Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I have posted on several different support groups and cowgirlkathi sent me here. I was married to a man for 20 years that had an 8 year on again off again affair with his cousin's wife. I was faithful to him and actually he is the only man I have ever had sex with. Anyway, he told me that he had unprotected sex with her. What? What about our vows! I was a SAHM and was damn good to him and our two children. He hated me staying home with them and started to belittle and call me names. After a physically attack and him throwing me and my children out because "I never contributed" I divorced him. I lived with my elderly parents for 1 1/2 years and slept on the floor so my children could have beds. I am not going on 3 years divorced, working and am making it. He has dated several other women and it sickens me to think of all the women he had sex with. I have always believed in my body being a temple and I hope there will be a day I can forgive him and move on. How do I do that? There wasn't anything else I wanted in my life then to have a family like my parents who have been married for 58 years! I am lonely but adjusting. I don't know if I will ever find love again for even have sex but I at least know what I was in my marriage. Thanks for listening!
In my journey of 18 Months of Hell, I learned that before I could forgive the X, I had to FORGIVE MYSELF. Forgive myself for trusting too much; for giving him the benefit of the doubt way too often; for not standing up for myself, and a litany of other things.
My therapist told me this: "Forgiveness is when you stop hoping for a better yesterday."
Think about it -- there is nothing we can do to change what has happened. What we CAN do is go forward. Yes, it's scary and it's not always fair. None of us wanted to end up divorced, and the majority of us here never even saw it coming. But it did and here we are.
Time, distance, a lot of therapy -- those are the things which will help you reach the point of forgiveness. But forgiveness is something that the offending person never has to know about because it's something you do for yourself.
Hang in there. Lots of good folks here to help you through this.
I'll share what I am coming to understand about my stbx in case it might be helpful to you. My stbx is very selfish and a liar. He doesn't have the capacity to be loving and be in a mutually beneficial relationship. He has to be adored and in control and dominant. So as far as forgiveness goes with mine, I believe he couldn't be expected to act any other way than how he has because of who and what he is.
Did you say 8 years with his cousins wife! What a creep. Better off without him don't you think?
You sound like a truly caring person and I wish you the best. I have found support groups so helpful in breaking the secrecy that creates isolation. It is sad but worth noting that many others have been in similar circumstances. When you look at them you see alot of goodness, you can see yourself in the same light.
The priority has to be YOU right now. Nothing to do with him is as important as taking stock of yourself. You are proud of the way you behaved in the marriage. Now what do you want going forward...
HUGS
For me it's been about no longer denying the truth of how abusive my marriage was.
It is also about me accepting that I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were abusive.
My ex should have been a better partner, but I should have taken better care of myself.
I am learning to accept that I am a good person, and I have a right to be treated respectfully.
Believe it or not, I didn't know these things. I believed that if I could find the "right thing" to say and do, the ex would treat me better.
Now I am starting to accept the fact that the ex is a Narcissist, and no matter what I did or said he would never be a loving or supportive partner.
I keep saying that I am just starting to accept these things because I know I still have to work on myself, but at least I am now on the right path and no longer denying the truth.
((hugs))
By accepting I can move forward with my life. Accept that things happened and not beat myself up because I trusted too much and overlooked things that didn't seem right.
Forgiveness of the ex can be achieved by letting God take it ....away from you wiping your slate clean, not having any need of personal revenge. If anything, dust your feet and press forward. It is the sign of your forgiveness or "acceptance". Thanks zouga for the terminology.
PS. Allow yourself to receive God's grace. He just may sent you a righteous person.
FORGIVENESS IS NOT...
Submitted by Armen Hareyan on Feb 8th, 2005
Is a grudge-laden heart sabotaging your success in business and in life? Much has been written over the ages about the value of forgiveness. And yet so many people continue to resist the idea of forgiving their transgressors. Why is this? I believe there are a couple of factors at play.
First, although people might want to forgive, they don't want the culprit to "get off scot-free." Let's examine this more closely. There are many misconceptions about forgiveness, so I would like to point out what forgiveness does not do (We shall refer to the transgressor as X).
- Forgiveness does not condone the actions of your perpetrator X.
By forgiving X, you are not saying that what X did was okay. You're just willing to quit stewing about it.
Chances are, it wasn't okay, but there's not much you can do to change history. It happened, it's over, get
over it. Don't let it ruin your peace of mind a moment longer.
- Forgiveness does not diminish the severity of the transgression.
By forgiving X, you are not saying that the harm he caused you was of no consequence. Indeed, you may still be dealing with the negative results of his actions. But by being willing to forgive X, you are allowing yourself to quit wasting precious energy on anger and put it to good use building yourself up instead. You survived the transgression. Now it's time for you to thrive.
- Forgiveness does Not absolve X of his guilt.
Even if you were willing to, you could not clear X's conscience for him. He will have to appeal to a higher celestial court for absolution. That is between X and his conscience; it is not your affair.
So you see, forgiveness does not let the other guy off the hook. It lets YOU off the hook. By refusing to forgive the other person, you are condemning yourself to being stuck. And this "being stuck" tends to infiltrate and poison every area of one's life. It's a bit like trying to drive your car with the brakes on.
