Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
So, the discussions H and I have been having this week have dissolved into no progress. Even I though I reduced my expenses significantly as my attorney had requested, we were still too far apart. His initial offer for monthly was ridiculously low. He suddenly turned from the helpful guy he had been just a few days ago to a monster making threats. The first one was that he was going to come up with 3 ways to settle - alimony, alimony and lump sum and lump sum only. These he said would be his "final offers." If I didn't accept one of those, then he would file a lawsuit and we'd let the judge decide. That was threat number one. I hadn't heard from him for a few days. Then, this morning, he said he was tired of my bs and would be filing a lawsuit. I told him that I still believed we could come up with something that would work and that we were almost there. He said, "See you in court." I asked what in the world was going on? It's like he just snapped. He replied, "Go to hell." Oh my. He just doesn't say stuff like that, even when he's really mad. I must admit it was a little scary. So, did your husbands(or wives)change like this? Were any of you frightened by it and worried for your safety?
Setting aside what you are legally entitled to for just a moment, it may be wise for you to figure out what is your bottom line, that is to say what is the minimum amount of assets with which you are willingly to walk away. If you believe that you can get by and live with that, then you go back to what you are legally entitled to and decided if it is worth the cost to fight for it.
I firmly believe that it is worth the fight. However, I have met many women who decided that it wasn't worth the fight. They wanted it over with and buried and were willingly to for go the fight. For them, it was the right choice. I had to respect their decision as they though long and hard about the emotional and economic cost.
It is unfortunate that you do not have the same access to legal services as your former partner. As Dairy Tech stated you are now forced to find different ways to finance your costs. She has offered some ideas. You will have to make some very tough and unpleasant choices so decide how you want to proceed and then just go ahead.
It took me awhile to fall out of love with my ex and until I did, I kept thinking that he would treat me kindly. I was always so taken aback when he didn't. I was grateful for Cowgirl Kathy's advice to go NO CONTACT. That allowed my non emotional lawyer to negotiate as I started the process of putting myself back together. It was about 2 3/4 years for the separation agreement to be finalized and the divorce finalized. It took me much longer to put myself back together.
As Jamama suggests as well, consider going no contact. You then don't put yourself in the position of being bullied.
I am looking into getting health insurance through the Health Insurance Marketplace. To receive a tax credit, you have to have an annual income of less than $46,000. I guess that means just alimony. Since we're still working out the details of our settlement, I can make my expenses come out to that or less for that purpose. But, where do the assets come in? Is that considered part of the annual income? I ask because I liked what you were suggesting in your second paragraph. Just not sure how to do that, knowing that I have to keep my "income" below $46,000.
I am unfamiliar with the division of matrimonial property in your area, However, I am very familiar with the accounting definition of assets and income,
Income and expenses refer to the in and out of cash. Income is the dollars you earn (or receive from support, pension investments etc) and expenses are the costs associated with living your life.
Assets are property owned by a person that have a value. There are things like a house, car, registered retirement savings plans. Although they have a cash value, they are not considered income,
Where I live, the distribution of marital assets and the income and expenses of the spouse are two separate things.
Distribution of the assets refers to the division of the property that was accumulated during the marriage, examples of which are the home, cars, recreational vehicles, recreational properties, furniture, bank accounts, saving plans, stocks, bonds etc. It also includes debts, such as loans, credit card balances.
Income and expenses are used to determine alimony and/or child support. Many factors to be considered are the length of the marriage, the age of the children and the earning ability of the spouses (that is to say if you worked outside of the home).
I caution you that the rules in how this is calculated vary from state to state. I am Canadian and our divorce laws are federal and are therefore the same across each province. However, some provinces do have different rates of support. Clear as mud right.
I hope I have not confused things for you even more.