Golden-I used to think that way too. I agreed to things for the benefit of my children, trying to keep it peaceful & easier for them. Two years later, I am fighting a constant battle. We were just back in court last week, he served me, when HE already had stopped paying for court ordered things. I understand your concerns, but you have to look after yourself now while you have the chance. After he will do whatever he pleases & it will be too late. You might end up being the one supporting your child alone, so you need to protect yourself & her.
If you haven't received his financial affidavit, I wouldn't be signing any agreements.

He provided these things way back in December. It is now 9 months later. We need to see the updated numbers. All kinds of things could have changed in that amount of time. Major things.

You are blowing smoke for nothing my dear. The primary purpose of a financial disclosure is to hopefully discover his accurate income and marital assets. His failure to claim or under report his income can be to your ADVANTAGE. In the eyes of the law, his untrustworthiness will cause court to assign maximum [or average] earnings based on an assessment of his occupation in your state. You've provided your lawyer the past tax returns to show his earnings and ,my guess, his employment has not changed . The biggest burden is to make sure there are no hidden current marital assets to divide.

It holds true also for his expenses and debts. There are ways to skin a slick cat and court will make some calculated assumption and assign hopefully a low numeric value to his expenses/debts. BINGO !!! Which translates, he will have more available income in the pocket to make his court obligations. I suppose, your lawyer knows there's no reason to sweat if your stbx wants to go to court on that scenario!!!!

I remember having the same idea--I need to get along with my ex. A friend of mine looked at me and said, "There's a difference between being friendly and being a doormat--make sure you know the difference." It was like someone slapped me upside the head and made me wake up! I finally started seeing that NOTHING my ex did was friendly or in my best interest. That's when I stopped talking, took the leash off my attorney, and went after what was RIGHTFULLY MINE.

I commend you for wanting a working relationship with your ex for the sake of your daughter, but he has already shown you he DOESN'T CARE. If he did, he would be willing to negotiate a settlement that works for both of you.

If you are running out of money, the choice is simple: Go to court. You have tried to reason with him, and you can't reason with the unreasonable. I used to say about my ex, "It is so hard to reason with a man so dumb." You are dealing with the same kind of man.

And DO NOT SIGN anything!!! If you are not happy with things, don't sign. It may be time to go to court and let the judge handle it.


Sending hugs!!!

I hear you, hurt. I think I'm at that point. He showed his true colors this week. I've had it.

One more try with an updated response from us and then war I guess. This is not what I wanted. I tried HARD not to get to this point. But, I've had it. Im so exhausted. I"ve got to move on.

Atta girl golden...get mad if you have to...sometimes anger helps you get through the toughest situations...just dont hang on to it. Remember...this is your life you are fighting for. Your ex has already shown you where he is at...and you and your daughter are not it.

You've gotta know...many of us have been down this same road. Our advise has come at a cost to us. Trust me..if he loves his daughter he will find a way to reach middle ground once the dust has settled. Right now your main focus must be your future and your daughters well being financially...Big Hugs...Kathy

What do you have to negotiate with financially when you don't have anything, are in debt, and have no assets? We barely make it with both of us working, how can we even run two homes? How do yall do that? We have a house, but with a 2nd mortgage, I lease a car, we have no savings, just bills! What is there to figure out them? Wouldn't we just sell the house and both go our separate ways with the money we make and find cheap places to live? I just can't seem to wrap my brain around how we'll do things financially- of course he's been in charge of most of that because of his need for control, but I honestly believe he isn't hiding anything from me. He makes it perfectly clear through his stress and anxiety over money that there isn't anything extra.

Wow…just finished the book. Learned all kinds of things my divorce financial planner and attorney never/or have yet to tell me.

This should be required reading for anyone considering or in the midst of a divorce. There are many things you can do before you even get started to get on a sound financial footing later. Sure wish I'd known that.

My ex is still in the "I want to stick it to him no matter what, even at the cost of the kids." Maybe one day she will get past it. I have already had one child move in with me and another is about to because they can see what their mother is doing. Just my 2 cents.

I haven't been around the site for a while. I have been trying to walk the road of this mess best I can, figure things out, be a good employee, etc. I still feel very unprepared for this whole world. I do a lot o reading, and I will add this latest book to my "read now" list. The "Think financially, not emotionally" post is good timing for me. I'm one year in to this. To friends and family - they don't understand the pain, logistics to go through - and I get that. He always handled the financial plan for the couple and I did most everything else. I saw it as collaboration and team work - and back then, I had 100% trust in him.

1 year later, meetings over financials with the Ex on our own - we never get anywhere. He starts every meeting with a request to change the separation date for the documents/calculations (he wants end of the month). I don't get it - and why do I find it so hurtful that he even thinks that this is a reasonable request. Like - oh you didn't mean to tell me that night that you wanted a separation. I guess you had planned to string me along and tell me another day instead? No problem, pick any date you like and I'll just roll over and go along with it? (ok - I confess, this is an item that still makes me mad.)

When I ask why he wants to change the date, he says it is easier for banking statements. I say that I am not ok with it and he then proceeds to tell me that he has "been patient" and then texts me later with his view of the possible financial impact (legal fees) of me being difficult with this request, to which I reply lets just let the professionals guide us on this item. I've told him that I asked my finance person and they confirmed that the banking system can produce documents any day - that is why people can die any day of the year. I've told him to prepare his documents for whatever day he likes and I'll prepare mine based on the actual date and when we go to the professionals, they can advise how we can proceed on this item, options, and related financial implications of both dates for me to consider.

Wanting to change the separation date makes me feel like all of this is nothing to him. So wise ones - how do I think financially not emotionally on this and with this difficult personality? Am I being unreasonable with this request - I'm ok with your thoughts pro/con on this.

This date is now forever tied to a painful time in my life. In time it will be less, but year 1 just happened and I'm human even if he is not. Or is there a way/reason I should consider the date change?

Can you think why he would want the date change and has been requesting it consistently for 6 months? Every one in my world (including the professionals) are perplexed by his consistent request for this item.

i would like to be able to settle some of this on our own, but starting every meeting with this request just shatters me a bit more - leaves me almost speechless - and needless to say the discussions after that go pretty much no where and not surprisingly I'm a couple days recovering from it.

When Dday happened, I pretty much lost my ability to speak, write, express. To the outside world words came out, but it was all in a controlled, logical, business like tone. My way of coping I guess - and that is what people still hear and see. Me being logical and business like - but inside my suffering is extremely painful and private. I'm sure some of you feel / have felt similar.

Any input on the above is appreciated. Thank you.

stepforward - your H and mine are two peas in a pod. There's ALWAYS something behind a request they make, ALWAYS something they make look like it's benefitting YOU but it's really benefitting THEM. It's what he DOESN'T say that contains the truth of the matter. That's so hard to deal with, isn't it when they are well versed in all things financial and you are not. I feel for you. I'm in the same boat.

I get where you are coming from stepforward. For me it felt really good to go to the courthouse and file for divorce due to infidelity. Up until then I felt like I had a gag on and couldn't tell anyone. The kids needed to be sheltered from that, my family loved him too, plus we lived in a small town....but putting that down was liberating for me even though very few people would ever see it. (((HUGS))))