Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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caligirl92354 09/09/2014

I am reading the book, "The Power of No". For me, with huge issues of codependency, and many times, caring too much about how anything affects others, I have been reading this book to change the tapes in my head. Today, I read something I wanted to share.

"The 3 Keys to Stop Negative Chatter

1. The first key is to catch yourself when you are starting to feel "the anger". Anger NEVER accomplished what you want it to.

2. Treat yourself like someone you love. And "fake it until you make it" if you can't. Imagine someone you love. imagine what you would say to him or her. Now say it to yourself. Cradle yourself like a mother cradles her baby. (this one is how I got through my divorce. I finally started treating myself gently, compassionately, prioritized my longings and desires, lovingly and valued - and I remember the day I came home from work and walked into my silent, empty house, and realized - I'm in a good place and I am happy, and I feel loved for the first time in my life. How I treated myself made all the difference.

3. Treat others with love. Without the first and second key to show you how, this is much more difficult. But, it's important. Do you stay with the anger, or do you practice compassion? It's your choice, but we hope you choose compassion."

I would recommend the book highly. I told myself after my X left that I would never stop learning and moving forward in this healing process and nurturing my soul. Learning the value of changing the chatter in my head was a huge step forward to getting out of the rut of victim.

Is it horrendous what has happened to me, us? Absolutely. Did we deserve it? Absolutely not. But, how and if we move forward is our choice. Treat yourself like someone you love.

refurb 09/09/2014

thanks caligirl, i'm still stuck in the gallows humor in that I treated her with love and looked how that turned out

be excellent to each other

1Timeforhim 09/09/2014

Thanks for the share. Co dependant yah. Putting everyone first thinking....... and thinking I would get undying devotion did not work out so well.

Well actually i thought as a christian woman I was to put others first in ministry to my family. So yes my children all have incredible memories of there childhood and love me for how I loved them....

But for me it didn't work out so good, as we all know or we wouldn't be here so..... I will take from your share that my life will in the future be, in balance of loving on myself as well....... being loving to him NOT SO MUCH that will take a millennium........maybe not that long but that is looking closer then anytime soon.

caligirl92354 09/10/2014

jenny, I don't love my X either. but I think the context isn't about loving them, but dealing with them in love. That used to mean I did everything they wanted or needed but now, through therapy and reading books, I've realized that being firm and not allowing them to hurt or abuse or manipulate us, is dealing with them in love. We teach people how to treat us, and so, we have to put the boundaries up. For me, dealing with him in love is letting go and letting him go his own way, without me. It is so freeing, I can't tell you, but it takes time. Sometimes, a lot of time, but it's a goal to work towards.

I was like you, Jenny, in that I thought as a Christian woman, my ministry was everyone but me. That taking care of me was selfish. I am sad about that because I lost myself, and probably an amazing woman during those years. And like you, I thought I would get undying devotion for all my sacrifice, but that didn't happen. in fact, the more I gave, the more he hurt. But I can't go back, I just aim now to move forward with the new me who is compassionate but not a doormat, loving without codependency, boundaries without anger, and on and on.

caligirl92354 09/10/2014

refurb, I totally agree with your comment. That is exactly what I did. I treated my x with love and giving and unconditional love and this is where it got me. BUT, when it was all over, I realized I had become codependent in my unconditional love for him and that what I needed or wanted didn't matter anymore. When in fact, it did. I got tired of the fight to maintain my boundaries after 20 years and started accepting his lack of respect for what was important to me. I made the choice to accept how he treated me for the last 12 years. He became so angry and nothing pleased him and I thought if I gave more or loved him more, he would see that and change. I know different now and that is no longer how I live my life. I have been married again for 4 1/2 years, and it is work to keep the boundaries, open communication, etc. But the difference is I am now married to an adult man who doesn't manipulate because his feelings are hurt or I'm not doing what he wants, and the list goes on.

You'll get to that place, but it's too new for you still, The betrayal and abandonment when our spouses leave is the toughest thing I've ever been through, but it is what motivated the change in me, and for that, I am forever grateful. If you had told me I'd EVER feel this way, I wouldn't have believed you because it took me about 3 1/2 years. LONG ROAD. But SOOOOOO well worth the journey.

KRKing911 09/10/2014

Thanks for this!

CowgirlKathi 09/11/2014

When I attended DivorceCare, in one of the sessions it was said that "God hates divorce." Well, MY take on that is that God equally hates to see any of his children in hurtful and unhealthy marriages. In retrospect, I had been given LOTS of "nudges" by my Heavenly Father along the way. Deep down inside I KNEW that one day my husband would simply abandon our marriage and run away. It was my (what I call) "fatal sense of hope" that SOMETHING would change and that things would miraculously get better. Wasn't going to happen.

For at least 10 years, I put up with the constant nagging, snide remarks (in public) and general emotional neglect. I was afraid to call him to task for fear he would leave. In the end, he did anyway!

Nine years ago, when the now-X simply up and abandoned our marriage I truly felt as if I would die. That whole 18 Months of Hell was the MOST difficult thing I have ever had to deal with, but thanks to my faith and my amazing therapist, it was a major turning point in my life. My faith in myself was restored and my faith in the Higher Power became much stronger than ever before.

