I could have written your words.

Your daughter is with her dad she IS craving his attention, she probably knows that he doesn't like you that much. So she can't treat you with 100% respect because she is trying to show him that she loves him

Its such a backwards thing to do, but my daughter is the same.

I always ask who does she go to in a crisis, who does she turn to for advise. Its me, me all the time

The few times she's been with her dad, she has to show somehow that he is important

She also knows that even if she is rude or dismissive she isn't losing your love. You love her no matter what

Can I surmise that she is afraid her dad will not do the same.

Your daughter wants her father to love her. She is afraid of losing his love or not sure he loves her. She already knows you love her unconditionally. She feels that by taking his side when she is around both of you she is proving to him she is worth loving.
Try to let it go. She is secure enough knowing you love her that you don't want to or need to get upset by her behavior. It will pass.

Here's another child lost. Pychoanalysizing why a child do what she does might indeed give you insight of understanding. But it places little burden on her to do the "DO". If anything matters, the rules of being cordial to another human being , especially to another parent, is number one on the plate. I don't care if daddy is King Mob Edward in jail, or momma washing other people's floors, YOU MINE YOUR MATTERS.

My stepdaughter did/does the same thing to my husband. I agree with tobywinn. Psychoanalyzing doesn't matter. The fact is, she should not be rude to another human being, including you. My husband has started confronting his daughter and it has been hard but there was fear on his part that he would drive her away. I explained to him that she never would because he is the one she can count on. As he has stood up and said, "I don't deserve your disrespect" she has done some major changing. Slowly. Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us.

she craves the love her father can't/won't give her
you will always "lose" to that
you will "lose" if you tell her the score of what you do for her that he does not
on a below the surface level...to her that is pointing the obvious and rubbing salt in her wounds

just keep being who you are to her
and be careful about how you express your boundaries regarding acceptable behavior
as there is no logic when one parent is a turd --- (very much boogers up a kid...forever)

Sounds to me like the others understand her behavior very well, but I bet that doesn't change how much it must hurt to go through this. I'm sorry.

Are you able to talk to your daughter about this? Perhaps sharing, in a quiet, non-judgmental way, keeping it about how you feel, may help her look and see what she's doing without getting defensive. Try to keep it about specific actions causing the hurt and sadness you feel, being dismissed or ignored, or whatever. I also don't think it's out of order to ask she be polite with you. That's something we all need to practice, whether it's just us, or with others.

Another way to look at this is it's all about her and him, not about you. If she is normally respectful and loving, it's a sad little show for him. I wouldn't talk to her about that, there's little to be gained and it's a sure fire way to put her on the defense or even attack, but just recognizing, detaching and realizing it may help you feel better about things.

I hope you and your daughter's relationship continues in love and respect through the years. She's lucky to have you, and probably knows this very well. I know, I know, would it kill her to say it now and then??!!! LOL

I could have also written your words. My ex and daughter fought all of the time, I too was the peacemaker and the one she always turned too during those times. Fast forward a few years and my unwanted second divorce, they are extremely close and doing home projects at my home (the home I bought during my second marriage, long story there) they are like two peas in a pod. While I'm grateful for his support and help during this time, I'm surprised by their relationship but as I step back and watch them interact it has actually brought me comfort because I know she is happy with him helping and it has taken lots of stress off me while I figure out the rest of my life, I know she will be ok and is able to move on in her life while I move on with mine. My only real concern is that she acts just time him at times and I want to tell her, knock that off, you don't want to act like that. He is a moody thing, as is she , but I know she can hold her own and is going to be ok. I know he'll eventually tick her off and I will be here ready to listen and support her in whatever she needs.

I was always super close to my dad, taking his side over my moms at times but in the end I had a great relationship with both. Just continue being the great mom that you are, she is secure in your love and knows you'll always be there for her no matter what. As they get older, they tend to mellow out and will be able to have a respectful relationship with both parents.

I reckon all kids want to know that both parents love them. If your ex has been largely absent during her childhood and after the divorce, she may be looking for that love she missed and isn't sure of.

My ex was a largely absent father. I felt like a single mum, he was so not there. When we divorced, he told the kids lies about things I'd said about him and managed to upset them enough that both of my girls cut me off. I found out about "love and compassion" and that's what I did. I loved them anyway and I had compassion for them because they didn't know they were being manipulated. They're both reconciled now, and my son never cut me off in the first place (he was the youngest and saw much of what my ex dished out in the later years).

