Fatal,

My ex told me much of the same things and I had many of the same questions. She still has many ugly things to say to me but I have reached a point where I told myself that she will no longer hurt me.

We were married for 24 years and I can not believe that it was as bad as she says. I loved her more than anything in the world and she cast me aside like an old rag.

All I can tell you is that you have to lilve and do right for you. Talk to all of us on DS and together we can help you. Or we will do our best to do so.

Good luck to you and God Bless.

Fatal, I am sorry your having to continue to deal with this crap from him...I believe that they do this to make themselves feel better....They know inside what they have done so in order to get passed that they make us out to be the awful ones!

My ex has told me so many of the same things.....It seems to be a common thread...Hold your head high and know without question you are a good woman!!

I believe that at some point the reality of what they have done will hit them, maybe not for a long time, but we reap what we sow!!

Hugs my friend

My husband told me pretty much the same stuff, "Our marriage was never that good...we should have done this years ago." I do think it helps them to alleviate their guilt. I am sorry for you. All of us on here pretty much know what you are going through one way or another. When mine would say mean things to me I didn't say anything, I just listened. There was no way I was going to stoop to his level and respond to any of it. Then, afterwards, I would cry, yell, and curse him out to my family and friends. I hope that one day he will look back on all this and know that I acted with grace and rationality every step of the way. Love and hugs to you!

I certainly didn't respond with grace when my divorce proceedings and separation was new. I hate looking back remembering the rude things I said, as I never like to be rude or unkind intentionally. My ex also said he hadn't been happy for YEARS, well if they cared they should have spoken up and helped things get better. I just don't think my ex really knows how or what would make him happy any more. He's the looser, but unfortunately we all are.I hate he's speaking rudely to you, you don't deserve it. Hugs to you

He is torturing you with his words and playing on your insecurities. I would guess the words he is saying may not even ring true to him most of the time.

For one example, if he KNEW deep down in his heart that OW was so much of an improvement, he wouldn't have to keep saying it out loud to you and himself in order ot convince himself it might possibly seem true. Instead, he realizes that she is lacking in character by definition because she took up with a cheater (or wife abandoner) and that she exploited him at his worst, not his best moment. They will never have the youthful innocence you two had together. They will never have untainted love. She will never be a true mother to those 3 beautiful kids. If somehow they do manage to stay together anything approaching 22 years (and all the odds are aginst that because second marriages do not have good track records) they will be old fogies, not the young lovers you were with him. It's a second rate relationship and will never approach what you had. It just can't. I might be okay for them, but it cannot replace your marriage. Just can't!

Bottom line, doesn't matter much to him what he said and whether it's true. He's saying it primarily for effect: the truth or falsity is irrelevant to him. The only point is that it makes him feel like he has the upper hand when he says cruel things to you and sees your hurt reaction. Your pain is like a drug that feeds his sense of power and control. Don't let him see the pain and you won't feed the monster inside him.

Who care about him anyway? Sure, you could say something like, "You know, I couldn't agree with you more! In fact, my girlfriends and I were laughing over it when we went out for drinks with some young gentlemen just last night. My friends pointed out all your physical flaws and unsophisticated traits that annoying way you have of talking about yourself all the time. We were just laughing and laughing until we cried. And when I told them about your penis, you know the way it's so peculiar. Well, they all said I should thank my lucky stars I didn't have to bother with that silly dick anymore or the other silly dick attached to it. In fact, one of them said she knew you from work and you are the laughing stock of the office. She said exactly what you said, when I see what's out there I will regret having wasted my time on such a silly little man. And I do mean little," waving your pinkie.

Of course, you would never say this. He is not worth the breath. You know you don't have to hurt him to feel better about yourself. You could hurt him with words, just like you could physically hurt him or steal from him or worse. You choose not to do it because you are healthy yourself. You do not have a problem. He does.

So thank your lucky stars that you are not a wounded, insecure creature like him.

Now what IS important is to invalidate every word he said and replace them with affirmations. If he said you were a bad wife, make a list of ways you were a great wife and more importantly the ways you excel at being in relationships in general. If he compares you to OW, make a list of 20 unique qualities you love about yourself. If he says 22 years was a waste, make a list of all the awesome things you got out of the relationship starting w/ 3 kids. FOR SURE, make a list of the ways you are an excellent mom.

