Duci, I designed the house we were living in when our marriage ended. Even though I had invested many hours in it's design and the building, then the decorating, I had been so unhappy there, I couldn't have stayed if you paid me. There were far too many unhappy memories. Some days, before I left, I had trouble returning to that house after being out. I would reach the foot of the 800metre driveway and dread going up there. Luckily, my ex has a 'thing' about houses he lives in. He struggles with leaving them, so there was no argument about who would get the house. I don't miss it. It takes 2 1/2 hours to mow the lawn on a ride-on!! He's still there 6 1/2 years later, so I guess he's happy there.

Some people like to get rid of all the old stuff. From what my kids have told me, it would seem that he changed all the furniture and the linen. He bought a new car in the middle of the divorce and settlement proceedings. That's how he cheated on one lot of values. I wondered why his old car was worth so much and he fobbed me off with some glib about interest on the loan went up. Silly me accepted that until I saw him swanning about in his new one, when the penny dropped too late! He had used current value instead of value at separation.

As for me, I find a certain comfort in the furniture I took with me. I spent a lot of time alone in that house with the furniture. My kids love to sit in the old lounge we bought in 1974 and have had recovered twice. They also love to sit down to my Aunty's big silky oak dining table. There's no way I'm getting rid of those things, but I have bought some new beds and other occasional furniture.

I've read that it's good to get rid of all reminders of the ex. Some get rid of them altogether. Some store special things in a box until they're ready to look at them again.

I'd spend some time asking yourself if you can live in the house. You'll just "know" if you pay attention to your gut instinct. If you do choose to stay and are unhappy, you can always sell later?

love and hugs
kamary

Since my kids are grown and moved on (and away), I didn't have a problem with starting over. They didn't want any of the old junk anyway. Cleaned out the clutter, kept very little and moved out and away too

My ex wife walked away too, we were together 24 years and in this house 15 years. My daughter is in her last year of high school. After she's done I'm looking into getting rid of the house I hate living here still there's too many memories I want to burn the contents and get out. I hate sleeping I'm the bed and using the same dresser and staring at the empty closets.

I stay on the farm and I will eventually sell it. I found the land while the ex was overseas. What few memories of the ex and my home are few and not good.

This was our dream for many years. I found this land and had the land cleared of trees, pastures fenced, run in sheds for the horses to have shelter. I found the mobile home. Electric to the house, two wells. I had my hands on everything that was done. I planted over a hundred azalea bushes and thirty Leyland cypress.

I'm also self employed. Part of my income is from the horses I care for. I couldn't do that without my home. The ex only lived on here for just over a year and he called in favors to leave our dream and get back overseas.

This farm was tied up in the divorce and would be sold. I knew if I waited I could keep my home. Finally the ex screwed up enough that he had to deed the farm to me. It is now mine and I love this land, the horses on here and the peaceful life I have.

I would not have minded staying because I had wonderful neighbors and I hate moving, but I could not afford living there on my salary. At the time I was making about $13 per hour. It was a huge place on an acre with an in-ground pool. Utilities and taxes were high and the commute to work burned up a lot of gas. I moved closer to work and it also put the kids into the district for the community college. They were excited to move and I involved them in choosing the house. I've not regretted it once.

Kamary - you kill me with your Aussie colloquialisms! I like to wax on eloquently (as my friends like to point out), but I've got nothing on you. "he fobbed me off with some glib about interest on the loan went up, saw him swanning about in his new one, when the penny dropped too late" I'm laying an egg here each time I re-read it! ;) Thanks for making me laugh - even if it was unintentional.
The thing with the house... I honestly don't know how I feel about it. Inertia is a powerful force with me. A favorite saying around here is that "things don't move too quickly at the "Duci" household. Having said that, I'm not really attached to the "stuff" in the house, even though there are very few things that are mine and few things that are hers. After 24 years, most of it is "our" stuff. And honestly - it's just "stuff". It can be replaced.
I'm more concerned about mental aspect of it. Walking these halls and NOT seeing her. Expecting her to walk through the door at the usual times. Reliving 15 years of memories...
But I do seem to have a deep connection with the past at times. I still drive by the house we lived in when we got married. (before this mess happened). I drive by the house I grew up in. Cruise the old neighborhoods on occasion (usually on the motorcycle - needing a destination to head to). But those are mostly good memories - and to a large degree, so is this place.
The other thing I need to do is run the numbers and see if it really makes sense for me. I'm not going to keep it and be house poor either. Maybe if my head stop spinning long enough, it will come to me.

