Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
You know I always scoffed at the possibility that my X or his gf would stalk me here. The reason I scoffed was because I didn't care if he saw anything I had to say. Well today there was a strange exchange. A few weeks back I sent a message to him giving him the amounts I had spent to get my youngest here to college. I asked for $200 to help with the expenses. He said he would provided he got "credit" with the boys that he had provided money (I said no problem) and he said he would give us the 200. I should explain that what I listed added up to $1000 and that doesn't include the car I am buying for my son ($2500 - yes, it's old).
Well, on his payday, no money was deposited. 2 days later I texted and he said he was working all day and would have Friday off. Of course Friday came and went. I texted and called. Told him how the youngest had to go to the doctor yesterday and $60 later, we are really broke and he leaves in the morning for a 10 day tour. with $5 in his pocket. True, he has his debit card and I get paid on Friday. So after texting him all of this, he ignored me. Finally he texts me today and says this:
"I figure since I am going to be old, alone and sickly I had better look out for myself."
I of course said, "What?"
He answered, "A little birdie told me prophetess Diana predicted that I'd be alone, sick and old. And if the prophetess has spoken, so let it be done." I said "What?" and he said, "Don't play dumb."
Now I don't remember if I ever said that here. I actually would believe it to be true except that my sons are too nice to ever leave him alone in old age. My MIL (who I talk to once a week) did say that she thought he was so sickly that she thought he could end up old and alone. And I told her that my sons would not let that happen. Soooooo either my MIL said something about those words or he has been here.
I finally got angry with him which you all know doesn't happen often for me. I hate to tell you what I did (not because it was so bad but because you guys will know how nice I have been to him throughout all of this). So I texted him and told him that he would need to add our youngest to his insurance in August. He is court ordered to pay it and last summer when I came here, I agreed to put him on my insurance because it was less for me to insure the 2 boys than him. I know, I know, I can hear you all yelling! Lol. Well this little episode is going to cost him $300 a month and it will be a 250 dollar a month increase in pay for me. So that is my strange little story. I told him I would need documentation faxed to me when he signs up. He said "No problem." Yeah right.
Well, on his payday, no money was deposited. 2 days later I texted and he said he was working all day and would have Friday off. Of course Friday came and went. I texted and called. Told him how the youngest had to go to the doctor yesterday and $60 later, we are really broke and he leaves in the morning for a 10 day tour. with $5 in his pocket. True, he has his debit card and I get paid on Friday. So after texting him all of this, he ignored me. Finally he texts me today and says this:
"I figure since I am going to be old, alone and sickly I had better look out for myself."
I of course said, "What?"
He answered, "A little birdie told me prophetess Diana predicted that I'd be alone, sick and old. And if the prophetess has spoken, so let it be done." I said "What?" and he said, "Don't play dumb."
Now I don't remember if I ever said that here. I actually would believe it to be true except that my sons are too nice to ever leave him alone in old age. My MIL (who I talk to once a week) did say that she thought he was so sickly that she thought he could end up old and alone. And I told her that my sons would not let that happen. Soooooo either my MIL said something about those words or he has been here.
I finally got angry with him which you all know doesn't happen often for me. I hate to tell you what I did (not because it was so bad but because you guys will know how nice I have been to him throughout all of this). So I texted him and told him that he would need to add our youngest to his insurance in August. He is court ordered to pay it and last summer when I came here, I agreed to put him on my insurance because it was less for me to insure the 2 boys than him. I know, I know, I can hear you all yelling! Lol. Well this little episode is going to cost him $300 a month and it will be a 250 dollar a month increase in pay for me. So that is my strange little story. I told him I would need documentation faxed to me when he signs up. He said "No problem." Yeah right.
