Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
So, the last time I posted, I mentioned that the stbx was basically harassing me (through our mediator) about hurrying up my attorney to finish the settlement so we can come to an agreement. Well, with my attorney's approval, I okayed the settlement. I then provided the mediator with all of the remaining information that she needs to write up the final settlement so I can sign and he can go file for his divorce. In my last email to the mediator (she suggested we have to meet/or have a phone conference.) I mentioned my preference that I would prefer it to be a phone conference SEPARATELY. Anyway, on my end, I have done all I need to do. Well, won't you believe the loser has YET to provide the information he needs so we can finally have her make the final settlement that we can sign off on. He sent an email saying he would get to it but that's about 5 days ago. The point is what's taking so long? You would think after all of his harassment to hurry up and get it over with, he would have done his part.
His dragging of his feet makes me nervous. He got everything he wanted and I did so, as well. No one scammed anyone. He was planning on not getting a lawyer and just agree to the settlement; maybe he has gotten one just to look at it because the mediator said he'd have to sign some waver that she advised him to get a lawyer and he didn't.
I figure he must be with the OW and living it up, so he'd probably get to the settlement next week or maybe he's finally moving or who knows. The problem is when people don't act the way you are accustomed to, it rattles you. I don't know what he is up to and it makes me so nervous. Here, I had gotten to the point where I made peace with what I have to do. I have been dealing with my new reality and pain. I just don't need him to play any more games. He wanted the divorce. I have agreed to the settlement. I just don't want it dragging out because the more it drags out the more pain I am in. It's a setback to see the emails. I just get into bed and it's hard to get out. Everyday I am just surviving. I don't need him to be playing any more games. He should just sign and file for the divorce. I have accepted my new reality and I also never want to see him again. I just need to get this behind me and try as best as I can to put a life together.
His dragging of his feet makes me nervous. He got everything he wanted and I did so, as well. No one scammed anyone. He was planning on not getting a lawyer and just agree to the settlement; maybe he has gotten one just to look at it because the mediator said he'd have to sign some waver that she advised him to get a lawyer and he didn't.
I figure he must be with the OW and living it up, so he'd probably get to the settlement next week or maybe he's finally moving or who knows. The problem is when people don't act the way you are accustomed to, it rattles you. I don't know what he is up to and it makes me so nervous. Here, I had gotten to the point where I made peace with what I have to do. I have been dealing with my new reality and pain. I just don't need him to play any more games. He wanted the divorce. I have agreed to the settlement. I just don't want it dragging out because the more it drags out the more pain I am in. It's a setback to see the emails. I just get into bed and it's hard to get out. Everyday I am just surviving. I don't need him to be playing any more games. He should just sign and file for the divorce. I have accepted my new reality and I also never want to see him again. I just need to get this behind me and try as best as I can to put a life together.
Hurry up and wait for him.
I know it is a control issue on their part - they want us to hurry up and do our part but then they act like they are too busy to wrap things up. I really do believe they are savoring the last little bit of control they have over the situation. This is it. After the paperwork is signed there is nothing more to do. The relationship is severed and there is nothing else they can do to hurt us. And believe me, they know this.
My ex has been pulling the same mind game with me. It is so unfair but what can we do? Try not to let it bother us - know that this is the last time we will ever have to suffer at their hands. Hang on - we've come this far - and will get through it.
Remember - they will NEVER be truly happy - they took the easy way out - they are not capable of feeling the depth of emotions about ANYONE that we are - and I know for myself that I don't want to be with someone who is capable of inflicting such trauma on another person.
I will be praying for you as I am for myself - who would've thought we'd come this far? We are strong and will be okay. I know we are both stronger and better people than either of our STBX's are. We are doing the hard work that it takes to recover, and if we survive this we can get through anything.
Love, good thoughts, and hugs to you, my friend.
He knows you well. How you react under stress and a divorce is the most stressful thing you can go thru. So he did a hurry up on you and now he has you and the mediator waiting on him.
