have a great support system but I never know when I'll break down but I've learned it's ok to cry so I do. as long as we don't hold on to that sadness too long we'll be ok.

Have you tried any Meetups?? That is a great way to meet people and do fun things w/out the dating worries. Also volunteering somewhere might be a good way to spend some time.

We seem to think our ex's are living a charmed life but they struggle too, just different then our struggles possibly, and I'm sure they think about us from time to time (I know mine does). Just this morning I was remembering my ex and how much I loved our mornings together, then I started thinking about his new life, how he lives for free at his moms house, bought a new car and truck, paying off his debt from way before we meet and how I got stuck with all of our debt and how dare he leave and I could feel all of this emotion and anxiety starting to build when the words came into my head "don't worry about it, just don't worry about it", good advice, I was able to change my thinking and avoided a melt down.

I guess what I'm trying to say in this long winded post is that we feel what you're feeling and we are here for you, this place has amazing support, think where we'd be without each other. Good days and bad days, we are here. Hugs!!

It took me about 3 years before I had completed the complete turnaround after the divorce but everyone is different. This was the hardest thing for me as well. One of the things I used to do was journal here on DS in private during those times I needed to "talk" to the x. I would write a journal entry to myself and share. I did this every night like I would at the end of my day. You can mark it private so it's just you, or you can leave it public to your friends and they can respond. I started out private and then one time I forgot to mark it private and my friends started commenting and it was so helpful and comforting and from then on I journaled and let my friends share my day with me.

The other thing I did was make a decision to nurture what I NEEDED. So I set up a place of comfort, which to me was a reading area. I had a love seat, lamp, table, candle with a scent I picked that I bought from Yanke Candle (mine was citrus sage) and I always had it going when I was home except when I slept. I burned a LOT of those candles in those first 3 years. I put my favorite books and music there as well. I walked every day and sometimes I did my talking to myself on the walk. Sometimes it made me cry, sometimes it made me laugh, sometimes I'd scream (no one was around) and sometimes I would just meditate as I Iwalked.

I started a book journal of just "quotes" that inspired me from DS, from books I read, etc. That was life-changing for me. I still have it and every time I read a book and a saying stands out that was an "aha" moment for me, I write it down.

I realized that the reason I was so dependent on my x was that he had become my whole co-dependent existence because of his narcissism, among other things. So, I promised myself that I would NEVER stop learning and changing me. That was always huge. It has helped me to have the information that when I do get down, I can get back up.

Just remember to never discount your feelings. They are there for a reason. But each time you acknowledge them, feel them and then move over to nurturing yourself. I remember the day I cam home, which was about 3 years after he first left, and I felt peace, and for the first time in my life, unconditionally loved. And it was just me. And then it dawned on me that I was finally caring for me and now I was ready to be a part of an us. If it happened, then great, if not, I loved who I was and the life I had reinvented.

Big hugs and good job for coming here and sharing your feelings.

This is where I feel disconnected from this forum. I never had that someone who would hear my problems and offer support. I was always the one doing that for the ex. I now know he never really connected with me in our marriage so I'm a bit lost at this part.

cmonge you haven't been away from your ex that long. I have been divorced 8 years since this past Dec. 11th. There was three more court hearings during that 8 years. It's been maybe just over 2 years since I haven't had to deal with the ex on some monetary level. I am finally able to say I'm truly happy and moving on with my life.

