LOL my brother said that to me the whole time I was going through my divorce. He was right.

It's takes months to move from the emotional state to the rational state. It did for me at least.

I'm already 'settled' but the financial ramifications of divorce are HUGE. It's a shame that during a time of emotional turmoil we have to make some of the most important financial decisions of our entire lives....and ultimately, it's the first time many of us have done so alone!

Good luck to all who are just now learning and negotiating this divorce 'phase'!

How do you put money before heart, even in divorce? A broken heart in need of healing is suppose to be shelved for the focus of finical needs? How does one do that? The marriage wasn’t about money ( in most cases ). It was about heart.

Christophe - It's not so much a matter of money coming first, but PROTECTION for your future. Let's face it - not too many people here are as lucky as Chris, and work things out and remarry their spouse. In a few cases, people have remarried, but a few years later end up in this same place again. At our ages, we are close to retirement and suddenly cutting income in half or more is a very hard thing to do. Some here were stay at home moms, and didn't work and now have to learn and start fresh with employment. At this age, it's very hard to break back into the work force. What happens if you can't find work - how do you live?

I personally was so hurt and loved my ex so much that when he wanted out, I was completely lost and gave him everything he wanted. I have a lot of integrity and felt that we spent so many years together, whatever we had we worked for together and he was entitled to half of everything. He cheated, he lied, he betrayed and that's not love, but I still felt the love - it just wasn't enough for him.

I wish I had thought financially instead of emotionally in hindsight, because I am the one who is now supporting my children 100% while he is off living his wonderful new life with his girlfriend somewhere where it doesn't snow. He doesn't have to put a roof over their heads, feed them, keep them warm, wipe their tears, calm their fears, lift them up, or cheer them on. Let's face it kids aren't cheap. (especially when the leave all the lights on)... Even though I wouldn't change things for the world, as far as my children go - I do wish I had fought for a little more to help me now. If I had, perhaps I COULD afford to pay someone to do my lawn and shovel for me ha ha ha...

Marriage is a contract - contracts are business transactions - an emotional one, but business all the same. You need to PROTECT your future, and protection equates to money.

It's kind of like when I suddenly lost my mom. She dropped dead one day of a heart attack. Suddenly, I was thrust into having to make all kinds of major financial decisions when I was in the height of grieving and could barely think straight. It was an awful time and so is this. Same type of thing.

The ex worked overseas for the last ten years of our marriage and I only saw him once a year. When he let me see the things he had done I was getting out. I was lucky that my boss talked me out of leaving with nothing.

I had to set my emotions to the side and get that settlement agreement done in a hurry. I knew the ex well and knew he was agreeing to everything so it was done quickly and in my favor. We didn't give him time to rethink what he agreed to. The settlement between us was ironed out before he went back overseas. I wanted his signature on it and not the POA from his Atty so we waited two months to get his signature on it. Then quickly took it before a judge. I was also getting temp support.

I knew the ex better than he knew me and he was so agreeable
that we rushed the agreement thru court.

One of the things that saved my was my ability to compartmentalize.

When it came to the business of money I did not let emotions into the negotiations.

Christopher, my heart was broken, my life was over. but those meetings about money were all business. No way I was giving in to anything, and now way was I going to be made to feel like I wasn't worth what I was asking for.

I bawled my eyes out in the car before and after. when I signed the separation agreement I was in the car for almost two hours before I could leave the lawyers office I was so distraught.

I guess for me when I was told he was leaving, I never really thought about him coming back. Right away I new I could never forgive or get over what he had done. So to me it was a business negotiation

My story is the same. I was a broken women when my ex told me he wanted out. This was the 2nd divorce. I told him when he asked me back that this could not happen again or I would have to kill him. Well...it took 3 years for it to happen again. Yup...divorced twice to the same man. Talk about devastation...and I was very ill when he gave me 2 weeks to get my ass out of his house or I would find all my belonging on the street and the door locks changed.

Somehow during both divorces I was able to separate emotions from business. I bought him out during the first divorce and he bought me out during the 2nd divorce. This was not vengeance...it was what was fair...50/50. Now...5 years post divorce...I own 171/2 acres with 2 houses that I rent out and I own a little house by the ocean that has a rental suite downstairs...this is where I live...I have a great job with great pay and I have done this all on my own. My ex...well...although he took the cash and it was of equal value...he is broke and about to loose his house...the house that I bought to start over in and the same one he bought me out of.

You must separate emotions from business. This is going to be the biggest financial decision of your life...because it IS your life! We are not in our 30's anymore. Most of us are in our 50's and early 60's...we dont have time to gain more assets...so this is it...you have to fight for it and put your emotions aside and deal with them after the divorce is over...Big Hugs...Kathy

The thing that makes it hard for me is that I can't just stick it to him, knowing that I'll never see or have to deal with him ever again. That'd be easy. Long after my attorney is gone, it is H I have to live with. He's not going anywhere. We co-parent our daughter and wind up coordinating things for her quite often. So, I have to move forward through all this asking myself, "Do I want to stick it to him and ruin any chance of dealing with him in a friendly manner for the rest of our days?" Or, do I want try and work with the guy somewhat so we can function at the very least in a friendly way? We have a very tight family, my H, myself and our daughter. She is a special needs kid. We've been through so much together. Only someone with a special needs kid would truly understand what I mean by that. It is very important to me to keep things somewhat amicable moving forward. That will be essential in helping our daughter deal with what's happening to her family. This morning's exchange with H was so upsetting. Ugh.

Try to see it with reality. This man who you spent most of your life with and knows you have a special needs child is offering you a settlement that represents poverty. This man that you want to remain friends with and be on friendly terms with...is trying to stick it to YOU. Give your head a shake! Fight for what is right and fair. Its time to put your big girl panties on and do what is right for not only you...but your special needs child. Its going to be you that cares for her at the end of the day...he is going to be off living his life in a manner much better than yours. That is 100% predictable...Big Hugs...Kathy

Dairytech -

I hear you. But - what's right for our daughter is for us to get along! That's well documented.

Golden grl. Getting along and bending over are two different things. You can make excuses and produce statistic all day long but dairys right. Do what you have to to protect your future for both you and your daughter. Be firm but fair. So what if he doesn't agree or like it. Too bad. Later on you can try to be his friend if you want to. Not now. Protect yourself

Dairytech is on track. On the contrary, he might try to stick it to YOU. Make it his burden to keep things amicable moving forward by maintaining legal compliance and obligations, otherwise he'll face consequences.

I agree, it will be wise of you to be cordial, stay focus, and be reasonably cooperative. To be honest, asking yourself, "Do I want to stick it to him ..." is not like you have the option or power !!! [I'm laughing with you].

It's just business and money is the tangible function of keeping responsible household even with divorce. It's not dependent on emotions but very dependent on signing the checks.

To date, H has STILL not provided his current expenses, assets and debts, after multiple requests. My attorney doesn't seem to be particularly concerned. To me, this is a HUGE red flag. Ugh. Any guesses as to why she isn't aggressively pursuing this? I have to sign the agreement which specifically states over and over and over again that I am comfortable with the financial disclosure of my spouse. I'M NOT.