Hi. I don't have children so I don't face that issue but I believe my ex's dysfunctional family and specifically his mother has contributed greatly to his problems in life and the dissolution of our marriage. His family was incredibly dysfunctional. The mother has only been involved with married or taken men. Prior to meeting his father, she was engaged in a 10 year relationship with a pro golfer. Then she met the father but he was engaged in a very long relationship, about 20 years with a woman. Well, he promptly left the woman for her. Then throughout their marriage, she started having a 10 year affair with a married man who worked at the synagogue where she worked. She ended up divorcing the father but they lived together in the same apartment because of financial situations. The married man would come to the house and hang out with her on Friday nights and on Wednesdays while the father remained in the apartment. The divorce was messy and it affected tremendously my husband and his brother. The brother, also cheats on his wife and kids but he has cut ALL contact with his monster of a mother. Clearly,, I wished different for my stbx and me. I truly never cheated and didn't think he would. CLEARLY NOT THE CASE. The truth is that the mother is OBESSESSED WITH MONEY. And she's pretty racist and ENTITLED. I bring this up because she gets a lot of government aid but thinks it's okay because she's not one of those immigrants. For the record, my family of immigrants are hard workers and have NEVER taken a dime from the gov't. We worked hard, sacrifed and safe. We have learned to be contented and try our best. I truly believe my stbx's problem is his SENSE OF ENTITLMENT and of course, his narcissism (which is driven by the entitlement). He simply thinks he should get a better life. This man was a professor and thought he should become a Provost or Dean, but never having worked his way through the ranks. His sense of entitlement really will his undoing, if it hasn't already. He's a user and that comes straight from the mother. HE STAYED AS LONG WITH ME AS LONG AS I FULFILLED A ROLE OR NEED. Once he decided, he wanted something else (like a new family, children,) he threw me to the side and found a 30 year old, very fertile nanny. So user, user, user. This thread came at the right time: I have been thinking about how much he used me and how much the mother always hated me. Thinking how she is CACKLING that her son finally dumped me and is doing it in the most cruel of fashion. She's gotten what she always wanted: her son all for herself. She is his closest confidante. So, sadly in my case at least, the mother really is at the heart of much of his unraveling. I loved him and wanted to help him. He knew I won't leave him and would have cared for him. He just didn't care and said so straight to my face, so whatever happens to him, it's not my responsibility. I cried, begged, pleaded, did EVERYTHING humanly possible to stand by him. It was his decision. Maybe he'll be happy. Maybe, he was really miserable with me and deserves to have a new life. I just don't think he had to be so cruel and try to kill me in the process. He didn't have to go out, find the woman, have sex with her in my home, date us both, then abandon me and ignore me as if I don't exist. These are the things he has done. Whether or not he lives to regret it or karma catches up, I don't know. All I know is I have to pick the pieces up of a 22 year marriage and life where I was used and discarded. He now has the tenure track job, the new woman and his new life ahead of him. He's set. He'll get his kids; he will get the house and who knows she may even be the one. Me? I have to start over. Work on my self-esteem; get his words out of my head that I will amount to nothing. I have to find a full time job and just heal. Happiness is too much to think of right now. I am just hoping for survival. They do damage. Great damage and the truth is they don't care.

I meant she was involved in a 10 year relationship with a married man, who was a pro golfer

I can't really weigh in on the situation for you daughter but my STBX Mother was also self centered and mean. I never met her, his parents dies before we met each other. I did hear from the other family members how awful she was and yes, so is my husband. Out of 5 boys, only 2 are caring and loving, the other 3 had issues and incredible mean streaks. Yes, I am sure she caused that dysfunction.

I guess I was really looking for advice on how my negative attitude toward my ex's family has affected my daughter. She is in a terribly awkward position. Just wondering if there is any way to ease this.

I am lucky; my ex's family still embraces me. As to your daughter, don't comment about them to her, don't take about them negatively as well. Take the high road; you will be glad that you did.

Goldengirl, you reiterated: "I guess I was really looking for advice on how my negative attitude toward my ex's family has affected my daughter."

IMO it's time to back off in that regard. Have faith that your daughter has more than enough information and that, with time and wisdom that comes with a little more age and experience, she will know and embrace the truth about these people. Refrain from bashing them and don't use them as "examples" of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships as all of that will only drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

Just my two cents.

Kid's aren't stupid, she'll see them for what they are. No need to point it out or say it. That can actually make things worse for you and her.
Keep modeling loving compassion, keep providing opportunities to see what "to do" in families instead of what "not to do," and she'll sort it out. Glad your reunion was such a success.

Generally, the best advice when receiving a gift from a family member, is to graciously give thanks without needing to psycho analyzed "the why" and "what for".

Since you are aware your daughter is already struggling with YOUR negative attitude towards her father and his family, certainly, this is calling more added weight /strain to your mother-daughter relationship. If I recall, your daughter is cognitive and a young adult in college. It seems she is beyond the need of causing attention to her father's and his family's character flaws. I hate to say, she might defensively associate the idea of you having had picked her father as your mate at one time...questions your choices.

You might do better in teaching your adult daughter to instead develop discernment for her future upcoming personal relationships.

Tobywinn - Would you graciously give thanks for a partially used Christmas gift card for $7.63? That's what my daughter's lovely aunt gave her for Christmas last year. This aunt is not hurting for money. It was plain and simple, a slap in the face. She wouldn't even own up to it when my ex asked her about it. She is just an awful person.

