I still go to my therapist as needed. I stopped
Going regularly when i was at a stand still in my
marriage.

I still attend alanon weekly and also divorce care
And now go to church.

My therapist is great i should go more than I do
its a 40 co pay. I help myself with My support
groups.

My therapist and i talk about abuse, family of
Origin issues, she does not push me until i am
Ready or emotionally strong enough. The hour
Goes by fast when we just chat. She is drug and
Alcohol trained and a 12 stepper.

Alanon is Healing me from the inside out. Its a
process and It takes time. Divorce care opened
Up my lost soul and i started trusting God again.

I keep beating every bush i can find to help myself.
I still have loads of self work and care i need to do,

I for one am not ready to date, i need to heal myself
Before even thinking about it. My picker is broken and
It needs fixing.

Hugs

Mirandac

I lucked into finding the best therapist for me. He was the one who helped me to see what the ex is and that he can't change. I still see him on a regular basis. Friends are hard to find in this area and I have no family here. My therapist helps me just by listening and suggesting ways to live in my very rural area.

Yes, see a therapist. I think we need more help after the dust has settled from the divorce. Help to make a better life for ourselves. Help to figure out who we let into our lives and who we let go from our life.

Trisha is absolutely right on this one! I saw my therapist for a full 2 years -- all during the Divorce from Hell and for 6 months after -- at least once a week. I gradually tapered off to once a month and then on a PRN basis. I have said it many times: I would stay in therapy my whole life if I could afford it! We are all like onions -- there are many layers to our emotional selves and we are constantly bombarded by what I call "peripheral shit." Our work, our work families, our families, friends and associates. There is no shame in seeking help -- in fact, I have a great deal of admiration for those who DO seek help and who are willing to put in the hard work to get right with themselves! Life is complicated and the world we live in is confusing and can be brutal at times.

Look at it this way: yes, you got divorced, but there was never a guarantee that you would outlive your ex; your son would have eventually grown up and moved out on his own. These are just the inevitables of life.

As to your not liking being alone -- in therapy, you may come to see that you were more alone in the marriage than you thought. That was certainly the case for me and when THAT hit home, I realized that I WAS better off alone than with someone who never missed an opportunity to cut me down and beat me up emotionally.

This business about not being able to open your heart to someone new is, IMO, your innate sense of self-preservation and a pretty clear indication that you simply aren't ready for a new relationship. In many of my earliest postings here on DS, I said many times "Until you are able to LOVE YOURSELF -- ALL BY YOURSELF it is unrealistic and unfair to expect someone else to love you." And I still strongly believe that.

I made a big mistake by jumping in with Tom too soon after my divorce was final. I was so attention and affection starved In my marriage, the pull of someone who actually paid attention to me was almost irresistible! He appeared at time when I was still vulnerable and I hadn't given myself enough time living alone to get a clear picture of what I needed and wanted in a new relationship. Had I subscribed to the 4 Seasons Rule, I no doubt would have saved myself a lot of disillusionment and disappointment in the long run. So take your time and (as my grandma used to say) "Look 'em over real careful." There are plenty of decent men out there, but you don't want to get involved with one until you are really ok by yourself.

I have lived alone (and NOT had a romantic relationship with a man) for over 3 years now. And you know what? While I am still hopeful that I will meet my perfect mate, I'm perfectly ok. I can do what I want when I want and I have learned to be MY OWN BEST FRIEND. I have also learned that when I feel particularly lonely or worried about my future to simply ask the Universe to "send me what I need right now." I usually start to feel better in a very short time.

You will be ok! Make an appointment with a licensed therapist. If you don't feel like you are really connected with him or her, find another one. They all have different styles and techniques. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers'

Just do what feels right for you. I have been blessed with a therapist (paid by the Catholic Church) She even calls me to see how I am doing. They were my lifeline. Trisha and Kathi gave you excellent advice. Hugs.

I definitely recommend revisiting therapy if you feel you need help. That's what I'm doing. Like Kathi, I attended weekly for awhile during the divorce, which was in 2011, and then tapered off to monthly. This lasted about a year. Then I was thrown under the bus again in 2013 when I lost my job and had serious problems getting back on my feet so back in I went for probably over a year. Like you, I have concerns about being alone, isolation, belonging, connection and she helped by not only encouraging me but by giving me tasks. I'm returning because I live in an extremely rural community in Wyoming with no family around and a part time position with an organization that resides 80 miles away. My life just isn't working for me or at least not the way I want it to. I want to move but don't know where and with the economy in this community in a serious bust, I have financial concerns too due to the loss in my home's value. We are going to strategize on how to get me outta here.

My therapist also very much echos what Kathi says about finding and liking yourself first. She told me several times that the women who age the best are those who build a life for themselves. Finding a romantic partner is icing on the cake. This is so important since women usually survive their spouses anyway and find themselves alone. That said, I found myself in a relationship with someone I knew through work about a year and a half after the divorce was final. It was complicated by long distance and then both of us losing our jobs. Ultimately it didn't work out since he recently found someone local. Heartbreak is no fun but he was an incredible support while I was going through the unemployment and it was wonderful to have someone to care for and who cared about me. I want to do it again. When you are ready, you will open your heart to someone. It sounds like you still have some self reflection to attend to and yes, a therapist will help. Mine also always said, "You will start dating when you are ready to".