Consider forgiveness as a gift you give to yourself.
Now let's look at another nearly opposite reaction. Some people are quick to claim blanket forgiveness for everyone and everything, without even knowing what it is they are pardoning. This is a fine gesture, but it is hardly effective because you cannot forgive a transgression which has never been acknowledged. You can't just leapfrog over all the buried pain and expect relief. You must first acknowledge the harm that was done.
The acknowledgement consists of:
- Admitting the harmful nature of what was done to you.
- Feeling the pain that you've struggled unconsciously for years to keep down.
- Expressing the anger that accompanies these realizations (by writing, exercising, beating a pillow, wailing, thrashing about, etc.).
- Mourning your loss. (Sadness, unlike depression, is a healing force and it will pass).
- Forgiving your transgressor.
- Experiencing a new vitality as you reclaim formerly disowned parts of your being.
IMPORTANT: You don't need to confront anyone or involve anyone else in this process. This is done in privacy and purely for your own release and relief.
Some people try to dismiss the need for this process by saying such things as, "Well, it doesn't matter now. That was so long ago." Or maybe, "Things were different back in the old country. None of that makes any difference anymore."
When dealing with profound harm sustained in the past, we need to be aware of the inconsequential nature of distance and time. In other words, a serious emotional injury sustained long ago and maybe even far away does NOT just wither away into nothingness if you ignore it.
The damage is very real and it has serious ongoing repercussions if it is not squarely faced and dealt with. People fear that acknowledging great harm done will unleash hateful and violent acts. Quite the contrary. It is these "unconscious grudges" that we carry in our hearts that result in cruelty. Often this escapes our conscious awareness.
It is also these unacknowledged wounds, waiting like frightened children at the "Lost and Found" that result in depression. It takes tremendous psychic energy to keep stuffing those strong, raw emotions down and keep them in check, especially when we're not even aware of exactly what it is we are hiding from.
I would like to stress once again, suppressed pain and stifled anger will not go away just because you ignore them. They will dissipate only in the face of acknowledgement.
By following the steps outlined above, you will naturally arrive at a place where you are ready to exercise forgiveness. You will have reached a place where you are sick and tired of wasting mental and psychic energy on nursing painful grudges.
You will no longer wish to tolerate any nasty pangs of resentment. It will become unacceptable to send your thoughts into a mental sewer just so that you can keep your offender in his place.
An act of pardon will evolve naturally as we honor our true feelings. This does not mean that we have to go and broadcast what we find to the world. It simply means that we ourselves have to be willing to look at and see the Truth.
As a parting note, let us strive to remember that forgiveness is not a self-righteous act of virtue or altruism. It is not cause for arrogance or fanfare or a holier-than-thou attitude.
The decision to forgive is supremely practical and self-affirming. Self-affirmation is what people need most. And only we can do this for ourselves.
I hope this helps all of us who are still working toward forgiveness.
I recomend you try and find a Divorce Care program in your area. There is life after divorce, why not take steps toward living now?
I am amazed that after a couple years of being divorced, some people are still all about what the ex did, is doing, or that he or she got what they had coming, that he lost all this or his friends, the other woman dumped him, our kids know who he really is, he looks horrible, I hope he is alone, I hope he is unhappy, I hope he realized this was a big mistake... all that energy into wishing someone harm is just that, wasted energy.
I never felt I had to forgive my ex. BUT maybe because although he was the one that wanted to divorce, and I in the end agreed. He was sorry that it came to divorce and said so. We both said it was a shame. I take some heat because we did not have infidelity in our marriage, but we had a lot of therapy I say. It didn't make it less painful, it probably eliminated the blame that so many people put on the other man or woman. We both had only each other to blame and figure out why we are divorcing. It took away a layer of anger I did not have.. because we had to tell each other it was both of us, and we had to own what went wrong. In any divorce, looking what you should own is essential.. my opinon. Some people believe they were perfect wife or husband.
None of us got married thinking it would end. Marriage is not who you are, it is part of your life. Comparing our selves to some standard that our parents have had is unrealistic, because we are divorced now. We are a different generation with different experiences. All we can do is the best we can in all of our situations. My ex was abusive and took it out on me, he also said I did not contribute etc. I sometimes think until you are out of the marriage you do not realize what you really did put up with.
Concentrate on you and getting back on your feet, your children and if you want to date work on that. AND at the risk of offending anyone, if you have not been tested for STD's do that, for all these cheaters having unprotected sex is horrible for the person who was faithful. You are doing well, and from someone who is happy, found love again, after almost 3 years of being divorced, it does happen whether you find forgiveness or not. I was happy alone, and I am happy with someone. This is now about you, not forgiving him. Best to you!
I do wish my ex happiness. Really, what is wrong with him being happy. He only has 1 life to live. Unfortunately, I don't think he is happy, but that is because he is battling alcoholism. But I do not wish him ill will. Am I still pissed at times...you bet. But I hope my ex doesn't kill himself with his addiction. And I hope he finds peace.