All through the 18 Months of Hell, I told my attorney that I wanted to KEEP THE FARM no matter what. That's why reaching an out of court financial settlement was imperative. Had we not done that (and believe me, the now-X only caved at the 11th hour before trial) the farm would have been sold and the proceeds split.

After having the rug pulled out from under me when he ran away (August 2005) and living there by myself for the next 18 months, I knew that if I had to leave that place (and sell my horses) I would have lost my mind.

As for the "ghosts" -- there really weren't any. In the almost 20 years that we had lived there together, the place bore MY signature and very little evidence that he was ever there! When the divorce from Hell was finally final (early March 2007) I felt such a sense of RELIEF it was like coming back from a week in Barbados.

But after 5 more years, I was growing weary of all the work, constant upkeep and always worrying about what was going to wear out or break next. I put it up for sale in late 2011 and got a firm contract in January 2013. Closed on the sale in mid-April 2013 and moved 1,100 miles away to get out of my comfort zone and escape the mid-Atlantic winters.

My advice to you is NOT to do anything too quickly. If she doesn't want the house and you can afford to keep it on your own, take your time. Moving can be a very traumatic experience. I would say give yourself a year and then look at your options.

Big hugs to you.

Duci, If you have the option of staying there for awhile, I think that's a good idea. Take your time and think it out completely. The acreage and farmhouse I live in was given to me from my mother, when my father passed away, and I'm hoping that my stbx-H will not give me a hard time about selling it and asking for half the profit. My mother deeded it over to both he and myself, so his name is on the deed.

Because of memories with my mother and father and siblings, plus raising my children here the last 13 years, I hope and pray I can find a way of refinancing it and getting the ex's name removed from its ownership. But having said that, I wouldn't be opposed to moving and downsizing. This house and acreage is a tremendous amount of maintenance and monthly expense.

I'm going to wait for a few months to a year to figure out which way to go. If I stay in the house, I'm definitely redecorating the bedroom. It's rather masculine with its rustic ranch style and log walls. But I love western ranch style, so I'll mainly just add some ruffles and girly stuff here and there... make it MY room.

Things have a way of working out, and I know being patient has its benefits. I used to be impulsive with my decisions, but since I'm old now, I've learned to take my time and really think things out... to think with my head not just my heart. Best of luck to you. :)

LOL glad you haven't forgotten how to laugh, Duci. Take it easy, mate. Give yourself the grace of time. As the others have said, it all works out the way it was meant to and it always takes time.

One of the things my solicitor stressed was that I shouldn't make big decisions for a while. It was my choice to leave my beautiful home, and I moved into a small rental for three years before I even considered buying my own.

love and hugs
kamary

I stayed in our family home alone from the time my ex left until the divorce was granted which was three years. We had lived there for about 8 years at the time of our separation. The kids were grown and not living in the area anymore. I enjoyed the familiarity and comfort of the home, but it also got lonely at times. It became a house, not a home anymore. I debated long and hard as the divorce settlement came near whether I should keep the house and give up something financially in another area to compensate, or sell the house as part of the settlement. I decided that as a single middle age woman with no family nearby to help that I did not want to be responsible for long-term upkeep and maintenance of the house. Also, the mortgage was high as were the property taxes. I suppose I could have refinanced, but I decided I wanted a fresh start. Not knowing how much longer I will stay in this area, I decided to rent. I found a lovely condo that I love. It took awhile to get used to, but I am very happy and content here now. I don't miss my old house at all...except for the hot tub :) For me, it was the best decision. I agree with the others, though. Give it some time until you are sure. There's no rush.