Having said that, I had a similar experience when I was a new member of the DS site ,HOPE, in 2010. My SIL, by a huge coincidence or he'd been reading my posts, made a comment that also echoed what had been discussed only that morning on HOPE!!! It really worried me and put me off saying what I really wanted to say on HOPE for a very long time. I had already found out that it was things she thought I'd said that made one of my daughters estrange me, and I didn't need any more misunderstandings.
I'm glad you finally got angry with your ex. To me, healing would be somehow incomplete without it.
Hold your ground on the insurance thing. And don't worry where he came up with that "old, alone and sickly" business. My feeling is, he KNOWS that will be his fate -- whether you have anything to do with it or not.
I'm really not worried about what the ex might read.
My EX would act out against me if he read what I wrote here. I still have to deal with him even though the kids are older.
My 2nd divorce with my ex was very simple and straight forward. All the details were taken care of during the 1st divorce. The only joint thing we had during the 2nd was the house we bought to start over in. He bought me out and that was that. If I was in negotiations I probably would not be as open as I have been. Things that are written here could be held against you so I caution those who are in the beginning stages not to post a picture of yourself and keep your journals private. Big Hugs....Kathy
I am so going to stick to the insurance thing. It will give me extra money and he is suppose to be doing it anyway. I shouldn't have been weak and allowed him to manipulate me when he was down and out. That won't be happening again! I texted him after the "no problem" reply and said I expect the documentation to be faxed to me the second he fills out the paperwork in August. If not, I will be speaking to my attorney about asking that he be held in contempt. Oh well, it sucks to be him.
Diane, he needs to be responsible and pay; pure and simple. You've been 'nice' - and that's okay, if that worked for you and you felt good about that. In the past. Today is a NEW day...and one with more money in your pocket! You go girl!
I don't blame you about the insurance. You tried to be nice and work with him. If he's going to be a poop-head, then let him pay.
Sending hugs! I'm so glad I don't have to deal with my ex.
I don't blame you about the insurance. You tried to be nice and work with him. If he's going to be a poop-head, then let him pay.
Sending hugs! I'm so glad I don't have to deal with my ex.
I have been here a long time, and some things that are no no's. This is not just about exes, stbx's who could in a divorce use information against you. Do not use someone's "real" name in public if they do not use themselves. My name is not Ms.Terey in real life, some of you know that, but I picked it for a reason. Do not address me as Betty if I got by Ms Terey in public. Do not post your or anyone's else phone or address ( it has happened). Be careful about revealing where you work, like I work for such and such corporation in a city and state. If your house is for sale... believe me that has happened, someone put their photos with the address and the realtor on their journal of profile, not that hard to get a real name of someone. Or I put my 16ft boat for sale on CList in Chicago listing, now they have a phone number! THIS is not to scare anyone. We are a lot less problem than FB or other social media sites, of which DS is. This is a social networking site. The easiest way a ex spouse or stbx gets on here, the kids tell him! A friend of mine, her kids worried who we were and told the dad she was in a cult and talking about him, spending all her time on here, and he got on and "monitored" her. That was awhile ago.. but it can happen!
Remember although I believe most here are honest about who they are, anyone can be anyone behind a key board. It is a shame, but that is the internet. As to my ex, my mom, who doesn't do the computer, was in a panic when I was divorcing that he had the phone tapped, with a tape recorder and I had to go down stairs and check the phone hookups to make her happy. AND she was concerned that he had access to my computer.. she meant some spyware. To make her happy, I did run all the programs to make sure.. my ex has been in the IT world since the late 70s... but I reminded her he worked for me when I met, and I am smarter and a way better on line researcher, and I hacked him! IT guys never change those passwords on their own accounts. Be careful all.... even your resume on a professional sites, I took my phone number off, email only! HUGS
Ok, lol, done with that. Diana... the MOMENT he called you prophetess in that degrading way - it was DONE. No more contact. He wants to arrange something, he can do it professionally and in writing and if he can't do it himself, then through his attorney. And hang up, walk away. DON'T give him control! And I would certainly stick to my guns about FAIRNESS.