Is there an echo in here?
Are there two new discussion topics exactly alike?
I think so....but I will respond to THIS one.

At the ripe old age of almost 54, I found myself newly divorced in a world where I had been with the same person for 30 years! We lived together 6 years; got married in 1982 and the divorce was final just shy of what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary.

I didn't like dating in high school; had grown bored of the bar scene decades earlier and had always been pretty well satisfied to entertain friends here at home, go out dinner with other couples, and I had a whole group of horseback riding buddies that both me and the H spent time with. Well, it was gone in a flash -- and I quickly learned the difference between TRUE friends and those who were merely "social" friends. So, living in a pretty rural area -- and being 35 miles from a city of any size -- my prospects of "dating" were not great.

A month after my divorce was final, however, a good friend (who was widowed at the age of 48) gave me a 3-month gift subscription to eHarmony. I figured what the heck? What have I got to lose? It's relatively safe, the personality profiling was thorough and I can pick and choose if I want to. But KNOW that I was not into dating for the sake of DATING -- I was hoping to find someone who was also looking to build a long-term relationship.

Two and half months and over 200 potential matches later, a match came up that really picqued my interest. We went through all the Guided Communication steps, entered Open Communication and eventually shared our personal email addresses and phone numbers. Six weeks later, we met in person for the first time and it was pretty amazing! We talked in the restaurant for FIVE HOURS and it was only when they began to vacuum the floor, did we realize that so much time had gone by in a flash.

The rest is pretty much history; we became officially engaged just about a year later; combined our households in February 2008 and we are talking about getting married in Barbados in March 2013. But since both of us came out of long-term marriages, we know that a piece of paper doesn't make a commitment. We are as married as two people can be without benefit of clergy.

As to your question 2, part of the reason that neither Tom nor I carry a lot of baggage is that we each went into therapy when our marriages went south. I saw my therapist once, sometimes twice a week in the 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce. I still see her for occasional "tune ups" and Tom and I have gone to session together. We are committed to keeping our relationship alive, well and healthy and that takes time, attention, and lots of communication.

I think the problem that newly divorced people run into is that they have buried so much of the pain, anger, hurt and whatnot that divorce lays on their heads. They believe that if they can just find someone to be with, that it will all go away and life will be peachy again. But it doesn't work out that way. I always advise folks on here to STAY SINGLE during the divorce process-- that "rebounds" only cause greater hurt and a longer recovery period. It is important to learn to LOVE YOURSELF all BY YOURSELF before anyone else can truly love and appreciate you.

I am 43 and was married 17 years. I went on a couple of dates about six months in to my separation in a desperate attempt to "get over" my ex. Huge mistake. I totally wasn't ready. Truthfully...two years later and I'm still not ready. But I did join eHarmony and I went on a date last Saturday evening. We had a lovely time. We told our respective stories (he is a widower raising a young daughter on his own) and once we told them we didn't speak of them again. We ended up talking for hours and really enjoyed each other's company. There weren't any romantic sparks, but that's ok. It was a nice way to "get back out there" so to speak. I had to make myself go. I'm not in a hurry to go on another date, but I'm not going to isolate myself. Some friends have recommended "Meet Up" groups (you can find them online) as a good way to meet people with common interests. I definitely have baggage so I question whether it's fair for me to date anyone while I'm still on the rebound. I've cancelled my eHarmony account because people on there are looking for long term relationships and I think right now I am only looking for friendship.

I don't even think about dating. While I think I might like someone in my life I am much too busy. I think I am just soo done. The ex is still causing me trouble and I'm just done.

Too even date anyone right now would have the ex hauling me back into court. I live on alimony and he so wants me to disappear from his life so he doesn't have to pay me. Dating would so complicate my life.

trisha, why would going on a date have him adjusting alimony? In most states infidelity does not even come into play in the divorce proceedings. Strange that a date would be grounds to adjust alimony. He would have to go back through the court process for that. He (or his lawyer) would also have to define "date" and prove that you were on one by the legal definition. I bet I can go on a date and the most anyone knows is I am out to dinner with a friend.

I have been dating for two years. Even though my divorce was granted this past March, my marriage was over and I grieved about it years ago. I think it is wonderful. There are all kinds of feelings of excitement, anxiety, butterflies, heart palpitations, sweaty palms... gee, sounds like puberty.

Of course there is baggage. You cannot just throw away 20-someodd years. I'm not stupid. This woman I am dating is a widow with three girls (youngest about to start college in the Fall). Talk about different. I mean, what if the kids don't like me? What do I do then? And then her in-laws came into town. How does one talk to the parents of a man that is deceased and I am dating their daughter-in-law?

There is good baggage, and there is bad baggage. The bad is the stuff that we should deal with and not drag around with us for the rest of our lives. It shouldn't be a burden for anyone that we know, or meet. And this includes ourselves. remember, bad baggage is destructive to relationships - and most destructive with the relationship we have with our soul.