Lugubhhh,
Your question about the house.. ..right up my Ally.
Keep the house for now. .....unless you can't aford it, to nany memories,
Or Yves x lesion to be careful Sangero much in return.
Everyone has different feelings when it comes to this subject.
So it really depends on you.. ...how you feel, but I will tell you this. ....
.....eight years later here for me since she left and I lost my house to
Foreclosure just last year.. ..or the end of 2013.
She left the house about a year after she ran off. The court
Said that it would be sold and split what ever equity there was.
Well it never sold.. ..it needed some work done. (.I plan on working on the house when I retired. She never have me a chance).... at first we were both paying half of the mortgage. Then she stiles. I continued to pay as long as I could then I had to make a choice to have money to live or keep the house.
A bad choice.. .....I stop paying....now. ..my finances have change and
I wouldn't have a problem paying.. .to late! !!!!.
Anyway. ...bla. bla. Bla. . Now ...I miss my house more then my x
I live in a rented townhouse.. ..nice but nothing compared to my
Old. ....one acre. ...oak trees.. ..three car garage. ..beautiful house
........that I once.. .........had. ......life goes on.. ..
Take your time.. .don't let your emotions interfere with your desision. .
Good luck to you my friend.. ....
Timeman
Ps. I really miss my hot tub too.
Like I said: life goes on. ...

Thanks to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts and experiences. While the thought of a fresh start and ridding myself of all of the memories and things that remind me of her, I know that thinking is short-sighted and not very realistic (There will always be SOMETHING to remind me of her), and to be honest, for better or worse, she is a part of me, and always will be. I believe it's better to deal with that, than to try to forget her. There really is no "starting a new life", only new chapters to the same book. I can't wipe out the past. So for now, I am planning to stay here and deal with the emotions as they come. I also have the dog to take care of, and this whole situation has been very stressful on her.
As a side note, the dog was diagnosed in Aug of 2013 with a tumor in her abdomen and given 3-5 months to live, and also developed diabetes along the way. (We had to put her sibling down in Feb of 2013 due to a cancerous tumor - 10 days from when we found out) Anyway, she's still fighting and if you didn't know about the tumor or diabetes, you'd think she's just an old dog (she's an 11 yr old Malamute). She still wants to sleep outside all night (the past 2 nights it's been in the teens below zero, plus the wind), but she won't come in until she's ready...
The point to this whole long-winded sidebar is that if she can battle through all of the crap she's had to deal with, maybe I can take a page from her book.
Sorry for getting off topic, just one of things when the words start flowing, sometimes it's hard to stop.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Keeping the house is the right decision for me at this point. There is some work that needs to be done (always is owning a house), so that will keep me busy and focused. It will also give me time to purge all of the crap that's been accumulating for 15 years here. Maybe then it will make sense to sell. Or not...

Having familiar neighbors is kind of nice if you stay in touch with them. I like my house but don't like the work that is involved all by myself. If I didn't have adult kids still living with me, I'd be into a smaller place. But the best advice (which has already been said), is to wait and take your time with such a big decision. I haven't been too haunted by memories in the house. Other places sometimes more so - oddly enough - grocery shopping, driving by our boat dock...

I filed for divorce in early June, we sold the house in November/December, and I moved into a condo just before Christmas of this year.

If you look for my "Dream House" thread, you'll see lots of good advice and my hand-wringing.

Long story short, the mortgage would be too high (after buying out his equity) and I realized that I do not want housemates for a while.

I am now in a new neighborhood in the same town, and I'm already seeing the great benefits of a more central location and a space of my own. No ghosts here, unless I open some of the boxes. I kept a lot of the furniture and kitchen stuff, but am resolved to treat them as if they are brand new and mine - not ours. It was too stressful to completely start over, but I expect I'll eventually swap out the stuff with what I see more aligned with who I am instead of who we were.

I ran away from the ex's house like it was on fire. I signed a quick claim deed to get my name off of it, bought new stuff and got rid of most everything he ever gave me. I figured it would be easier to heal without the ghosts. I loved that house but practically speaking, it was 60 miles away from where I worked so I had a minimum of 2 hours of traveling everyday if there were no traffic jams.(I'm only 12 miles away now) Going down to one income meant I wasn't going to have the money to fix things and I'm not exactly a handy woman so all of that made it an easy decision for me to leave.

If you're comfortable there but you're afraid of being haunted by it, then try to redecorate as much as possible; really change things up. Purge anything your ex had there and buy new furniture little by little. Start with the mattress!

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