My daughter is a smart but naive girl. Yes, she's a junior in college and doing well. Her disabilities, however, keep her from fully understanding many situations especially social situations. It is very difficult now that she's 20 to know when to stop explaining the "between the lines" stuff to her. Unless you've had a kid with speciaI needs, you just don't realize how hard that is. I do see that backing off re: comments about my ex-h's family is probably the best thing to do. She's heard enough. It's time to move on.

GG, I agree with the others who have suggested it's time to stop talking about the ex and his family, especially if your daughter is finding herself caught 'in between'. In my experience, all kids want to have relationship with both parents, and children of divorce get caught in between whether they like it or not, and they suffer some self-doubt because of it as well. The thing is, our kids know they are part of each parent, and when they hear one parent being criticised, they wonder if there's something wrong with themselves.

When my girls estranged from me after the divorce, I read an e-book about Parental Alienation which is when one parent tries to influence the kids against the other parent. The author said the only answer is "love and compassion". I took that on board, treated myself and my kids with love, compassion and respect. It was very difficult to stand by and let my kids allow themselves to be co-erced by my ex without defending myself and saying what I wanted to say about him.

However, it was the best advice I ever had. I don't talk about my ex to my kids or anyone else who I can't trust to keep it to themselves. My girls are both reconciled, and they confide in me about things the ex does which are hurtful.

Be there for your daughter when she has to deal with the ex's family. She will see the difference between that family and yours, and she will make her choices. We can't change another person or make them be how we want them to be. We can only be there for them as they, like us, take the paths they were meant to take and deal with the problems they were meant to have.

You sound like a mum who has her kids' best interest at heart and she's lucky to have you.

love and hugs
kamary

I completely understand the compulsion to tell your daughter all about the other family's disfunction (I feel a similar need with respect to educating my kids about how my STBX manipulates and verbally abuses).

Unfortunately, the head-on approach seems to have the unwanted side-effect of putting an invisible barrier up between a person and their kid - maybe it's seen as 'being judgmental' and it makes them wonder in what ways are you critical of them behind their back. Also, per Kamary's point, I think if you're silent, then eventually they'll come confide in you and 'ask for your feedback and advice', which is a much better platform for the dialogue.

Anyway, for myself and my own situation I'm trying to practice the same unconditional loving kindness with them (so they know what a healthy family relationship is based on their experience with me). My daughter has a therapist and I'm hopeful she's getting that sort of info from her. And I'm currently searching for a good therapist for my son to provide him with the same opportunity for psychological education and awareness.

Along similar lines - I'm struggling with if/when/how to reveal some of the secrets my kids don't know about - such as the fact that they have a half-brother (my STBX had a child out of wedlock before I met him) and while my STBX sat on his axx for so many years, I ended up having to pay his child support. My divorce care leader suggested that its a good thing to be honest with your kids and stop keeping the secrets. I already told both my kids about my 1 indiscretion (the 1 thing from my 25-year marriage that I did that I'm regretful and ashamed of). I'd really like to hear feedback from folks about whether to come clean with all the secrets.

Good luck goldengir.

I have the same experience. However, it is important for you to remember that they are her family. Part of her. So anything negative you say will make YOU the bad on in her eyes and heart. Even if she doesn't say so. Leave her be. She will recognize the dysfunction all on her own. Rise above my friend.

Thanks to all for such good advice. I have since backed off of the criticism of the ex's family in front of my daughter. It's better now. Thank you again for your honest opinions and advice. Hard to know what to do sometimes when you're so close to the situation.

We're going to head to Chicago for Thanksgiving to share the holiday with my uncle(mom's side) and my cousins(my dad's side). A 13-hour drive(!)but it will be great fun. We both had a wonderful time with these cousins over the summer at our family reunion and they have invited us to stay with them while we are there. Both my ex and I are working hard at not putting our daughter in the middle of things, as much as possible, and this was a good example. Who to have Thanksgiving with… But, we made it clear to her that her choice - to go with me or to be with her dad - was absolutely fine with both of us. She chose to go with me I think because this may be one of the last chances she'll have to visit with my uncle, who has dementia. I'm proud of her for recognizing this. Perhaps she can spend Christmas Day with her dad.

My heart is shattered in 3 pieces. My daughters part of my heart is intact
She is my rock. The 2/3 of the rest is my 2 sons. They live 25 min from me and have not spoken to me in 3 months. They were before their father came to go hunting with them. That family, husband, sister and nephew are evil. When i was talking to boys anything I said was put on the grapevine and not at all what I said. So I didnt say anything I didnt want repeated. The boys and his evil sister think i took all their fathers money in the divorce. The fact is I am the one on the short end. My personal items were kept and i got junk. Because of my lawyer I got 1/2 of his pension and half the house and he had to keep me on insurance. He hid his valuable gun collection with the boys help. He kept all boats, trailorsn harley and all furniture, some . antique furnitue collectibles and about 20000 in cash. Not counting half of savings. I am so angry that my boys treat me this way as i always protected them. My one sons children 27, 26 and 23. Blocked me on facebook because i post spiritual items. Javent heard from them either. I want to let it go, but i keep thinking of my shattered familymthey didnt have to take sides. My daughter didnt. Any gems of wisdom? I am so sad but grateful to God for staying with me.

sandivan...there are three support groups on DS you may want to check out - PEACE (Parents of Estranged Adult Children Everywhere); Estranged Parents of Adult Children and Christian Parents of Estranged Adult Children. These may help you.

I am sorry your sons have done this to you...divorce wreaks havoc on everyone. I AM glad you have God in your heart. HE will be your strength throughout this difficult time in your life. God bless.

HUGSS
SO