I saw a post on Facebook once that said....Trust is like a mirror If you break it you can put it back together but it will always have cracks. As someone that has tried to get back together with a cheating ex, I can say that this sums it up pretty good.

These thoughts come to me sometimes, too. Then I remind myself of what our marriage was truly like and I know it isn't possible. I know exactly who he is now, and it's just not possible. It makes me sad, too.

love and hugs
kamary

I had those thoughts too, but with time, I realized that it could never be. It makes me sad too. I will never put myself in that situation. He still blames me for everything. Hugs to all

I think about that too sometimes - but like Kamary says - I then remember what it was truly like. Sure there was lots of love, which I was putting out, but most of it was one sided. I just didn't see it. It's too bad that he wasn't happy because I was a good wife and mother. Just not good enough.

Lots of people have tried reconciliation and in most cases it doesn't work. There's too much hurt and as the others say - once the trust is broken, that's it. You just can't get it back. It's not impossible, but highly unlikely.

Feel the sadness, and when people say things like that, try not to get that "hope" a flowing... Something better is headed your way - you'll see.

I just read an article that talks about when friends say that. And you're right, they mean that you were good together at a certain time. But only you know the ins and outs of your marriage. Would it be worth going back? Is there even any chance of that? The article mentioned that it's best you deal with the "now" of it. If you haven't been talking about getting back together, then they're just reminiscing. You can't let their reminiscing give you false hope. (Like I said, if you've been talking about getting back together that's one thing.But if not...) It's best to live in the moment. My friends do this to me all of the time. However, there is no chance of him even wanting to come back because he is very happy now with his OW and his new life with no responsibilities. I just remind myself that it's just "what if" talk and that "what if" talk drags me down.

LOL - Broken, your post just made me think of this a different way. My friends don't say things like this at all. Mine say - "I'm so glad you are not with him anymore - he did you a big favor" - "I don't know how you put up with his crap for so long". Now......that's very telling isn't it?

I wonder if I said to them we were getting back together if any of them would even talk to me again ha ha ha...

When I find myself thinking about being together again, it's always the false, dreamland together I thought we had before he couldn't hide his addictions anymore, and our dream came crashing down.
I try to see it for what it is: longing for what coulda/shouda/woulda been, realize it isn't real, it's a fantasy, and set it aside so I can move on.
Like others said, it's sad.... but it's a part of grieving and it happens.

I haven't been talking about getting back together, my friends know we are on speaking terms though, and they probably think that means more. And one of the gals who said it, used to say I was one of only two couples she knew who would be happily ever after. the other in that group is now widowed, sad to say, and I'm divorced, so all my friend's beliefs in "happily ever after" have come crashing down.. I feel I let other people down because they believed in what we had. Seriously, though, I don't stress over that! Just saying. I know I"m the one who had to live with him and what he was doing, and life is NOT a fairy tale! We know that better than anyone, don't we, my friends? :(

People really have NO IDEA what the marriage was like! They only see your "social side" when you are out with them and they tend to operate on their PERCEPTION. Looks can be very deceiving! No one knew what kind of crap I had put up with all those years with the now-X. I didn't realize MYSELF how bad things were until after he left and I got into therapy. I had put up with so much crap from him and yet I never allowed it to sink in. I was in it for life! But in the 18 months it took to divorce him, I really got in touch with myself and my memories and I realized that I had been ALONE in the marriage for a very long time.

Those bouts of nostalgia are what I call "Wistful Thinking" and they come and go. It happens a lot less these days, but I'm 8 years out from final divorce. I suppose one day I won't ever have those thoughts anymore. I choose to remember the good times, but I cannot forget the awful times. That's what I call self-preservation.

Ditto everything Kathi said...from another post-divorcee 8 years out. Self-preservation. And, after seeing him and listening to his speech at my DD29's wedding last year...it just brought way too many bad memories back . That is why, no contact is best in our situation. In my case, the past is best kept in the past...including exes.

Yes, everything Kathi said is true for me too. No one else can know what it was like for us. So many people couldn't believe we had split up when we were the love story of High School. When I tell people what it was like, I still get that look of disbelief from some - even my own family, and three of them are also divorced. They have no idea and they don't want to know, either. Perhaps they want to hold onto their own idea that life is a fairy story.

I would love to have the confirmation you receive from your friends, KRK. I'm afraid my ex is too good at the oozing charm. However, I'm hearing odd tales of his slips in public. He showed his true self twice at his mother's funeral, and he lost it at the swimming pool with my daughter one day, too.

Startingover, my ex delivered the eulogy at my exMIL's funeral. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who registered the venom in his voice at one stage. He hated going to his sister's dancing concerts when he was a boy, and he actually looked at me, unable to contain his anger properly, when he told everyone that I enrolled our girls in dancing classes which meant he had to go to more dancing concerts. How dare I make a decision he didn't like! How dare I let my girls be girls! Let me tell you, he made sure he didn't attend as many as he could get out of, with no thought that our girls would like to know their Daddy was proud of them.

As time goes by, people will begin to see the reasons why we aren't together any more. Your friends will understand in time, Cmonge, and they'll stop asking you this question.

love and hugs
kamary