There is no magic number as to when people are ready for dating. I hear that question a lot. Only you will know inside when you are ready. And when you are, put a smile on, h9old your head up high, go with no expectations... and have fun!

Life(tm) is meant to be lived!

I started dating before the ink was even set on the divorce papers; hell it wasn't even ON the papers yet! But for me, it was serving a different purpose than to hook up. I had just made a move 300 miles from my former home and was looking for a way to get out and about. I tried Match.com and found many interesting men, several of whom I met and decided they were definitely NOT what I was interested in. I made it clear to all of them I was not looking for a long term relationship and was in the process of a divorce. Some were ok with that, others wanted more.

Shortly thereafter I met a man ten years my junior who greeted me with a hug and a huge smile. We spent nine hours on what was supposed to be a "coffee date". I continued dating other men and we kept our relationship casual, however he kept coming back and I found I enjoyed his company, his humor and his kindness. He realized where I was at emotionally and never pushed for more than I was ready for. Two years later we spend our weekends together and are planning on moving in together in a year or so.

This September he will accompany me to my son's wedding (eat your heart out Wasbund!). My children like him and my family loves the fact that he adores me. When I am with him, I am not waiting for the "other shoe to drop" as I did in my previous relationship. We have an open line of communication; I can tell him anything and know he will still love me and accept me. I have found a relationship that I knew could be, and am so happy it has happened for me.

I live in a Southern bible belt state. They do pay attention to adultery. One of the stipulations to getting alimony is if you committed adultery you do not recieve alimony. None nada. Absolutely not. I have one friend who has been trying to get alimony and every atty. she talks to says it's not going to happen.

Adultery can get you divorced sooner. Otherwise it is a one year wait of living separate and apart to get a divorce. No co habitation at all. I have had attys. tell me if I consistently date the same person for very long the ex could haul me into court and try to take my alimony.

I'm having so much trouble with the ex right now it's not fair to bring other people into my mess. I'm tired of courts. I'm now going back to court for the 5th time. Enough already. My life needs to get back to normal before I even think about dating anyone.

I'm 52 years old and only now dating. I was married for thirty years (moved out of the marital home on our anniversary)
I spent a long time just trying to rediscover who I was....I wanted to find that 'peace' inside myself again....I hadn't felt that for such a long time.
So...I'm now seeing a few men an a somewhat regular basis. The first date I went on was terrifying...I thought I'd hyperventilate giggles, but the more I went out, the more I started to relax and just enjoy the other persons company.
I'm discovering that men go through the same emotions....they get nervous etc..so, that helps me to not feel so silly about it all.
I think the best part of it all is that...I now know what I don't want...not quite figured out what I do want...but know what I don't want....and you know...it feels good to finally be in a position to where I feel fine crossing the road to the other side the second someone shows me who they really are. At this point in my life....I believe them the first time.
Hugs to all,
Julia

I can't even think about dating. I haven't dated since I was 19 years old! I'm 63 now, so all the men in my age bracket have physical baggage, as well as emotional and financial baggage. I certainly wouldn't want to date anyone much younger, and the men my age look ancient to me right now, so I would say I am definitely NOT ready to take this step.
I will work on my own baggage first. I am trying to learn to live alone, something I have never done before. It's quite an adjustment, and there are positive things about it, but it's an adjustment I do need to make before I can think about taking the next step.
I think I would like some single friends. Puter mentioned MeetUP, and I've heard that is a good place to meet people with common interests. That would be my next step. Also, doing volunteer work in something that interests you could be a good way to meet people in a casual setting.
I do feel that everyone has baggage, no matter what their age. You have to be ready to deal with that, and I think you will know when the time is right to take that step.
((hugs))

Zouga..you made me spit out my tea l.o.l. I remember thinking the same thing when I first thought about dating....everyone looked so old to me....I realised that after spending such a long time with my x.....one doesn't see the changes..the grey hair, bald spots etc....I guess love really is blind,
giggles

My situation was a bit different than most. This is my second divorce to the same man. I think I went through the worst of it during the first divorce. That was 5 years ago. Im divorced for the second time now for 9 months. I'm dating a man that I met when I bought the house that I'm living in now. Technically I met him before I was separated. I was married for 24 years and he was married for 32 years. We both divorced the same person twice...go figure. We both have 2 children at about the same age and we both are farmers. So, we have a lot in common.

For me...dating after being married for so long has turned out to be a wonderful experience. I met him by simply living my life doing the things I love to do. I just love going to Home Depot! You will be amazed at what can happen. As far as baggage is concerned...we dont seem to have an issue there. We both have let go of our past relationship and know that it is simply over and that even if they wanted us back... we would not go there. In our minds and hearts...it is over. I think this has made a difference in our attitudes towards moving on and forward. When I compare how I felt during my first divorce..still hanging on to hoping we would get back together...vs this divorce....that seems to be the biggest difference. I have had lots of counseling..my best friend is a therapist...to help get me to where I am today. Now, thats not to say I dont have the odd sad day...I had one not to long ago...it was my sons birthday and I couldnt help but feel sad for him. I spent an hour feeling like a failure and that I failed my son by not being able to keep my family together. I got over it though...I had to remind myself that this is not what I wanted...I did everything I could do to save my marriage and the ownership of failure lands squarely on my ex's shoulders. Its his to own..not mine.

