Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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disneymom65 07/30/2011

We have all heard these words over and over again either by our Therapist, Counslers, are DS friends or for some of us our very own FairyGodmother. But when is the moment that you realize that you have "MOVED ON". Is it when you can stop the tears from coming everyday? Is it when you take a vacation or change a tire without giving him a thought? Maybe it's when you can actually listen to any Barry Manilow song without becoming a COMPLETE BLUBBERING IDIOT. I love Barry but geez GIVE US A BREAK BARRY DID YOU EVER HAVE ANY HAPPY MEMORIES YOU COULD HAVE WROTE SONGS ABOUT? Is it when you no longer want to shove an ice pick through his ear drum just to see if bullshit comes out???? Is it when you NO LONGER have the need to call him just to hear his voice? Maybe it's when his OPINION REALLY DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE AT ALL. When you no longer need is approval or just want him to JUSTIFY YOUR MERE PRESENCE because you JUSTIFY yourself.

So when is it? How do you know? For some I hear it's an AHH HAA MOMENT that just hits all of a sudden a BREAK THROUGH OF SORTS that from that moment on they know they have turned a corner and LIFE as they have known it is DONE. Then they just start living this great new life with a great new attitude. For others it's something that sneaks up slowly over time. Then one day they just realize no more fighting, no more stress, no more tears or fears they are just living. It's wanting to be able to spot the signs of moving on that I am looking for. I think i'm doing ok but have to be honest everytime my phone rings or I get a text message for just a split second my stomache drops before I check to see who it is. Even if I won't respond I feel funny when I see it's him because that means he's thinking of me. I know he usually makes up excuses to call me just to keep me in grasp but something as simple as a " Hi Honey whatcha doing"? Can reset the tone of my day or night. I KNOW NO CONTACT NO CONTACT!!!!! So does this mean i'm not as "MOVED ON" as I thought I was?
I just want to know what "MOVING ON" actually means and how will I know when I get there? Anyone else ever wonder this??????

yorkieluvr 07/30/2011

Yes.. I wonder about it all the time. And it's probably different for everyone. I keep thinking that once the divorce is final, that's when the alarm will go off and I can "move on". Then again, maybe that will be my "getting out of limbo" moment rather than "moving on". I think for me, it will be a gradual thing, then finally when I'm there I will look back and see my journey of how I got there. I know there will be some detours along the way, but I'm hoping the road won't have too many potholes..lol

trisha9054 07/31/2011

Mine was when someone called and asked for John. I didn't say John isn't here. I didn't tell them where John was. I just said John doesn't live here any more and hung up the phone.

That was my light bulb moment. I went thru my divorce with no friends that knew us, no support from any family. Just me and my animals. He had been working overseas for some time so for him to be gone wasn't unusual. Even after the divorce I still lived the same life. I lived like he was still overseas working because that was the only life I knew. So that phone call was the moment when it all became real and I could easily say John doesn't live here anymore and be happy about it.

That moment is different for everyone. Whether it's like the phone call I got or the vacation disneymom has planned. Some time it takes a while for that lightbulb moment to happen. I think it can also start when the stomach doesn't drop when the phone rings. The beginning can be when he calls, texts or writes and you feel nothing.

CowgirlKathi 07/31/2011

This is an interesting question, Diz, and one that probably has many possible answers!

For me, "Moving On" came in stages and it was very transient at first. I agree with Yorkie, that once you get out of LIMBO, it's a lot easier, but as Trisha said, depending on what your relationship was like when he was still living in your house, it can begin the minute you show them the door!

I'm not sure there is any "big flash and thunder moment" when it happens, because it is a process, BUT when you get to the point where you ACCEPT that the marriage is OVER, that's the start. Then, as you reinforce what you already know (that the relationship wasn't a healthy one), it becomes more so.

As time goes on, the whole thing will take up less space in your head. You will plan your days without any backward thinking (i.e., memories of things the two of you used to do) and at the end of a good day, you will feel satisfied and good about yourself -- all by yourself.

Like forgiveness, "moving on" can't be rushed and it's different for everyone. Be gentle with yourself, my dear. It'll shine when it shines!

KRKing911 07/31/2011

I want it to shine right now, but I know that's not going to happen. I think the trick is how to avoid getting stuck. I don't want to get stuck. Since you don't know how or when your moving on moment happens - how do you know your not stuck? Ugggh... a circle that never seems to end. I hope your Ahhh moment comes TODAY!!!! I also hope you never get stuck!

CowgirlKathi 07/31/2011

KRKing911:
You are definitely NOT stuck! and neither is Disneymom. It (moving on) just comes gradually -- it's not like a big flash and thunder moment. Be patient! And be gentle with yourself!

