Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I have posted on several different support groups and cowgirlkathi sent me here. I was married to a man for 20 years that had an 8 year on again off again affair with his cousin's wife. I was faithful to him and actually he is the only man I have ever had sex with. Anyway, he told me that he had unprotected sex with her. What? What about our vows! I was a SAHM and was damn good to him and our two children. He hated me staying home with them and started to belittle and call me names. After a physically attack and him throwing me and my children out because "I never contributed" I divorced him. I lived with my elderly parents for 1 1/2 years and slept on the floor so my children could have beds. I am not going on 3 years divorced, working and am making it. He has dated several other women and it sickens me to think of all the women he had sex with. I have always believed in my body being a temple and I hope there will be a day I can forgive him and move on. How do I do that? There wasn't anything else I wanted in my life then to have a family like my parents who have been married for 58 years! I am lonely but adjusting. I don't know if I will ever find love again for even have sex but I at least know what I was in my marriage. Thanks for listening!
Forgiveness (or acceptance) takes a while. Ms. Terey makes a valid point when she says we have to move on, let go of the pain, etc. That's where I struggle and have always struggled in the forgiveness/acceptance battle--my anger over my ex cheating.
Perhaps if I could just have day where I could knock him in the head with a baseball bat, I might move toward forgiveness a little faster~lol. But as my counselor said, "You have to experience the pain, go through it, feel it, and then move past it." Kind of like what Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."
We must move through the process of grieving to finally get to acceptance. I hope we all get there someday. I compare carrying anger and past hurts to a ball and chain--the only one hurting from the ball and chain is the person attached to it and dragging it. Gotta cut it lose, but it does take time.
BTW, Dairytech--thanks for reposting that article--it is quite timely for me as I am dealing with another issue and prayed today about how to forgive.
I forgave because it took the weight off my shoulders. You can forgive for yourself.
To carry it around only hurts you, not him. He's off living and not even thinking about it.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Are you going to Divorce Care meetings? I will go to my 3rd this week. It helps. It's been 4 months for me on the 27th. I still cry. But I know I'll be o.k
And isn't Cowgirl just full of good advice? She is so solid/grounded. I want to be like that.
Before we can begin to forgive, we have to take a long hard look at our own behavior and motives during the marriage. None of us -- NONE OF US -- are without fault and we all did our part to contribute to the downfall of the relationship, either actively or passively. It's not always clear, but it's there. I found that in order to forgive others, I have to forgive MYSELF first. And when you stop trying to figure out what their motivation was (which is futile most of the time anyway, you are halfway there.
The "motive" to which you refer was MANUFACTURED by MsTerey's speculation. This is what began the firestorm that turned the discussion into an ugly lynch mob. And both YOU and MsTerey were the fuel that continued to feed the fire over a period of days!
I understand how raw your feelings are. I have been through unexpected and unwanted divorce, too, but I am also smart enough, strong enough and enlightened enough to know that what I do unto others is eventually going to come right back to roost on my front steps.
"Being upset" is absolutely NO EXCUSE for the language and venomous remarks you posted many times over many days in response to destinedtobe's post. A public apology for your dispicable behavior would go a long way in regaining some respect and continued support here.
My sentiments exactly, tobywinn.
Thank you!
Angel we are all suspose to be grown ups here and should act accordingly. By the same token if you didn't like what destined had to say you shouldn't have replied to it.
My sentiments exactly with tobywinn and CowgirlKathi.
Freedom of speech comes with a price -- that being the price of personal responsibility. If you exercise your right to free speech at the wrong time, in the wrong place or to the wrong person, you will pay for it in one way or another. You get mad at your boss and get mouthy, you just might get fired. You want to argue with the cop who just pulled you over for speeding -- you just might get arrested. THIS is the price we pay for Freedom of Speech. This is LIFE.
I find it ironic that here we are again -- not yet a full day after another discussion on hear sun to an all-time low -- under the heading of FORGIVENESS,. Here we are, trying to return some sense of peace and normalcy into an otherwise healthy exchange of ideas and information and we hear the undercurrent of rage in your written words! Honey, this isn't all about you, it's about ALL OF US coming together to heal and to grow!
We are ALL HERE TO HELP ONE ANOTHER, but until you get your anger under control, I'm afraid that anyone's well-meaning words are wasted. NO ONE ever expects YOU or anyone else to have to explain your position or justify your feelings, but we ALL must take responsibiiity for what we say and do -- not just here on DS, but in "real life."
Trust me, we have ALL dealt with the agony of rejection and the fear of the unknown, but the majority of us have done everything possible to work through it in a non-violent and emotionally healthy way. All that is being asked for here is RESTRAINT and MATURITY.
Now, here is a chance for you to shine -- not just you, but anyone and everyone who added to the maelstrom we witnessed over the last few days. A number of those folks have already offered both public and private apologies for words written in the heat of the moment. They have all taken responsibility for their actions. I know that two of them have gone a HUGE step further -- they have personally apologized to destinedtobe for their transgression and for their part in feeding the firestorm.
This is a major wakeup call, not just for you, but for anyone who has ever let fly without stoppng to THINK CAREFULLY about how their words will be interpreted.
I do not profess to be above reproach, but I have never EVER launched a personal attack, nor joined in when a pack of hyenas chose to level someone -- neither on a discussion post here or in "real life." Like Trisha, I have used a few 4-letter words, but never EVER to deliberately kick someone who was already in pain!
We ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE -- exactly as Trisha has said above. You can choose to sink down to someone else's level OR you can simply REFUSE TO RESPOND. That is exactly what I did over the last few days. I REFUSED to get sucked into the muck and the mire of it. I stood by, praying and waiting to see if common sense would prevail. When it did not, I wrote to the powers that be here on DS and respectfully requested that the discussion be deleted in its entirety.
This is a moment for FORGIVENESS -- for all those who added fuel to the fire to FORGIVE THEMSELVES for what they did and to ASK FOR FORGIVENESS from the one whom they offended. It takes a big person to do that and I commend those who have done so!
This is your moment, Angel. I pray that you will do the right thing.