I envy the fact that you all were so connected to your ex's during your marriage and I know how hard this has been for you. I have a sense of how hard it is to let go of that dream and make a life for yourself. I didn't get on this site until two years after my divorce and those two years were rough for me and our daughter. All anyone can do is be kind to yourself and realize it's going to take time. That time is different for everyone. I found the weekends were the worst even though the ex had worked away from home the last ten years of our marriage. There was still that hope that things would change and I was beginning to realize that was a pipe dream for me and was never going to happen.

cmonge preplan the holidays and your weekends. Sunday is the worst for a lot of us. For some reason Sunday was really horrible for me. I can tell you with time this too shall pass and you will make a new life for yourself. Your ex will fade from your daily thoughts and you will be able to mention him without sorrow and regrets. Fill up your life with the things that are most important to you. Family, friends, work and you will get to a new, better life. Sending you some much needed (((HUGS)))

Trisha - I'm sorry you never felt you had that. As painful as this is, sometimes I still think that having loved and lost is better than never having had a good relationship at all. In fact, when I was married, I used to remind my self of that when I'd hear people complaining about their spouses, or not wanting to go home because it was tense. I never felt that way and I knew how lucky I was at the time. But it does make it more confusing once it falls apart.

Calli, you really offered up some very concrete suggestions, which I really appreciate! So many times all we can give is kind words to console, so thanks for going even further.

I want to tell everyone on DS how much I appreciate our community and how supportive we are. I hope I can pay back what I gain from this group.

Cathy

You know, a lot of times we just THINK we were emotionally connected with our partners...during the 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce mine, my therapist helped me break through a lot of my ILLUSIONS and that was a big step toward my healing. For 30 years, I would share my thoughts and feelings with the now-X, but in retrospect, I learned that he was only pretending to listen. I discovered that he had the ability to take all the joy out of anything that made me smile and how he belittled my feelings in just about any situation.

I'm not saying it was that way for anyone else, but that's how it was for me. Once my illusions were busted, I started to feel a whole lot better.

And like Trisha, Sundays can still be a bit problematic for me and I have been divorced for over 8 years! I have this notion that EVERYBODY ELSE has SOMEONE to spend Sundays with -- except me! It's total nonsense, but I still feel that way sometimes.

This is all a huge process and it does take time. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with all of you who still get down in the dumps about being divorced. Hugs all around you! xoxo

I totally agree with CGK on this one. I too spent a lot of time stripping away what was real and what was not. What was fantasy and what was real. For me...I spent a great deal of time making excuses for my ex...ones I myself began to believe. When you add up 24 years of make believe...it takes a few to strip them all away. At the end of the day...after all my misconceptions had light shone upon them...I was left with an empty shell of a relationship. He had checked out many years prior to his leaving. Had I left when I knew ( somewhere deep down inside ) I would have gained 10 years of my life without gut wrenching emotional abuse.

When I realized a lot of my post divorce pain was self imposed ( meaning stripping away my own fantasies about the marriage ) things started to change. Healing began. My truth about the relationship was...if he cheated, lied and belittled me...he was doing me no favors by staying and pretending...it was me that was paying the price.

One day I went through all our old photo albums...I was shocked to see that I can pin point the year things changed for him...it was starring me right in the face...I could see it in his eyes...the pictures captured it. I wept when I saw this and I was angry that many years of my life was wasted...years that were very painful.

My advise to those who are pinning over that lost marriage...take some time to be honest with yourself about the marriage...was it really the way you portray it? Are you actually mourning the right things? The truth is...if they left for another..chances are you are mourning a fantasy...Big Hugs..Kathy

Trisha, CGK and Kathy, I was also blind to the fact that the ex had checked out many years before I decided to leave. The realisation began about 2 years before I left, and boy, did that hurt. That's when I got angry. I felt like I was fighting a battle all on my own for something only I wanted. Like you guys, I could have saved myself a lot of verbal and emotional abuse if I had left 20 years earlier. There were even signs as early as within months of our wedding. And yes, the photos tell it all, Kathy. I can't bear to look at them.

Cmonge, we understand. It's such a long and painful journey, and it gets so lonely. Remember we are all here and we know what you're going through. Be kind to you. Talk to yourself (no one will know LOL). Read about how to live by yourself and nurture yourself. Go out and buy milk so you can speak to someone. Exercise. Eat good healthy food. When it all boils down, every person has to take care of themselves properly whether they live alone or not.

love and hugs
kamary