Ooops! Minor slip of the memory...I might add that the book also contains some very good information on my favorite soapbox topic: STOP BEING NICE! and a lot of insight into what happens to spouses who just think you ought to "get over it" and actually be their friend! Gag me with a spoon, please!

Oh dear, my brain has turned to mush...In my excitement to share my New Topic, I forgot to add the following:

While The Script is written about what MEN do when they cheat, the gender can be replaced with WOMEN in most instances. I apologize for offending my fellow DS fellows here and still recommend the book to anyone going through an unwanted divorce.

the Cowgirl rides again

Thanks Kathi. I am going to order it.

thanks. I will check it out now

Dear CGK, You are a kick! Ive read your commentary over time, often with great enjoyment at your sharp tongue and no nonsense advice--from one who has 'broken thru the barriers.' Good work. Hard work, I know. Ive taken no offense to your most-often advice to women, as this post started out. Thanks for your vigilance in correcting the gender slant. I think we know that all who venture into this Forum have common ground. That's the beauty and strength of it. Thanks, too, for your biting, insightful and supportive contributions. Hugs to You.

Chrisman2: It wasn't until I stumbled across this site (sometime late last summer) that I realized that there are plenty of wives who have done the same, devastating thing to their husbands as my husband did to me. It is most enlightening to read the posts written by men who are in touch with their feelings and not (here's one of my favorite phrases) "emotionally constipated." God gave us our feelings! If we don't express them, we are wasting them. And nobody can truly know us (nor can we know ourselves) if we deny our feelings. In this regard, Daily Strength and the Man in My New Life have restored my faith in MALE-kind. Thank you, Chrisman2, for your kind remarks. I hope my support and "in your face" advice doesn't fall on deaf ears! Hugs right back to you, my friend.

Cowgirl is right about "stop being too nice". There is also the theory of learning to set up appropriate "BOUNDRIES" in marriages as well for new found relationships. I'd been beating myself up for being too damn nice during my marriage and since have learn to say "NO" to compromises of one's values. Good advise.

When you posted this a couple days ago, I was just thinking about how most of these spouses follow the same pattern. I was saying to myself, it's like they all go and take a course on how to cheat or what to do to get out of their marriage.

I'd be interested in what this book says.

Thanks!

I did not deal with this, but a hell of lot of other abuse. BUT I do know that when a spouse cheats it is not so much about you, but him..and I beg to differ but why and how men cheat, it about them not you. AND although it may not seem that way, woman cheat now in a marriage or a relationship almost as much as men do.. they have more opportunity, are out in the world etc. We just do not have them on this small micro world, or they lurk. Here we are the heartbroken left behind. I know at least 4 guys whose wives cheated..and I had lunch with a divorced guy yesterday who found a hotel charge that told him his wife was cheating besides her gambling problem..Believe me, men who have had infidelity in a marriage are not too interested in a repeat.. they are guarding their hearts also. Men also do not want to talk or admit sometimes, they have that ole, what is the matter buddy, didn't ya measure up in bed stuff..

I also want to stress that it doesn't do a lot of good to keep trying and figure out "HIM". What is good is to define who you are and what you want to make you happy. What you want in a good relationship.. that is the up side of divorce, you get to redefine your life, find out what makes you happy. That is the best deterrant to a repeat, that and time to get to know the person. AND he you!

On that note, I reccomend a book authored by someone with the credientals, Lundy Bancroft, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controling Men.. He also has a website and other books. His work is used by therapists and abuse groups. I also want to caution that in long term marriages we all change, never a given that the wonderful man of your dreams you married will stay that way, or you will either.. that is life! Hugs to all!

Hi Kathi,
I've been visiting my daughter, so I've had limited computer access. In my marriage the cheating was financial, not sexual. Would this book still be a good choice?
I also wanted to ask you about wonderbook.com. Do you like this site better than Amazon.com? I practically live on Amazon.com. I bought a Kindle from them, and I love it, even though I'm not good with technology. I think Amazon's customer service is amazing so far, but I'm always interested in finding good sources for books.
I'll home next week, so I'll be able to get back to reading and answering more DS topics. I miss all the great advice!

Zouga: I LOVE wonderbook.com and am lucky because they also have a retail store not far from me, BUT the store is so packed to the rafters, I have trouble even being in there (claustrophobic) much less trying to find what I am looking for.
The thing I like MOST about shopping at wonderbook.com online is that if you do a simple search by author or title, it shows you how many copies of that book they have, what they cost and also shows you how many are available from their distributor (these must be copies that were returned from various retailers). Your order will get to you faster, of course, if all the books you order are in wonderbook's inventory, but the first time I ordered, my choices were from both and it got here in about 6 days.
AND THEIR SHIPPING & HANDLING IS THE CHEAPEST ANYWHERE -- $3.99 for the first book and all others FREE! If you sign up on their mailing list, you get a monthly email. This is how I got 50% off my total order that I placed last week.
Now, the drawback might be that they don't always have all the newest releases, but so far, there's only been one new book that I had to wait and check back for. Two weeks later, they had it. And I always order the less than retail copies and so far, can't find anything wrong with them.
Years ago, I worked at Random House and it was crazy how they couldn't retail a book if say, the bottom edges of the pages weren't all exactly perfect. It didn't effect the content of the book AT ALL, but they could not be sold for retail. I had an entire library from working there...all of those "hurt" books were free to employees. We got to pick 10 every other week when we got paid. Nice perk!

Will be checking this out Kathi...thank you!

My book has arrived. Now to find the time to read it! LOL.

Is it worth it to try to figure out if your X cheated if you filed anyway and he's a jerk?

Just asking (the above) cuz that's my situation. Thanks!