Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
We all know that the Power or Control that our ex's have over us will slowly but surely all GO AWAY. When this happens and they know that they no longer have a say in what we do or how we live don't be suprised if they resort to a TEMPER TANTRUM. Like a child who throws a temper fit which seems like out of Anger but is actually out of FEAR Stand Strong an wait for it to pass. My stbx has absolutely NO CONTROL OVER HIS LIFE OR MINE RIGHT NOW. Granted all from his own choices but still chosing to blame everyone and everything else for what is happening to him now.
See when they leave they have this GRAND version in their heads of how wonderful, and free, and pleasant, and exciting their lives are going to be now. No wife telling him to come home for dinner, no kids to take to school, no dogs to walk...... How AWESOME RIGHT!!!! WRONG!!!!!! Oh sure it's great for awhile until their HONEYMOON period ends and" What I have to be held accountable?" Then you get " How could YOU do this to me?" " Why are YOU doing this?" My ex blames the Lawyers, the Judge, my Family, my Co-workers, even the Kids. Everybody is doing this TO HIM NOW IT'S NOT HIS FAULT RIGHT????
So now his Honeymoon period has ended and they are taking his money and giving it to me, Our older kids wont speak to him at all at this point, and even our young son is about done with him. So now he is throwing a full blown fit. The name calling starts I'm Bitter, I'm Angry, I'm being a Bitch, ect...... All I can do is put up my sheild and take all his nasty name calling and threats, and empty bull crap words and realize that it comes from FEAR!!!! Now he's scared and he doesn't know what to do, he is being held up to every bad choice he has made over the past year and he can't believe that his NEW GREAT LIFE WITH ALL THE FEEDOM ACTUALLY COMES AT A PRICE. He even texted me one day and said" I'm scared don't know whats going to happen"? I simply replied " Welcome to my life for the past year, How does it feel"?
He even threatened to take me to court because I was letting our son stay up til 10:00 and that makes me a bad parent???? GRASPING AT STRAWS NOW. If he can't get me Financially anymore and he can't get me Emotionally anymore, there is not much left except try to question my parenting now. In the end he won't do anything because he's proven that he is a coward and runs from problems doesn't face them.
So when some of you are at the point where your standing strong on your own, and your ex's are coming around again or texting you things like " How could you do this to me"? Tell them to stand in front of a mirror and ask that question again.........
See when they leave they have this GRAND version in their heads of how wonderful, and free, and pleasant, and exciting their lives are going to be now. No wife telling him to come home for dinner, no kids to take to school, no dogs to walk...... How AWESOME RIGHT!!!! WRONG!!!!!! Oh sure it's great for awhile until their HONEYMOON period ends and" What I have to be held accountable?" Then you get " How could YOU do this to me?" " Why are YOU doing this?" My ex blames the Lawyers, the Judge, my Family, my Co-workers, even the Kids. Everybody is doing this TO HIM NOW IT'S NOT HIS FAULT RIGHT????
So now his Honeymoon period has ended and they are taking his money and giving it to me, Our older kids wont speak to him at all at this point, and even our young son is about done with him. So now he is throwing a full blown fit. The name calling starts I'm Bitter, I'm Angry, I'm being a Bitch, ect...... All I can do is put up my sheild and take all his nasty name calling and threats, and empty bull crap words and realize that it comes from FEAR!!!! Now he's scared and he doesn't know what to do, he is being held up to every bad choice he has made over the past year and he can't believe that his NEW GREAT LIFE WITH ALL THE FEEDOM ACTUALLY COMES AT A PRICE. He even texted me one day and said" I'm scared don't know whats going to happen"? I simply replied " Welcome to my life for the past year, How does it feel"?
He even threatened to take me to court because I was letting our son stay up til 10:00 and that makes me a bad parent???? GRASPING AT STRAWS NOW. If he can't get me Financially anymore and he can't get me Emotionally anymore, there is not much left except try to question my parenting now. In the end he won't do anything because he's proven that he is a coward and runs from problems doesn't face them.
So when some of you are at the point where your standing strong on your own, and your ex's are coming around again or texting you things like " How could you do this to me"? Tell them to stand in front of a mirror and ask that question again.........
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
And we will have the satisfaction of being our new strong, beautiful selves and be able to say 'too bad, so sad' basically. We all want to see them confused, sad, unhappy, especially in the early days as we imagine them with the ow.
It's so so hard. I find Friday and SAturday nights the hardest.
My now-X never came crawling back or even alluded to wanting to come back because he KNEW I would NEVER allow him back into my life after what he did and how he did it. It was quite enough to KNOW that Karma would come around to him eventually -- and it didn't take long.
When reading Disneymom's discussion, all I could think of were the lyrics written by the late, great Janis Joplin: "Freedom is just another word for NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE..." That's the song these runaway husbands will all be singing.
Chin up, my friend. Find something to fill your weekend evenings with and you will feel a whole lot better! xoxox from just south of Savannah, Georgia! tonight.
