Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I found this article online last evening and it so clearly voices my own opinion on the subject, I felt it worth sharing here.
The Myth of the Amicable Divorce
by Lauren Howard
You can divorce well or you can divorce badly and like with most things, there's a front and a back to both scenarios. How better to ameliorate our shame of our failure than to posture a divorce as a constructive motion toward benevolence? This is a lie you can't live with. In amicable divorce, someone is either compromising too much or they're hiding their animosity. "We've grown apart. No one's to blame." This is yet another lie. Growth, by virtue of itself, is new and different. It is neither predictable nor certain. You enter into marriage with the knowledge that you will traverse growth and navigate your changes as partners. Growing apart means you have stopped partnering. Someone has let go; lost their edge, and now the two parties are in a free fall...separately. So then, how can it be authentic for them to come to the business of divorce as one; unified and together?
When two people enter the ring of divorce with smiles on their faces and a song in their heart, the world around them is left confused and unsure as to what is expected from them. Lawyers can't do their jobs, mediators feel useless. Parents and children are completely bewildered and friends just want to fade away rather than manage this ambivalence. The divorcing couple wants an amicable divorce for the sake of the family, but they are actually making things harder for their families and confusing their children.
Some of the most damaging divorces are the most amicable ones, where the high ground respect and friendship of the Switzerland like ex-couple infiltrates both or either party's future and current relationships. These seemingly benign, friendly divorces create a hostility, jealousy and rancor that often percolates below the surface until it creates its own seismic shift in the landscape of any new, soon to be old, relationships; not to mention the current relationships with friends and families. The friendly divorce is too often based on the rejected party hoping to regain the love of the whistle blower. "I will always love him. He is the Father of my children." Is this meant to be consolation to families or a line of seduction to a prospective paramour? The fact that "the Father of your children" dumped you and gave seed to another woman's child while you were still under the illusion that the two of you were "working it out" is irrelevant. What you are clearly not "working out" is him out of your system, your heart and your rejected self. And until you do, you will be unlovable and unacceptable. You may be divorced, you may be unmarried but you are not available. You are just alone.
Except for your children, who are completely baffled by how their lives got turned upside down while their parents seem to be peachy keen. Taking the high road has taken on new stratospheric heights. Everyone is uncomfortable, except for the un-couple who bask in their "superior" amiability. How well children weather divorce has more to do with how their parents manage their conflict than the actual conflict or breakup itself. But it is simplistic to think that that means Mommy and Daddy should be best friends in order to insure the well being of their children. If they're such good friends, why didn't they stay married? What is marriage, then, is it not friendship? Is it not love? Is it really just about sleeping together? Because that seems to be the only thing that's changed in Mommy and Daddy's relationship. Is this the message about love and marriage that you want to teach your children? An honest relationship post-divorce is hard to attain but it is more important to self and others than any other aspect of the dissolution. Being best friends is not the answer any more than being arch enemies is.
No matter how or why two people come to the divorce table, one thing is for certain. At least one of the two are dissatisfied. And even if they both agree to disagree, in the words of Bob Dylan, "One of us cannot be wrong." There is a big difference between handling disagreement maturely and pretending there is no disagreement. Divorce does not have to be about hate, but it cannot be about love. Divorce is a business deal that is afflicted and compromised by the emotional instruments of the marriage. It is a beginning and it is an end. But it is not something that two people can accomplish while holding hands any more than it can be accomplished at gun point. You can't be afraid to be angry any more than you can be afraid to be kind. Marriage at its best is about love. Divorce at its best is about business. And while one is a union and one is a dissolution of a union, they are not opposites.
The Myth of the Amicable Divorce
by Lauren Howard
You can divorce well or you can divorce badly and like with most things, there's a front and a back to both scenarios. How better to ameliorate our shame of our failure than to posture a divorce as a constructive motion toward benevolence? This is a lie you can't live with. In amicable divorce, someone is either compromising too much or they're hiding their animosity. "We've grown apart. No one's to blame." This is yet another lie. Growth, by virtue of itself, is new and different. It is neither predictable nor certain. You enter into marriage with the knowledge that you will traverse growth and navigate your changes as partners. Growing apart means you have stopped partnering. Someone has let go; lost their edge, and now the two parties are in a free fall...separately. So then, how can it be authentic for them to come to the business of divorce as one; unified and together?
When two people enter the ring of divorce with smiles on their faces and a song in their heart, the world around them is left confused and unsure as to what is expected from them. Lawyers can't do their jobs, mediators feel useless. Parents and children are completely bewildered and friends just want to fade away rather than manage this ambivalence. The divorcing couple wants an amicable divorce for the sake of the family, but they are actually making things harder for their families and confusing their children.
Some of the most damaging divorces are the most amicable ones, where the high ground respect and friendship of the Switzerland like ex-couple infiltrates both or either party's future and current relationships. These seemingly benign, friendly divorces create a hostility, jealousy and rancor that often percolates below the surface until it creates its own seismic shift in the landscape of any new, soon to be old, relationships; not to mention the current relationships with friends and families. The friendly divorce is too often based on the rejected party hoping to regain the love of the whistle blower. "I will always love him. He is the Father of my children." Is this meant to be consolation to families or a line of seduction to a prospective paramour? The fact that "the Father of your children" dumped you and gave seed to another woman's child while you were still under the illusion that the two of you were "working it out" is irrelevant. What you are clearly not "working out" is him out of your system, your heart and your rejected self. And until you do, you will be unlovable and unacceptable. You may be divorced, you may be unmarried but you are not available. You are just alone.