He is right about one thing: there are good things out there. Not for him; for you. Make a list of all the great people and things you are enjoying now that you are not wasting your time on him. A gratitude list. Think of the ways you were "in prison" with him and now you are free. There are tons of things to be grateful for and don't you forget them or you will go back to prison someday, somehow.

I am in a very similar situation and a lot of pain. I know this is all easier said than done, but it's my take for you to take or leave as you see fit.

Validating yourself is your ticket to freedom and peace.

Best wishes and dreams for your future!

He has no other choice than to blame you because if he looks at himself than he would have to blame himself and that's not going to happen.

I hope to say this loud and clear to you - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU WERE A GOOD WIFE AND A WONDERFUL MOTHER. HE IS THE ASSWIPE AND HE'S LOOKING FOR JUSTIFICATION WITH WHAT HE'S DONE - SINCE HE CANNOT LOOK AT HIMSELF, HE WILL LOOK TO LAY ALL THE BLAME AT YOUR FEET. DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM.

Fatallove - please hold your head high and tell him to kiss off. Please do not let him destroy your self esteem along with destroying your security. He is NOT worth it and you are so deserving of much more.

Hugs to you hon. Hang in there - it will get better, I promise.

I think they say cruel things in order to alleviate their guilt and also to further convince themselves they made the right decision when they left. Of course they only see the good qualities in the OW and only remember the bad things from their marriage...this justifies in their head that they were right. My ex was not terribly rude or angry, just indifferent. The cold indifference was worse, in some ways, than if he had hated me...hate, at least, is just as powerful emotion as love. Indifference just shows how much they really don't care. I have come to the conclusion that my ex has sociopathic tendencies as in he does not show any remorse for having hurt me and his daughters this much. My advice to you is to try to have as little contact as possible with the jerk...let your lawyer deal with him.

NO CONTACT. Do not talk to him. Everything should be done via email or text. This has nothing to do with you. He wants to break you down. He is such an ass. Don't let him win and don't second guess yourself.

How can my stupid ass ex insist that the OW had nothing to do with his leaving me, and that he would have left anyway, when they had a couple of years of an affair before he said he "was done" with me? Do any of you think I should believe that load of crap?

omg. that is the worst. What a horrible thing to say to someone you loved once!

They cannot be honest with themselves... to do so would require admitting they are dirtbags. So they lash out rather than accept the guilt they deserve. Rewrite history.

Could anyone bring back up to top the counselor story that was posted about vindictive ex's??

So glad to hear you are getting counseling for the kids!!! Some for you would be good too. As little contact as possible is best for you--he'll just keep verbally abusing you.

Hugs,
L

I must agree completely with goingon. ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. I mean, hang up the phone, delete the emails, GOOD RIDDANCE. This man is a narcissistic misogynist who enjoys hurting you and blaming you, thinking it will reduce his guilt. Someday this will haunt him, if he has a soul or a concience at all. BLOCK HIM OUT AND PROTECT YOURSELF! Deal with him only through the lawyers if necessary. With time, if things calm down, there is a remote chance of resuming a cordial relationship if you have children. Right now, you must protect yourself from his contemptuous, inhumane behavior and his self-serving lies.

Keep contact with us here, with friends who reinforce, love and support you. I remember feeling so fragile at that period -- protect yourself and surround yourself with support.

He's rewriting the marriage history to justify his cheating. Don't buy into it. My stbx would try to say the same thing--that he's never been happy (oh really, what about all those pictures we have where you're smiling), that's we stopped loving each other (speak for yourself, I loved you, still do), etc.

They have to blame us so they don't have to carry that guilt.

When he starts this crap simply stop him. That is what I've done to stbx. He would start to say, "I could tell you some things about yourself if you want to hear them" and I would say "No, don't say anything about me. You're the one who cheated and nothing I did justifies that." Shut them down. When he starts speaking with disrespect, ask him to leave or hang up the phone.

Hugs, hugs, hugs. Shame they have to be such assholes.

What an ass! They all do this, and if it weren't so fu....ing painful it would be an interesting psychological study. They must start out thinking that what they are doing is wrong, but then are able to brainwash themselves into believing a totally different reality. They know that they hurt us, feel bad about it (??) so they hurt us some more?

I'm just so confused - aren't we all.

Go to the top of this site and click on the news section. An article or two down you will find one that explains this. Hugs.