Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

When your Family thinks their HELPING.......

disneymom65
disneymom65
I was blessed with 2 brothers and 2 sisters my siblings are the best people I know. My brothers both younger call me or send me an e-mail about once every couple weeks to check on me and see if I need anything. My sisters one older one younger yes, i'm in the middle Jan Brady ( Marsha, Marsha, Marsha) right. They are not so well let's say thoughtful to my feelings. They call EVERYDAY!!!!! They always start off saying the same thing " Are you crying again?" Just stop it he is not worth it, he's a piece of shit who didn't derserve you, he didn't appreciate you, I hope he chokes on it!! He's a loser, he's a COWARD, he's this and he's that. I know this already but it doesn't change how i'm feeling right now. So I decided not to confide in them too much because their feeling's are obvious. So they get upset if I confide in them because they feel like it's been 7 months I should be over the hump by now. Then they get upset when I don't confide in them and feel as though i'm shutting them out. So i'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

I don't need them to tell me constantly what they feel I should be doing. I'm me and I have to survive the best way I can. Some good days some bad days. Both my sister's are Divorced my older sister twice and younger sister once. I have more time in with my one husband then both of them combined with all of their husbands. One wants me on medication, one wants me to sell all my stuff and give up my dogs and move to Dallas to live with our parents. They both get on my older kids all the time that they should be doing more to help me instead of putting added stress on me. It's like they think i'm a basket case that should be on a Thorzine drip in a padded room. I know my sisters LOVE ME SO MUCH they don't want to see me hurting so badly but I have to just go through it right?

How do I let my sisters know how much I love and appreciate all their concern but PLEASE BACK OFF and let me deal with it in my way. Maybe it's not the way they would do it but it's just the best I can do. They are concerned that I spend to much time at home but I like being home. It's quiet and safe, peaceful, and relaxing. Plus I work 2 jobs and I want to spend time with Austin when i'm not working is this bad? Why do they feel like I should be out every night socializing and meeting people? I don't want to meet people right now, I don't want to join a gym or take up rock climbing I just want to come home cook dinner for Austin and I and pop in a movie. Am I missing something? Is this not healthy? Maybe I will feel more like going out again someday but I just don't feel like it except to a movie with the kids or a girlfriend. I LOVE MY SISTERS SO MUCH SINCE WE WERE LITTLE WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THER FOR EACH OTHER IT'S HARD FOR ME TO TELL THEM ENOUGH YOUR NOT HELPING???????
What should I do??????????????????????????
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wish I had the answer! On the one hand, you know they mean well, as misguided as they may be. It's a delicate tightrope, making other's happy at our expense to avoid conflict. I have a friend who broke her ankle in multiple places, pins and everything now. This happened in May. So here is is the end of June and the walking cast is off. It's very swollen, but she had clearance to not use the cast and return to prudent normal activities. She is sick, sick, sick of her family telling her to put her leg up or stay off of it. She wants to be treated normal. So we all see this swollen limb....it sticks out like a sore thumb. Similarly, your sisters see that you aren't the old you and want to fix it. The best thing you can do is let them know you are grateful for their love, compassion and caring, but that you need to deal with your personal stuff in your own way and explain that it is a process. Assure them you care about their thoughts. Then from here on out, sidestep any questions or suggestions they have by countering with a question about them. People love to talk about themselves!!! So redirect, redirect, you got it, redirect them. I know it's tough. There are days when you are just going through the motions and they are in tune with that, dammit! Can't fake them out. But the thing is, when you pretend to be perky around them, as phony as that seems, eventually, you will feel yourself actually becoming perky..like having your own private joke to smile at. I hope this makes sense. I wish you the best. hugs!
antaresmom
antaresmom
Well Disneymom if that just doesnt sound like my 1 sister,god bless you for hearing it from 2 of them,I live exactly 4 blocks away from my sister,but i only talk to her when necessary,I know she means well and loves me immensely as i do her,but her views and mine are totally different when it comes to my impending divorce,I have tried disgussing with her what is going on and some how she turns it around to well maybe if you did this or done that ....She doesnt understand because bless her she has been married for 27 yrs,then of course theres the well you can always up and leave,really i ask her and go where,I am not staying at yours or moms house so where would u like me to go,she thinks i am still a child and not a grown women of 47......I love her to death but she is a drama queen, and with the drama of divorce looming i think i have more than enough ......So if your sisters try calling or emailing 1st get caller ID for the phone and 2nd only open email once week this way you talk to them on your terms not theirs,they will get the hint after awhile......Best of Luck.
MsTerey
MsTerey
Maybe you should just tell them what you wrote, with some editing and no anger, the last paragraph of your post. I believe and i think you do, that they mean well, and it is better to have people concerned about you in this process than not. It is hard for family and friends to shut off the switch of concern when any of us have been in a bad marriage, they want to help. I tell people that I help who complain about this kind of behavior, you can't have it both ways, need them when you do, and then reject help when you don't think you need it. You will find your way and they will let you have space eventually. If it has only been 7 months, and not sure if you are divorced, it takes time. I told my mom too much and found I had to edit it a bit, I did not want her worrying about me too much. I think that is is common to unload all the angry bad things on family and they can end up hating your sbtx, when you do not, or we have to deal with him and they do not.