Except for your children, who are completely baffled by how their lives got turned upside down while their parents seem to be peachy keen. Taking the high road has taken on new stratospheric heights. Everyone is uncomfortable, except for the un-couple who bask in their "superior" amiability. How well children weather divorce has more to do with how their parents manage their conflict than the actual conflict or breakup itself. But it is simplistic to think that that means Mommy and Daddy should be best friends in order to insure the well being of their children. If they're such good friends, why didn't they stay married? What is marriage, then, is it not friendship? Is it not love? Is it really just about sleeping together? Because that seems to be the only thing that's changed in Mommy and Daddy's relationship. Is this the message about love and marriage that you want to teach your children? An honest relationship post-divorce is hard to attain but it is more important to self and others than any other aspect of the dissolution. Being best friends is not the answer any more than being arch enemies is.
No matter how or why two people come to the divorce table, one thing is for certain. At least one of the two are dissatisfied. And even if they both agree to disagree, in the words of Bob Dylan, "One of us cannot be wrong." There is a big difference between handling disagreement maturely and pretending there is no disagreement. Divorce does not have to be about hate, but it cannot be about love. Divorce is a business deal that is afflicted and compromised by the emotional instruments of the marriage. It is a beginning and it is an end. But it is not something that two people can accomplish while holding hands any more than it can be accomplished at gun point. You can't be afraid to be angry any more than you can be afraid to be kind. Marriage at its best is about love. Divorce at its best is about business. And while one is a union and one is a dissolution of a union, they are not opposites.
Initial where you both come to the same page on something finally...and that is that you have to move on
Trying to get things divided. Some of the real person begins to come out even more. They'll hurry and drop you off their insurance, go to the bank without you knowing and making huge withdrawals even though they make ten times what you do, etc.
When they have a girlfriend or remarry. After that point, any civility is completely gone because when someone else is in the picture there is a reinforcement for getting even. The third party, if they are of certain caliber, will see to it that every ounce of respect between you is destroyed.
Sometimes this can all happen at once, or sometimes they will have that third party even before you are on the same page. Sometimes, it is hidden from you and you don't find out till later. These three stages aren't necessarily in that order. Sometimes they'll all hit you at once. That's gotta be hard.
Wow!
An old Dr. Phil once quipped to a visiting guest "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"
With the pushing and prodding of attorneys, family members and perspective SO's, its becoming clearer in my situation, that amicable is not going to be a true description.
No contact unless necessary, may very well be the best higher ground move I will make. JMO
My ex husband and I were very unhappy in our marriage after the kids left. We didnt know eachother, didnt know what to do with one another, and neither of us wanted to live like that. So we decided to get a divorce. There was no fighting. I let him take the things he wanted from the house and he let me keep the house. We are still friends, even though we now live in seperate states.
Thanks again,
Tamara
That time of no contact has allowed me to heal enough where my judgment is not impaired by my emotions..time and working on myself has helped with that. Now we are just parents to our children. This works for me. Its my daughters birthday in 2 weeks...its going to be interesting. We have all gone in on a surprise gift for her and we will all be together to celebrate. This will be the first time all of us will be at the dinner table in almost 3 years. I have told myself that if he does or says something inappropriate...I will just have to kill him later... (joking)... Big Hugs..Kathy
I just want you to know that we too were going to be "friends"... and in the process, he started doing things. First it was to tell me he had a girlfriend a month after we separated... turned out to be a lie to try to make me jealous.... all it really did was make me relieved because she (being 22 - him being 48) wasn't in the picture during our marriage (THANK GOD!). Then he wanted the pieces of furniture I loved... like the rocking chair I always enjoyed and he could never use because of his disability. I told him if he was so desperate to have a rocking chair, I'd buy him a better one from the handicap thrift store. Then he said he wanted the puppy I adopted a year ago (we have 3 dogs)... I protested, then he wanted another dog I adopted - he didn't want the one he brought home without asking me... and in the meantime, I thought about how I worked all day long, so I offered splitting the care of the dogs - he have them during the day, me in the evenings and weekends... he agreed... and then hasn't wanted anything to do with them since (it's been 3 months). So as we were drawing up the final papers, he said he wasn't going to be able to take the dogs for another year.... then I said I was going to put in that the dogs would be living with me and he said fine. And then my estranged son came back into the picture... I found out that I was being blamed for the estrangement... accused of having done things that my husband and a friend of his did and THEN was told I was going to be a grandmother and my husband flaunted how I was being excluded. I asked for my son's phone number... my husband refused... I asked for an address... he refused... I learned my son was borrowing my husband's vehicle and I still have a key, so I dropped off a note with a gift for my son and the new baby in it one evening. Turned out a friend of my husband's had borrowed the truck that evening and my husband ended up with the gift. He did tell my son he had it... but then "misplaced" it. So much for our "friendship".
But, my son and I have finally connected... and I won't be talking to my ex (the divorce became final today) anymore.
Lynne