What worked for me was acceptance of what was happening, and just being myself as I always was. Keep on doing what you've always done, and don't be defensive or retaliate. Love her anyway. Give her gifts and love her as usual. She will get past this stage. He will show her who he is and she will need you then. Never badmouth him. My daughters both tell me that he is now doing to them what he used to do to me. I still don't badmouth him. I support them by listening and empathising and offering ways to deal with things on a personal level.

And pray. I prayed a lot. In fact, my eldest did not reconcile until I prayed to God to take care of her because I had decided to give up on her after almost 5 years. No one knew but me and Him. She called me a fortnight later:)

I think we have that respectful relationship with both parents now - after 8 years. Be patient with your daughter. She's young. She's still growing up. Love her through it.

love and hugs
kamary

OMG I have this also. My ex was never involved in the kids lives until he left. Now hes superdad for no other reason then he gives her what she wants. They formed an alliance of "us against mom".
Yet mom is the one who always takes care of her needs and wants.

One of the counselors (and my oldest daughter also voiced this) said that the kids tend to do this with the alienating parent, the absentee parent, the difficult parent, the leaving parent etc. because they are deeply afraid of the parent doing the same negative behavior to them. They cling and placate to stay in good graces with the unstable parent. They know them and they know their patterns and it is essentially a coping mechanism.

Sigh....I can only hope that some day the kids grow up to see the forest for the trees and form a mature opinion of what really happened.

We just have to continue to love our children. It's what we do.

When I left my first husband, both children did not want to have anything to do with me. They were in their
late teens. They felt that when he stopped drinking that I should support him, they could not see that was
not his only problem, He cheated on me and hid it well from the children. However in time they came to
see why I could not stay with him. He did do a lot of things to try and keep them on his side. In the end I felt
like they finally saw him for the jerk he really was. They still loved him but could see his faults. and came
to respect me for going on my own. It did not happen over night, and I never said anything bad about him
I knew they would find out for themselves.

There was a lot of hurt but I tried to raise above it.

Time and a lot of praying helped

My daughters probably prefer their father because he has "no feelings" as my DD30 put it once. I, on the other hand voice mine and they don't always like it, but it was because of their favoritism towards him that caused much of my unhappiness..staying only at HIS house and giving him EVERY holiday day. My daughters did distance themselves a bit from their father at first, but, since he was the one with the money, buying their airfare home, etc, they couldn't really. He had the money and the family and I couldn't compete with any of it. I did learn, however, that I do know more about my daughters than their father does which pleases me and the fact that DD28 and her SO came to MY house at Christmas and "no-showed" her father...well, I can't help it. It made me smile. :)

Oh you wise friends - everything you say makes so much sense. Of course when her dad is around for an hour or so, she wants the time to be nice and not fraught with tension, but she does know she can rely on my to be around for longer, and even if she snaps at me, it will all be fine later and I will be around later too, since when she's home from college she lives with me.

I wondered for a second if she blamed herself for the father/daughter fighting possibly contributing to the divorce, but teens are probably too self-centered to consider that.

At any rate, the day after I posted this she texted me out of the blue saying "I appreciate everything you do mom". Those are the things that keep me going! thanks - as you all said, I'm just going to keep on loving her and how she acts with her dad is completely up to her.

Teens ARE self-centered and therefore their worldview is colored by that "center of the universe" perspective. That's exactly why she could think she caused the friction or made it worse. My son did, even though we both told him it was about our, his father's and my, issues, not about him. Even at 19, 20 years of age, he wondered about that. I don't think any children don't consider that at some point in their lives. Just keep loving her, telling her it was about you and her father, that she's loved by both of you. You're doing great!

It seems to me that our children typically have a "blindspot" to the pain caused by their parent (the one that abandons) .... it is NO excuse for disrespect! I am struggling with this with my 19 yr old son. I simply tell him I will not tolerate his attitude toward me. He is of an age that I have chosen to have some very specific conversations about his behavior and some of the "gaps" in the information he is given by his father and new wife..... but this is very painful process!!! UGH I am very careful not to say anything bad about his father or father's wife..... as my children grow up I want them to be able to make a decision about behavior and how to treat those in your life!!! Crazy times we live in!!!!