Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
OK. I'm creeping along--each day is a bit better than the day before. Months go by--each better than the one before. Out of the blue, I hit a snag and I'm down in the pits. Nothing I'm aware of brought this on. I struggle with this and 5 days later I find out he lost his job--about the time this started. Then I'm reminded of the times while we were married that I would be thinking of something or working on a decision. Before I could open my mouth to tell him about it, he would start telling me exactly what I was thinking about. Has anyone else dealt with this type thing and how do you get rid of that emotional connection? Plus--this is suppose to go to court on the 8th. He has refused to negotiate up to this point. How will the job loss affect the judges decision?
Not sure how to erase the emotional connection. I think just getting new interests in your life to fill the void that he left.
Hugs!
Wishing you all the best with the court date...not sure how the job loss will affect things...sorry.
Hopefully this will be the worst thing that will ever happen to you.
That's if you believe in that sort of thing. I do.
After reading your post and profile, I did a little research on www.divorcesource.com for ya. Good for you, Wyoming is an EQUITABLE DISTRIBUTION STATE which means that the court considers marital assets AND the earning history and ability of each party when determining monetary settlement. Having no specifics on where your divorce negotiations have been (or are at this time) it's hard for me to make a judgement call here. If you've only been married 7 years, you're not going to get Alimony. That's someting pretty much reserved for 20+ year marriages. If you have children together (I forgot to even look at that part of your profile) you will be entitled to child support, though, which helps.
You say your case is going to court on the 8th? Well, I hope you have an attorney. As far as your stbx's joblessness is concerned, the question you pose here is really one you should be asking your attorney. And even then, it's a guess.
As to this wave of emotional stuff -- well, honey, I hate to tell you this, but it's PERFECTLY NORMAL. You just have to get to a place where you observe those thoughts and then let them go. Waxing nostalgic about what used to be is only going to make you feel worse. Acceptance is difficult -- believe me -- 8 months after my ex flex the coop I finally realized there was no going back and it was then that I filed for divorce (and just to give it a little more bite, I told my attorney to have the papers served to him on our 24th wedding anniversary, the shit!)
Now, two years post final divorce and engaged to a man I met on eHarmony in late 2007, I can deal with those old thoughts and feelings about my ex and not get all upset about them. Bless his heart, Tom is very understanding when I have those thoughts, and he listens to me and doesn't tell me how I should or shouldn't feel about them. He was divorced a number of years earlier than me, so he has had more time to process all the residual crap.
You'll be ok, honey, trust me and everyone else on DS who tells you so. As time moves on and you become more focused on YOU, these thoughts will come up a lot less often and before you know it, all the hurt and anger will just be a distant memory.
Take a lesson in all that you are feeling, too. If you haven't been seeing a therapist or counselor, find one and go. We are humans with lots of emotions all the time. Learning to feel them and analyze them will protect us from making the same relationship mistakes in the future.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
You may be better off with a judge....but you never know. My lawyer told me that you can't get spousal support from someone who doesn't have a job and there's nothing for a mediator to mediate without money available....that old perverbial quote "you cannot get blood from a stone".
Good luck. Talk with your lawyer about this.