My ex N would be gloating with all the imagined distress your ex is causing you. The best thing you can do is act like this is not bothering you. I know how hard that is to do. Don't send him a ton of mail about this. Nothing from you. Wait about another week and have your atty or mediator write to him again.
He's just playing games with you. I can tell you first hand that you will learn to ignore his stupid ego games. I'm so sorry you are caught up in his sick bid for attention. Even bad attention will make an N happy.
Yet, part of it can be the typical stalling out -- believe me, they really DON'T want to sign away ANYTHING to you. For some reason, even though they may want the divorce, they tend to think that all the assets are THEIRS and THEIRS ALONE. And when the time comes to sign away anything, they choke.
I would not contact him any more about this. Play it cool; keep your cards close to the vest. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are rattled about this.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
My heart hurts for you as I know all about very hurtful mind games. I won't go into details because that would be going backwards & I chose to go forward.
A positive for you is that you are clearly further along in the legal process than I am. Cheers to You!!! I am not a drinker, never have been ... 1 drink is all I need, all night. But on the day my divorce is ever final, I will be celebrating that the nightmare is over. Big congrats to you on your progress!!!
My stbx is also a narcissist & could care less about the pain that he has caused my self & my family. Like you, I have to continue to tell myself that I am not responsible for his actions. I can not control his actions but I can control mine. I have to learn not to re-act to things that I have no control over. Count to 10 & just breathe ... deeply. :) You are an intelligent & amazing woman, don't let this man bring you down any longer. ..... "Your words can't bring me down. Don't you bring me down today." - Christina Aguilera
You have made so much progress, pat your self on the back & move forward with a smile. :) TCB
Know that the day of settlement is not far away and you can do this. Take lots of deep breaths and concentrate on seeing that settlement signed sealed and delivered just as it is. Once you imagine it all over, see yourself in your new life, calm, happy, at peace, loving yourself just as you are.
I know it's hard to get out of bed. One good way to beat that problem is.... get out of bed:) (I'm not being facetious here. You know me by now.) Make yourself put on your walking shoes and go outside in the sunlight for a walk. It might only be to the end of your driveway and back. It doesn't matter how far. You could go around your house. One lady in Australia is famous for walking to her clothesline, then walking around her clothesline for as many turns as she could manage. Exercise and sunlight are two of your best friends. They'll be glad to see you, and you'll be glad you did it.
Depression, fear and anxiety are all natural responses to the situation you're in at the moment. It's ok to feel any emotion, any feeling of dread, any sadness or hopelessness. If you don't acknowledge them, they will start to get louder, so you may as well accept that they are with you for the moment - on your terms. They can go for the walk too:)
Lots of love and huge hugs
kamary
Let your attorney wait on your ex to do what he needs. Whether he's checking with a lawyer, out of town, sick in bed, or having one more temper tantrum doesn't matter.
What matters is how you take care of yourself while you're waiting. You've come so far, PickingUp. You have self care tools, ways to focus on blessings, work, students, family, your nephew. Think about, and control what you have in your hands to control.
Eat well, take that walk around the clothesline (Love that Kamary!!), or around the block. Treat yourself to a double caramel latte with sprinkles, or a fresh squeezed glass of grapefruit juice and a bagel. Write yourself a love letter spelling out how may good things you bring to people in your world. Paint a picture or take in a movie. Whatever you do, leave what you don't have control over in the hands of God and those responsible for action right now. You needn't worry over it, or at least, do more than acknowledge the feeling, and then set it aside.
The end is in sight, and it's hard to wait, but it is in sight. You've come so far, you've grown stronger and wiser. It's just a bit more, you can do this, and more than that, you can do this with grace.
I am still waiting on the settlement and I will wait. Yes, the end is near and let him get to it when he is ready. But I expect he will get to it today since it was a long weekend.
I know to expect it but it will hurt when I see it. I will cry. yes, I know this and my heart will break. I will however NOT curl up in bed. I will find a way to be productive and be gentle with myself and I will remember my friends here. Thanks for everything
Take it a day at a time!