It is much better to have support and concern! I also think, although you do not have to justify what you do, it does help to tell your friends and family what you actions you are doing to be independent or move forward. This is reassuring and healthy, and I know that you don't have to do that, but it helps all. I find that for those of you with young kids you do not have a social outlet, family worrys about that too.. that you have too much to do. Your kids come first, but you need to take care of you too!
deleted_user
deleted_user
2 jobs and they think you stay home to much? that's a good one, lol!
i have a sister and brother that constantly do the stbx bashing thing every time i talk to them, what they do not get is my stbx was a good husband and father for a lot of years up until the fall out! i get tired of hearing it but i do not talk to them everyday thank goodness! and actually our daughter bashes him more than anyone and that is what is the most hurtful to me but i do understand 100% because she and our son have also been abandoned by the stbx and no matter how old the kids are it still hurts to the core of their being. but hey guess my stbx thinks it is all about poor him these days, damn him!
im grateful for the support but...................
tobywinn
tobywinn
Request to ask them instead to focus and tell you the good things of your character. There's nothing better than to hear that your sisters completely APPROVE of you and why.

I too had some family members say to me "Your ex did not mean to get involved in an affair" , not knowing that my ex had many affairs [oh hell NO was my reaction! ] How about " Oh, your ex was not that bad". Meaning one allows exoneration of adultery because he was the primary bread earner, not in my book! Another of my favorites was "A lot of people cheat".... yeah, doesn't make it right! The best yet came from an uncle said "Your ex wasn't getting enough at home" almost made me reach through the phone to choke him till he turn blue. I responded, you know anything about "wanting your cake and eat it too"?

I could not believe some of stuff my closest family were spitting out from their mouths in their attempts. I was spending an enormous amount of time and effort in debunking their mindlessness societal and cultural rules that deters "deal breakers". I had to shut them down and ran straight to Divorce Recovery. Trust me, I quickly learned not to take on someone else's character problems.
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
The best I have to offer you my friend is this:

NOBODY has NO IDEA what you are going through UNLESS they have been through the EXACT SAME THING!

Now, you have a choice! And it's a good exercise in BOUNDARY SETTING!

It's nice that they keep in touch with you. When the BASHING starts, YOU must simply say "I really don't want to engage in that kind of talk because it is counter-productive to my healing." If they insist on continuing, HANG UP THE PHONE.

If they start to lambaste you with the "what you SHOULD be feeling or doing" thing, all you have to say is "I appreciate your concern and your advice. I am doing the best I can right now." If they insist on keeping it up, LIE -- tell them you have to leave, someone is at the door, something is cooking over on the stove. WHATEVER! JUST DO IT!