I also think...for me...letting go of the dream was another big step. That dream is an illusion. Once I let go of that dream I had to face myself and who I am.. where do I want to go..what do I want to be...all the expectations that comes with that dream fell away. I realized that I really had not lost who I am and what I want out of life. I seem to have kept the basic me in tact. Im wondering now if perhaps that was part of the problem with my ex...he tried to change me but I really didnt let him. I seem to have found myself in the middle of creating a new dream. That seems to be how life works.

Im 54 years old and starting over. It was so overwhelming at first. I truly thought that my life was over and that I wouldnt get that second chance at life. I was so wrong. Dating with an open heart is the benefit of hard self work. Join a DC...read all you can on starting over...get counseling and post lots of questions here. See your past as the past...use the rear view mirror trick...push forward and let go of all the crap we seem to carry with us. Dont let your ex have even on more second of YOU. Big Hugs...Kathy

I just wanted to mention how shocked I was to discover that adultery meant nothing in my state as far as financial support. My attorney told me there are only two reasons to file on grounds of adultery....the first being that I could have gotten divorced faster (in my state if you share minor children you have to be separated one year before you can divorce...but they waive that if adutery is proven). The other reason would be for custody issues. Well...I didn't want to be divorced at all, let alone sooner. And we've never had custody issues. So there was no point in filing on grounds of adultery. Basically he was free to openly cheat on me and there wasn't a dang thing I could do about it. At least he was somewhat discreet...he never introduced his girlfriend to his family or our daughter and he never took her places where he might run into me. But he got away with it. And sometimes that burns me up. Ok...didn't mean to hijack this post...but saw the comments on dating while separated and it made me think of this.

Im dipping my toe in the dating pool. I have not been asked out on dates. I joined a service and I've gone on two dates. Throughout my married life men hit on me often. I think I have gotten so used to putting out an unavailble vibe that I'm just not being asked out. My Ex is an alcoholic so I am avoiding the bar scene for now. I think I'm going to try attending some local meetups. BTW im 44, was married 22 years and dated my EX 5 years before we married

I'm 57 and had been miserable in my marriage for over 20 years. When I finally got all moved out, I dated a few women, but really fell hard for someone just recently. After meeting and spending some time with her, I basically panicked..realizing I probably was not ready for a ltr. I think when I panicked, I hurt her....for that I am truly sorry.

I'm scared to death of entering into the dating scene again. My divorce final in Feb. - although we'd been far apart emotionally and struggling in need of counseling (refused on his part) for months before.

I've been in counseling to help me understand myself, support my decision making to end the marriage, to help in recovery, and to better understand myself. Been the best thing I ever did. I'm on an exit plan :) now (gentle nudging out the door by my therapist). I'm going to bring some of my past to a relationship certainly but with a better understanding of myself, my needs -- and I'm going to bring a future of potential. I know the communication is going to be an awful big important part of this and an openness.

That said, I've dealt with a lot of parenting teenager issues these past few years because of adolescence, and related to the divorce and abandonnment of their dad. This had drawn my energies (and made me question a lot of my inner core!). I believe now and can see that moving forward in living life -- may be the best thing I can do for all of us in setting a healthy example, etc (Whether it is with or without a partner) but exploring possibilities is OK.

Still scared as heck. I too had a good "Ha!" when Julia noted -- in realizing we do look older and love is blind.
Cathi -- joined eharmoney just on the free weekend to explore safely what this is all about. Not communicating just trying to look at the scene.

I've got more healing to do - but I'm feeling more centered than ever before. Life's an adventure. I'll be ready to get off the fence when the time is right. Thanks everyone for sharing because this is exactly where I'm at.

I guess my best piece of advise is don't take yourself to seriously and HAVE FUN! Think of this as a time to explore and as an exercise in self examination. Be honest with whomever you choose to spend time with as well as yourself and it will be ok. Be picky about who you date and be selfish with your time; you are too important to waste your time with people with whom you don't mesh. That being said, don't be afraid to take chances on someone who from all outward appearances may not be your perfect match; just be ready to ditch if need be. Sometimes pushing yourself to do things you are "not ready for" is a great opportunity for growth. Dating does not necessarily have to lead to a long term relationship and that is ok.

My current love of two years was one such journeys of self exploration and definitely NOT my perfect match on paper. But the more I got to spend time with him, the more I liked him and here we are. I have never had a man in my life that I could share everything with like Clay. I knew there could be relationships like this, but I was not sure it would ever happen to me! Now, no matter what happens between the two of us, I will never go back to less.