I doubt X would ever return remorseful. I think he really believes that I am suffering without his constant abuse and neglect. He probly thinks it is a punishment to stay away. That works for me. Better than the punishment of living with him.
When I left, someone suggested that I take the first offer of settlement. They said it would be the best one because he would still be feeling guilty. They were pretty well right because when I argued that he had undervalued a couple of things, and started proceedings to have valuations done myself, he got very angry. From then on, things got extremely nasty, and the shaking which stopped me from going ahead began. When I decided not to go to court, he became very nice again until I agreed to a slightly less agreeable settlement than had been offered initially (down turn in economy, my foot, but I had to stop the shaking). Then his anger was out again as he revealed the OW at a crucial moment when I needed my wits about me again. My ex has a slow-release kind of anger. He works out his attack plan and then goes about it quietly, no yelling, no physical abuse, just heaps of emotional and verbal abuse full of evil intent and vindictiveness. His eyes are the scariest thing about him. I am well out of my marriage,no matter the price.
Iammine, I remember finding the weekends very lonely as I imagined "everyone else" was happily partying or seeing people. After a while, I stopped thinking about what my ex is doing. I've discovered that not everyone is out and about on the weekends, and there are plenty of people sitting watching a good movie or reading. I keep my weekdays busy now and I find that I look forward to my quiet weekends.
Even along the way when I dropped someone out of my life who had the potential to hurt my kids, he twisted it into a psychological analyses of me. Instead of seeing it for what it was, he much later wrote a letter to my eventual fiance saying that it was a "devalue cycle" on my part..
If we don't have a devalue cycle when it comes to protecting our children, then shame on any one of us.
People will see what they want, discard what they need to in order to keep a belief system. If reality is contradictory to their belief system, then they will twist it to fit or even make something up out of the blue. The integrity of a good person is someone who is objective with a broad perspective. If someone does not have that ability to see things for what they are, we can talk until we're blue in the face and they will pick and choose their drama at the expense of everyone except themselves. I've seen it a million times in hostile, antagonistic people.
I say the magic of false claims and delusions in someone's mind who constructs a belief system founded on damaging someone else's reputation is a deal breaker whether it is a future partner, present, or past. And that goes for anyone who does this to anyone, not just ourselves. There is cause for celebration when they are no longer a part of your life.
I don't have any contact with my X. Just one or two informational e-mails between lawyers with me cc'd. I did find out that he got really nasty with his sister, told her she didn't have a brother anymore because I was invited to her SURPRISE birthday party and he wasn't. She tried to tell him that, it was a surprise party and she didn't have anything to do with the invites...hence the surprise.
He didn't give a shit - his feelings were hurt - Hell, what does he think he did to everyone with his selfishness? Make them happy? No, everyone is hurt by what he did, but that's ok, because he's HAPPY!!!! EVERYONE SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR HIS HAPPINESS.. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?
What a selfish POS... Oh boy...
Yes, when it all goes down the tubes, they start realizing it wasn't the wife. Unfortunately, I don't think they have the capability to look within and realize the problem came with them, so they lash out. It's always someone else's fault, never theirs. The sad part is I believe the vast majority never get it and will always blame others. Right now, my ex's daughter is in the line of fire. Now everything is her fault. She has taken to ignoring him as I advised her to do. As Cowgirl Kathi says, "If you don't play the game, there is no game."
While my ex is still with the skank ho/now wife, many have told me it's not a happy relationship. I tell them, "Oh well, he made his choice. Now he must live with it." As for me, I'd never take him back.
As Knuckle said, I also enjoy my peaceful, free life. I wouldn't go back to that verbal abuse for anything.
Nice post, Disney!
It does get better with time, maybe not by the ex stopping what they are doing, but by US becoming stronger and wiser, taking the high ground and just letting them lash out. It's their life that will be tarnished by their own behavior.
I have a standard saying to my ex when he tries to put the blame on me: I did not cheat, I did not lie, I did not walk out. You made that choice, I just let you do those things.
It took a bit of time, but he has stopped doing the blame thing when it comes to me...he knows what the response is. it's that simple. It wasn't easy to step back from crying and getting hysterical every time he said those nasty things to me...but once I did, once I took the high ground, MY life got better! I am more able to handle what it throws at me, I am more open to new things and new people in my life. I am HAPPY TRULY Happy for the first time in many, many years.
For me, I don't speak to stbx or even email him anymore. My kids who see or speak to him don't tell me anything as they don't want to 'be in the middle' or 'hurt mom' with any news. So how will I ever know if he is unhappy, suffering, things are falling apart? I want a front row seat, like stated before, but i'll stand in the back of the balcony if need be for just for a glimpse of a messy ending for him and her! Ha! So much for the wonderful and exciting freedom that Disney mentioned motivated them to run inthe first place.
My kids are almost grown. The quiet years were upon us. Quiet drink on the patio. Trips with now 'home' worries. Now he is living with her family, two young adults from her first marriage and her 6 year old from her second husband. Stbx doesn't even like kids! He barely tolerated his own! And now, he will raise ANOTHER teenager?! If I could, I'd be laughing. I so need to laugh.