Yuck. You may want to drop your ex an email telling her to password protect her phone as the pre teen daughters can read her disgusting texts. Sorry you're going through this crap, seems like any news we receive about our exes spiral us a bit. I'm thankful our daughter is 18 now so I really don't talk to my ex anymore but my daughter will tell me stuff in conversation and it's hard. You want to hear but know it's probably better not to, but your kids are younger so you have a right to protect them from her ridiculous behavior.
According to my daughter my ex doesn't go anywhere without her weed and pipe, she's
47 lol and hasn't worked in a year. Not the person I remember but there's nothing I can do about her twisted decisions. I'm just happy my daughter still lives with me.
Take care.

Your ex's character may indeed NOT be the model to be mentored if that is your concern for your girls. So, you may want to be proactive as reasonably possible in preventing negative social/family influences by getting the girls into mentoring programs. Your therapist may be able to give references.

" Breaking the Chain of Negative Family Influences " by Roberta L. I. Magarrell and Dean E. Barley http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2005/Summer/breaking...

Since this can be so damaging to young girls, I would address the situation directly, without judging her out loud, just asking her to protect her girls from the texts and such. She may not even be aware the girls are looking at her phone. I want to believe this isn't deliberate, but I would also make sure this information is going to your lawyer for documentation.
I agree with Toby....get the girls into things where they have positive female role models too. I believe we learn from everyone in our lives when we're young, and putting them together with healthy mentors will help them discern whether they are learning what to do or what NOT to do from their mother.
Wishing the best for your girls and you.

Toby, thank you once I get out of work I can sit and read more.
but will also talk to my therapist,, he's back next week. my 11 year old is in nothing. has no desire to do anything, I have tried everything, while the 12 year old, plays, hockey and soccer.
I'm going to try girl scouts. the few friends she does have play sports but she doesn't want to, she's not very athletic at all.
MNMama, that's what I'm worried about, I don't want them to think this is how it is, I don't think she's leaving it out in the plain open, my girls are very curious and like to snoop, they do it on my phone also.
I wish I could talk to her and just say, there snooping don't leave it out and hang up. but it would break the restraining order, at this point I really don't care about the restraining order, I can deal with it...
I just don't want to get the kids in trouble for telling me what they seen, she would throw it right in there face that I know for a fact...
I have them this weekend, I'm going to talk to them and ask them to please leave her things alone if you need a phone to use the house phone. or the family computer not her lap top.

Oh Crushed, I feel for you.
When my girls were that age, my ex used to leave porno movies (hard hard core porno) IN the tape deck ready to play. I always tried to go around the house and remove them but he was always 1 step ahead. He would leave them at eye level in the family room or spare bedroom.
It was horrible.
Talk to your therapist

too bad we live in the world we do, that POS creature should not have any custody whatsoever

find out all you can about children & youth services before you go that route, the PC world advocates for all but the innocent... the children

take this up with the courts, they are too young to be subjected to porn, and that what it is.

Your ex would only take anything you tell her about the girls snooping right back to them. Don't you dare break that restraining order. I like your idea of talking to your girls about snooping and they did invade your ex's privacy. Your girls are old enough to know that snooping is wrong and you should tactfully call them on that. Granted your ex should take better care of her phone and have it password protected. She should know better than what she is doing and leaving on her phone for anyone to find.

hi all,
I talked with my 11 year old on the phone, asked her if she was ok with me telling mom that she should keep her phone away from you girls, she said no dad if she finds out I know i'll be in trouble..
I said ok, but please don't touch her phone again, or the lap top..
we talked about joining the girl scouts, etc. we will talk more this weekend.
these two little girls are my world, my other two are older, i'm more concerned about these two.

I think you handled this well crushed. Its really hard to sit back and watch our ex's behave in ways we are not used to seeing. I do believe its part of who they are...we just never saw that part. I remember thinking my ex had become a completely different guy...aliens snatched his body...but it was him...just not the him I was used to seeing. And then there is the kids...watching them go through all the upheaval divorce brings...its sad and unfair...and it hurts our hearts to have to watch...aarrgg...you can only do your best crushed and your doing a good job...Big hugs...Kathy

I like the way you handled it, too. It was a tricky one. I had no idea which way you should jump and was concerned that the order wasn't broken, making things even worse for you. I think your girls are very lucky to have a dad like you.

love and hugs
kamary

Fortunately co-parenting is not a shit sandwich I had to eat since my kids were adults when we split. I thank God nightly for that!

Sorry Crushed-co parenting with someone like that is a giant shit sandwich and unfortunately there is little that can be done. I would seek counseling for your girls if you can afford it. I suppose you should also be documenting some of this stuff for legal reasons. I'm not sure how feasible it is to document but do it anyway because you never know.

Like it was said before: do not dare break that restraining order for any reason! Get those girls into counseling if you can. It sounds like their mom isn't doing much for their psychological well being. They probably need an outlet to get rid of these feelings but they also probably don't want to burden you with it.

Sending support your way.
ilostitinthedivorce.com

Crushed, you are doing really well and showed good parenting by talking to your girls. THat said, they are children and....let's face it, children don't always do what we parents advise them to do, nor do they often do what they even KNOW is best for them.

What to do then? Asking your child what she thinks about you being proactive and talking to mom, well, that shows love and caring definitely. But you are the parent. You are the adult. Respecting her feelings, and not wanting to see her 'suffer' for sharing with you, that's important. But is it THE most important factor here?

In my opinion, protecting your children is your job. Period. I say that you speak with your stbx, or write her an email to layout the situation. I feel strongly that you need to address this issue parent to parent. That's the hard part of co-parenting in a messy divorce. I get that. And I do NOT get it from first hand knowledge. My youngest was 17 when my marriage ended. He was hurt. He had his issues Still does, at 21 actually!

I don't believe in working 'around' hard things/issues. Nor that kids should affect our decision making to their own detriment because it's the hard thing to do. No one wants to hurt their kids or put them in a difficult position. But sometimes....it's a chance we take because an action is in their best interest. At least we think and pray that it is!

Your ex (stbx?) needs to know that the girls are watching her. Sorry, I don't know your whole history, why a restraining order etc. and hoping that you are in fact able to either speak or write to her. If you can legally have your girls, then I'm thinking you are in your rights to act in their best interests. Good luck to you all!

thanks for the strong words.
had my girls all weekend, got them up ready for school, drove them in,
I try so hard to be strong, sometimes it gets the best of me, i'm sure a couple times they could see it in my eyes that i'm hurting..i;ll drift off, then catch myself..
never ever thought in a million years i'd be where I am emotionally..
I see my therapist this week, which will/should be good, been three weeks due to his vacation, but I don't know how much that is going to help, i'll stick with it to see, but I feel myself slipping in deeper depression...
I need to do something, I mean every two weeks it seems like it's something else, i'm getting tired.....