I'm having a rough time of it again. Not about him or the divorce. Way over him, still not over what he's done, but he will never be a part of my life again, this much I know for fact. But the financial mess I'm in is affecting my life and my kids life so much. The three of us are arguing about money or should I say lack of.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place and no where to turn. I can't just go get another place because my credit is ruined and I will never have first and last month's rent plus security deposit. I need to accomodate all 3 of us and anything I've looked at is unacceptable yet I'm drowning in debt here.

I am so angry right now at him. So angry that we live on Pb&j while he eats homecooked meals nightly at his moms or his girlfriends. So angry that my son's shoes are falling apart and my X is walking around in brand new Reebok's. So angry that I'm angry.

My son tried calling him 4 times today. 4 times. No answer, no call back no response what so ever. This kills me. Of course my son just wants to rip him a new one but my X doesn't know this. How can he call himself a father. How can he sleep at night knowing what he's done to them, to all of us. How can he and his family even have one moment of joy in their day knowing that his kids and their grandchildren are suffering this way.

I try to stay upbeat. I try to move forward daily. I'm giving it all I've got to pull it all together and I'm afraid that I can't stop the walls from falling in on me and my kids. I'm falling apart here.

I thought I was way over this hump of hurt and pain. It comes and goes, the ups and downs. I like the ups much better. Crying more the past week than I have the past 5 months.

I don't deserve this. I was a good wife and mother. 24 years I put them first. Our kids don't deserve this kind of life.

I'm working at least 57 hours a week and I still don't have enough toliet paper in the bathrooms, no kitty litter, no laundry soap never mind that the fridge is empty. At least once a day I get a text from one of my kids saying they are hungry and there's nothing to eat. I'm doing the best I can and it's truly not enough. They both understand, but still they turn to me for what they need, afterall I am the only caretaker in this house. I am their main support but I can't do it on my own.

I apologize for rambling here. I just needed to get this out. I know this is only temporary, heck I've said it enough to everyone else to know that it's true. This too shall pass....I just wish it was already over.