Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi all,
About a month ago I wrote asking if there was a possibility if I could be divorced without knowing it. You all gave me various advice and information but I didn't follow through. I don't know why - perhaps I still felt there was hope he would want to come back or I just didn't want to know. So many thoughts went through my mind. Today I received a curt email from him (it's been almost a year since we had any contact at all) and he told me he filed and that all I had to do was pick up papers at post office. I don't need to sign anything as he had a legal separation filed 2 months after he ended marriage and I just signed because I was in the middle of a breakdown in bed from the blindsighting he did by phone after 34 years of marriage.
I don't know how I feel. When I read the one-line email this morning my blood froze and I felt so shocked again. I don't know why since we have been separated for almost 2 years and I have really tried to move on in my life. But I guess the finality is finally here and I probably have been dreading it. I wanted to file but felt that I didn't want to pay for it since it was his decision anyway. The only reason I would have filed is to beat him to it (purely an ego thing but who cares anymore about that?) and change my last name back to my maiden. Now I can do that if I want to.
I just wanted to keep you up-to-date since I did ask about that. I admit today has been very hard and I am struggling to look at the positive in all of this but this was a day I had been dreading. At least I got it over with but the smallest flicker of hope is now over. Oh well today life is so sad but tomorrow is another day. Never ever thought I'd be a divorced woman. I absolutely hate that title! Makes me feel like a failure even though I intellectually know that is untrue. But I was a failure with my marriage. Maybe in my next relationship I can do better! Thanks for everything as always. I love all of you!
Hugs,
Donna
PS: Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this blow specifically? Or if I should change my name? I have had it for 36 years now.
About a month ago I wrote asking if there was a possibility if I could be divorced without knowing it. You all gave me various advice and information but I didn't follow through. I don't know why - perhaps I still felt there was hope he would want to come back or I just didn't want to know. So many thoughts went through my mind. Today I received a curt email from him (it's been almost a year since we had any contact at all) and he told me he filed and that all I had to do was pick up papers at post office. I don't need to sign anything as he had a legal separation filed 2 months after he ended marriage and I just signed because I was in the middle of a breakdown in bed from the blindsighting he did by phone after 34 years of marriage.
I don't know how I feel. When I read the one-line email this morning my blood froze and I felt so shocked again. I don't know why since we have been separated for almost 2 years and I have really tried to move on in my life. But I guess the finality is finally here and I probably have been dreading it. I wanted to file but felt that I didn't want to pay for it since it was his decision anyway. The only reason I would have filed is to beat him to it (purely an ego thing but who cares anymore about that?) and change my last name back to my maiden. Now I can do that if I want to.
I just wanted to keep you up-to-date since I did ask about that. I admit today has been very hard and I am struggling to look at the positive in all of this but this was a day I had been dreading. At least I got it over with but the smallest flicker of hope is now over. Oh well today life is so sad but tomorrow is another day. Never ever thought I'd be a divorced woman. I absolutely hate that title! Makes me feel like a failure even though I intellectually know that is untrue. But I was a failure with my marriage. Maybe in my next relationship I can do better! Thanks for everything as always. I love all of you!
Hugs,
Donna
PS: Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this blow specifically? Or if I should change my name? I have had it for 36 years now.
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
but now I am me, a rose by any name is still a rose. It is your choice. think it over for awhile.
If I were there I would take you out to a funny movie and give you lots of hugs.
Dee
There's another side of this coin though: you have a shiny, clean, brand spankin' new start in your life, and you get to make your choices on how you want to do it. If you always wanted to be the funny person, or the kind person, or the best baker in the office, or that woman that read all the best books, or the woodworker of the neighborhood, you get to do it now, no holds barred.
I'm sending hugs your way too. Hope the blessings in your new life out weigh the sadness of the old very soon.
Instead of calling myself divorced, I say "Single Again!" It's a whole new life. A do-over! You can make your own rules and change them if you want. Lots of freedom in that.
We're with you my dear to continue to support you in this next part of the journey. Big hugs coming your way. xoxox
I'm single again.... we're single again.... moving forward in our new lives. It doesn't change where we are, with all the trials, challenges and healing we still need to go through, but it makes it sound much more likely that we will get through them, to a better, healthier, good place. Single again.... not alone, not divorced, just single once more.
Thanks for sharing that one Cowgirl!
With regards to changing your name. At first I didn't think I wanted to since I had the ex's last name longer than my maiden name but after about 9 months of no contact and really seeing him for what he was (a lying, cheating, no good jerk), I no longer wanted his name. The laws in my state are kind of archaic when it comes to name changing unless you decide the day you get divorced.
If you're on the fence, you should check the laws in your state to find out how long you have to change your mind or if it needs to be included on the divorce decree. Changing my mind turned out to be a very time consuming, and expensive process.
Hugs to you. I know the finality of it stinks but like NMMama said, you are now free to start a whole new life.
ilostitinthedivorce.com
You'll get there Donna - it takes time.
Hugs,
Newly re-singled :)
it is good day to be thrown away
by a person whose words betray
that is reality as it is now
everything about you was, is, and will be solid
look at the photos you have in your profile
look at the lives that roots still draw from you
you are pretty dam special
maybe you won't meet someone who values you
you are now free of someone that has foolishly devalued you
so much so that it tricked you into devaluing yourself
it is a good day
because that trick NOW should not last
it is good day for you Donna
maybe you can meet yourself and see how valuable you are
that would make for a fine day
a real day
I remember how strongly I felt the finality of the divorce once the judge signed it. It was an immense sadness that settled over me. Over time it lessened into acceptance and then it morphed into possibility. You now have a blank canvas on which to paint your new life. Whatever you want to do or be or try, it's all up to you. Try your best not to see your divorce as a failure. Instead, look at it as a chapter in your life that was complete and needed to end. I think that the fact that it's official will actually help you move on. If you keep holding onto the possibility of reconciliation, you stay stuck. Now, you are completely free to live your new life. Turn that page and write the rest of your story however you want!!! I can't wait to see how it all plays out.
I did change my name back, and I'm so glad I did. I didn't want to forever carry his name. I wanted a blank slate, a fresh start. But, it's a personal decision that only you can make.
Sending you lots of love and hugs.
I wonder why it's taking so long? I would have thought you would have received the papers long ago if it was filed 2 years ago? Might pay to check at your local PO and see if they're holding anything for you.
The sadness is totally to be expected. Many years of your life have come to an end and everything is new now. Please don't blame yourself. It sounds like you did everything you could to make your marriage work. The problem is not yours.
I love what MNMama said about new beginnings now, and I also love CGK's description 'single again'. I'm going to use that, too. It feels weird telling people I am divorced.
I did the usual when my divorce went through and I received the papers. I had intended having a celebration, but in the end, I just sat at home, quiet, sad, and hopeful of better days all at the same time. A friend came by with champagne and we shared a small glass together. A toast to better days and the end of the miserable days of negotiation.
I thought briefly about changing my name but decided that I was divorcing my ex, not his family, and this is the name of my children, so no change for me.
Any room in that picture theatre for me?
lots of love and big hugs
kamary