MsTerey 07/31/2011

It does take time, but it also takes work if you are constantly thinking or rehashing everything. It also I believe, takes that final divorce decree signed and done does help many, but not all in seeing an "end". Not that you can't be working on letting go, or as "moving on" in the process. Moving on for me meant that I one day was so happy with myself and my life I truly wished that my ex was finally happy also. I really do. It is the self awareness moment when you realize you are fine, and most of all, happy with where you are, right now. It takes no contact, which for me, I have never had any since I divorced, that is a huge advantage some can't have.

Moving on can mean, letting go of the marriage, the past and looking to the future with joy. It means for me, that you are at peace with yourself and embrace being divorced. You have to come to it in your own time, and it is very personal. No one can tell you when that is. Some never get to that point, they let the anger and bitterness ruin their lives, and years later are still stuck, and that is a shame! I often hear it in terms of you should move on and find someone else... finding someone else is not the answer either. It takes work, self awareness, and finding your own happy and independence...a new person is not going to be a replacement, it should be an enchancement in your life. Hang in there, this is process, a marathon! HUGS

dairytech 07/31/2011

For me...my moving on moments came in stages. The first one happened with a bang. It was after the divorce and I was still living in the same house as my ex. He was sitting down with his elbows on his knees and he looked up at me with a smug look and he said...I could have you back in a second if I wanted to...as he snapped his fingers. It was at that moment I realized it had to be over for me. Thats not to say I havnt had a hard time accepting it because I did. Since then its been one step at a time. I sometimes dont realize until I look back that I have moved on more. For me it seems with each...moved on moment...I go through an emotional struggle first. Its like the storm before the calm...peace with where I'm at.

Like everything else...we have our own individual process that is different yet the same. The one thing that has been so helpful to me during this 2nd divorce that I didnt have during the 1st one is this site. We are so lucky to have each other to help us through the crap especially when we cant see the forest because of the tree's. When we are emotionally involved we sometimes dont have the clarity we would when helping someone else. I think thats whats so important about being here for others...in helping others you actually help yourself.

I think once you get a bit farther down the recovery road.. you can look back on your progress and you will see your own moving on moments. Hang in there disney...know you are where you are supposed to be and doing what you are meant to be doing...you are on track. Big Hugs...Kathy

deleted_user 07/31/2011

I like this part, Disney:

"When you no longer need is approval or just want him to JUSTIFY YOUR MERE PRESENCE because you JUSTIFY yourself."

I am so glad you can go to DisneyWorld, btw!

KRKing, I am with you - I wish so much that I could hurry up the moving on thing. Why would anyone not want an end to all this pain? But I have no choice but to be patient, know that it will be better and it's better to feel the pain than to avoid it.

disneymom65 07/31/2011

THANKS EVERYONE I know that all of us heal and " move on " in our time and in our own way. Our journey belongs only to us. We can share and grow with the guidence of others but ultimatley it's soley up to US ALONE. I heard a song today that said " What if your blessings came through RAINDROPS and your healing comes through TEARS" It doesn't matter I think HOW we get there just that we GET THERE IN ITSELF IS THE MIRACLE. So if my healing will come through TEARS then so be it in the end I WILL BE HEALED......

VectorForward 07/31/2011

Disney, I think you are moving at a blistering pace! Love your positive attitude and sense of humor! You and KRKing are moving right along. I can tell from your journal entries. And you're processing everything too and not taking any shortcuts by denying or suppressing your grief. Personally, I think you're an inspiration!

lycesq 07/31/2011

For me, moving on was when my ex started fighting with my son again. I left his ass and haven't looked back. The divorce is now final and my son and I now have a great life!

Lynne

tobywinn 08/01/2011

I had detested that phrase with a purple passion and still do! It was just as bad as hearing "get on with your life". My face would puff up, ready to rage, and bite my tongue before I would insult some poor person thinking such advise was meaningful. Ha! I say! How about "starting over again"....anything but those words !!! Thank Goodness, I've passed through that phase. I perfer having found PEACE.

hurtinandhealin2560 08/02/2011

I think moving on comes in stages: all those first steps of the divorce process, learning to live on your own and loving it, seeing that you were in an unhealthy relationship, learning to conquer loneliness, getting over anger, and the list goes on.

There's no 'one size fits all' theory here. Everyone moves on at his own pace.

deleted_user 08/04/2011

For me it seems as if it was taking two steps forward and one step back most days. Slowly though I realized how much ground I covered. Now, I don't think I am even in the same county as my ex. Pretty soon I will have walked all the way out-state! I was "moving on" from the moment he told me he was leaving.

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