Good luck. I think you're on the right track.

As a lay minister trained to be present to people in crisis or illness or dying, I believe having someone listen to you, really listen, can help you get through nearly anything. Having someone with professional training that can help to guide you as well, that's an extra that can speed your growth and healing.

While we were (actually I was) still working to try and save our marriage, we saw a psychologist that specialized in addictions, and I continued to see her on my own while we prepared our divorce. I also found tools to move forward at Codependents Anonymous. Both approaches helped me immensely!

3 years later, I'm starting to think I'm ready for some more help. I haven't changed very much inside for a few months now, and I realize I'm still up to my neck in distrust, in others and my own abilities to see what's true or not in other people. Getting some help will be a trick, as I haven't extra money, actually coming up short most months, but I believe I can find someone.

I find if you think something might be helpful, it probably will be. If you don't find it's helping, try someone else. Many of my friends had to look around to find their "best" therapist. It's very freeing to find that we don't have to go this alone!

first off i like your "help me figure this out"
that implies that at your core you know that you are not broken, even if right now you that you are

a way to vent & articulate feelings was helpful for me
it helped me see that i was & am the person i vowed to be in the marriage
the sadness, grief and despair brought on by an unfaithful "partner" and divorce were real feelings i owned
still have them as part of me
but they don't color my core

i did a little counseling, and a lot of speaking with a minister and a priest, and a family member

i'd recommend that anyone in these shoes of ours here consider counseling, therapy, and any other forum
that would open "your" eyes to what is smoke - (your feelings caused by the actions of others...smoke when the actions are selfish) and solid (your actions)
anywhere that your actions were not in line with your values, own up to, repair and move on
everywhere that actions validate that you are who you say you are: FEEL GOOD about

I continued seeing the therapist my X and I saw together. He helped me to see things I didn't want to see about my X and our marriage and also about me.

He also told me about divorce care and Meetup. Divorce care helped me to work my way through my feelings/emotions and Meetup helped me to get out socially with other single people.

I just started seeing him recently on an as needed basis.

I have been on my own since January 2015 and I do get lonely but I was lonely in my marriage too. I am just starting to enjoy being on my own and am not ready to start dating.

Yes, cmonge, I think therapy will help. Talking it out ckarifies how you really feel and what you're really thinking. I find Talking to a trained therapist helps even more because they understand, encourage, and also help you to work out what you can do next.

I am also stuck in distrust mode. I suspect that we will all find the courage when we reach the point of 'enough is enough'. When I get so sick of feeling as though I can't live the way I am for one more moment, I seem to find the courage to choose a better way.

You sound like you're almost at that point and a therapist could help you take that big step.

Love and hugs
kamary

Rejecting one's marital status depends on the social construct you were indoctrinated. Negative connotations about SINGLEDOM erroneously paints a picture of "being alone". Ironically, on the opposite end of the scale, we've all heard the negative connotations which paints a not so pretty image that marriage is referred as an union state of "hell and bondage". The sitcom Married with Children was the pure example.

Do know such indoctrination makes no rationale sense because from whichever standpoint of where you stand, all seemly appears to be less. IT'S ALL IN THE HEAD! So yeah, therapy can help you explore this conflicting view and end this self perpetuating talk of being alone.

Just be careful as to your motivation of dating to keep busy FROM being lonely, as oppose of dating individuals having that awesome wow factor. .Just saying, it might be better off not to entertain any old average broke because you are afraid to disqualify him. The skills is on you, it's your call. There are ways to recalibrate your dating selector.

Oh I have so gotten to like being alone......to do as I wish, to cook when and what I want. I have made quite
a few friends and have very nice neighbors. He would not let me see anyone, friends or family. He would even
grab the phone out of my hand if he thought I was talking to my daughter.

This space I am in is so wonderful. I am alone but not lonely.

There are still a few bumps in the road, but life is wondeful

all great advice and words of wisdom shared, I so appreciate reading the comments even when I don't post. I would definately do therapy again if you feel the need, I loved counseling when I went and think maybe it's time for a "check in" myself. Hope you are doing better, please keep us posted.

I can so relate to your feelings. I have the exact same feelings. It is a large conflict for me as well. I don't like my feelings of being alone but every man I meet I push away. It is a entirely knee jerk reaction. I can't tell if its they are not right for me and I am intuitively feeling that or if just me not being ready.

When you get some clarity on this please share !! I hope it helps to know your not alone with your feelings.

I've been seeing a therapist off and on for 15 years. It helps. It works. It allows you to vent without burdening your friends. It also helps to get an impartial view from someone who has seen it all. Good luck and keep on trucking!!!

If you even have to ask yourself if you should see a therapist, then go see one.
I have been going for 10 years now. It is a lifesaver to hear someone tell me what my ex did was sick, or it is normal to feel the way I do. Validation is wonderful.