AND IF NONE OF THESE METHODS WORK, then REMEMBER -- YOU CAN CHOOSE TO EITHER TAKE THE CALL OR IGNORE IT! You are NOT a slave to the telephone. Ditto on text messages and email. THIS IS YOUR BALL GAME, MY DEAR. Be the Captain of Your Team!
lori47
lori47
Yes finding myself in same boat with my parents. I am ok with me or the kids bashing my ex because we lived with the effects of alcoholism but tired of negative stuff by parents. Find i really dont talk with them as much and drifting further from them. They also dont approve of my contact with ex BIL and ex SIL but i am happy to have them back in my life. You have to do what is best for you. Hang in there.
KRKing911
KRKing911
Your sisters love you and as you said they just want the best for you. Tell them that you understand they are on your side, but you don't want them "bashing" him anymore unless you start the bashing. Then it will be OK. Tell them it hurts you, because your feeling so sad, that when they start saying things it just hurts your more. Right wrong or indifferent, that's just the way it is. They don't want to hurt you. They are on your team and sometimes forget there was love there at one time.
As for going out, I don't really want to go out either. I just want to stay home for now. I'm trying to force myself bit by bit because I do have to make a life of my own. So I'm trying new experiences. But I'm doing it when I'm ready..not when anyone else thinks I am. Your doing fine - you will have your ups and your downs. As long as you stay focused on YOU, everything else can come second.
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
Yes, you do have to set some boundaries. I know they are concerned for you, but they are not living YOUR life, you are. You have to do what you think is best for you right now.

I had a lot of well meaning people advising me to do all sorts of things during my separation. I did what I wanted and what I felt was best.

I think you do need to set some boundary rules: no bashing--totally counterproductive to healing. Yes, it initially feels good but eventually you begin to see how it impedes healing; no moving or changing residence for one calendar year--you should never make major life decisions like that when in the middle of an emotional crisis; finally, if they are so concerned about you going out, do they offer to babysit so you can have an evening for yourself? Not to date necessarily, but to go get a manicure or pedicure, or massage or just go see a movie or visit a bookstore or do something you want?

Sending hugs. I'm very lucky--my sister gives me just the right amount of attention and doesn't overdo it.
Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
Great advice but how about just saying ok, hmmmmmmm, fine and or whatever but never really commenting or giving them your opinion on anything. tune them out and then go your own merry little way, I did that and now they just do not bother me anymore. No matter what they say, you do not have to it seriously. I love staying home alone, for I am alone but not lonely. That is for us to choose, no one else can do it for us. When I get home at night, the door is locked and I get into my heavenly comfortable pj's, a nice coffee and curl up with Ms Mocha C. Mouser.
lycesq
lycesq
Kathi's right. Boundaries are important and while people think bashing your ex is a good idea, it doesn't help.
It's time to stand up for yourself and set limits with your beloved siblings for your own mental health.

Lynne
deleted_user
deleted_user
You sound like you are doing as well if not much better than most, I would say and have: Blankety blank i love you so much but I really don't want to talk about ok? I love the response about redirect, how funny and true it is. My brother said once he didn't care what shrink it was he could get them talking about themselves and off him in like two minutes. He is such a nut, I love him so.
disneymom65
disneymom65
Thanks everyone so very much. I have to remind myself that all of this stress and change not only for me but for my kids and my family who loved my H too very much has taken place in just 6 months. 6 months out of 23 years is really very little time. I have set my boundries with my sisters and simply let them know that I love them very much but I don't want to hear it anymore. Whatever my H has decided to do now for what ever reason he was still my husband for 23 years and the father of my children. I told them saying all these bad things about him only hurts me too because I was his wife and I loved him reguardless of what he's decided to do now it doesn't change our history or our past together. Only changes the FUTURE..........
deleted_user
deleted_user
Lots of good advice here. I think divorce is similar to the death of a loved one and there is a grieving process that is very personal and dealt differently by each individual. Your sisters mean well and are trying to help. Try not to let it get to you. I'd suggest something like, 'I'll take that into consideration, thank you' ...and then changing the subject.
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