My therapist kept my head on straight through that period and she continually reminded me that until I learned to truly LOVE MYSELF, it would be impossible for me to find someone who would love me in the way I deserved. She also ended each of our sessions with these words: "Be gentle with yourself." I took it to heart. I still have to remind myself of those words in this New Life.

Thanks for opening this to discussion!

caligirl92354 09/11/2014

Kathi, thanks for your post. I think our stories are so comparable, always appreciate your input. I too give my faith and my amazing therapist and I'll add, DS, to my healing that got me through my hell.

You're so right, we must be gentle with ourselves. It's the biggest gift I took from the divorce.

dairytech 09/11/2014

Learning to treat myself like someone I love was a difficult task. Over the years I had forgotten how to do that. I think its harder for women than men. When I think about my life...from the age of 25 (when I had my daughter) putting myself first was pushed to the back burner. From that point forward...my needs became less and less a priority to ME...which tells me....I did this to myself...food and housing became the priority...there was little time and funds to think about what I wanted. Over time...I lost myself...I became someone else. When you add a unhappy H to the mix..one that criticized and belittled me...I became desperate to become the person I thought he wanted me to be....when in reality...he probably just wanted that person who he married.

It has taken 5 long years to get back to that person I used to me...with the twist of the new me mixed in. When I think back on this journey...self love and forgiveness was a huge part of the mix...for me...that was the only way to come out the other end of divorce whole. I feel good about who I am and where I am at in my life...and I am a true believer in...better things are coming. Thank you Caligirl for this discussion...Big Hugs...Kathy

caligirl92354 09/11/2014

dairytech. What a lovely post. It reminds me so much of what happened in my life. We get so caught up doing for everyone else that we forget about us. I found a website a few months back because in counseling I am working on self-compassion, acceptance, etc. The website is self-compassion.org. Wonderful. There is a test you can take. I have worked hard to love and accept myself and I think I'm finally doing a good job. It takes time, especially if you do it for the right reasons which is becoming a whole person. I have seen your growth and have always been encouraged by your posts. I too, have worked on self-forgiveness. It was a tough one for me and sometimes, still a process.

I just wanted to share with those on this site in so much pain to remember that the healing starts with being good to themselves. That's when I finally did the turn-around, that day I mentioned above when I came home and felt truly, unconditionally loved and I wasn't in a relationship, I was alone, but I had found myself and the joy of that.

Big hugs to you.

deleted_user 09/11/2014

Thanks for the site. I took the test and I was pleased that I'm not too hard on myself. I think I allowed myself to mourn my failed marriage and then moved on because I felt having 3 people in our marriage would never work, no matter what I did or said.

kamary 09/12/2014

This is great advice, caligirl. When my girls estranged immediately after the divorce went through, I found a book about Parental Alienation which advised that the way to deal with it was through 'love and compassion'. I've been living by that motto ever since, and eventually added 'respect for self and others' to the list as well. It's worked very well for me. I have my girls back in my life, and I'm happy with my new free life. I have a new self-respect and confidence I never had when I lived with a man who treated me like I didn't matter.

love and hugs
kamary

VectorForward 09/14/2014

I need to read both these books. After being thrown under the bus twice in close succession, by my husband 3 years ago and a year and a half later by my board of directors, my self esteem and resilience took a huge bashing. I was actually doing well a year after the divorce but the way I was treated by my BOD and my supposedly best friend just sent me in a tailspin. I find it very hard to believe or trust I'm good enough for anything or anybody. There have been a lot of disappointments, losses and set backs since so the fallout from these two events just seems to be the gift that keeps on giving. I know deep down it will eventually get better but I do sometimes wonder if I'll ever make it to the eventually part.

One positive, and it is huge, is I got back into my art as therapy for the shock I was undergoing. My studio is my place of refuge especially now that my horse is not rideable.

Thanks for the great advice, caligirl. Hugs.

1Timeforhim 09/14/2014

I thank all of you for your insights. This was a good thread for me because I related so much to the fact that I completely lost myself and in so doing he was able to push me down further, and eventually I believed his reality above my OWN now that seems kinda sick right there........this has been a painful lesson but one I will never forget.......

I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate your insights as they give HOPE !!! Knowing I won't always feel this way is all I have to live for because if this is it......... Well I prayed God would just take me and he didn't answer that prayer......so I guess he has a better than this plan........

Sometimes I actually have this thought that God delivered me and another thought I get is I wonder what it would be like to HAVE someone love ME...... I have never experienced that before ..........Cause I never have..... it was all about his ego.....Never about me or his family

Thanks for the Hope ladies and hugs and prayers for all of you

iammine 09/17/2014

Just read this thread. Never thought of the idea of treating myself like someone I love. Great concept, and I shall think on it! Thanks to all who posted, I enjoyed reading all the responses.

caligirl92354 09/17/2014

Kamary, thanks for your post of hope and positive outcome. Always inspiring to hear self-respect stories. It's so powerful.

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