Pickingup. What you said is true "He's gone. he's gone. He has been gone for a long time. The sadness is debilitating. I am feeling it and living through it. No matter what happens, life has changed. He's gone and I am on my own. Not only that, the WAY he did it has been so abusive and heinous that he has left me picking up the pieces on so many fronts: its not just the loss of what I thought was my soul mate. It's now the death of my marriage. It's the infidelity. It's abandonment". I know it was painful to write and then to see these words. But it's true. The wonderful thing, however, is that eventually, the pain will be less and less but by you acknowledging it, it starts becoming real. Grieve it. Feel it, It's how you will get through it. It truly is debilitating at times. When I think back on my 2 1/2 years that it took me to go through the worst of it, I am thankful I survived, but it was touch and go for a while. But these wonderful people on DS saved my life. They were my lifeline as well. We've all been there and reading your posts and your honesty, I know you will be one of the ones that not only survives, but you will eventually THRIVE. There is no doubt. Do your work, grieve your loss, nurture yourself, and get through this nightmare. There is joy and love and freedom and peace on the other end. It's been 9 years for me now since he left and I am SO THANKFUL for where I am and that I worked hard to process the divorce and come out whole.

Big hugs for your journey.

Dear Caligirl and jilhost, thanks. It feels like a nightmare. Sometimes, I still feel so shellshocked. I can't believe this is happening. This just can't be. But it is. Today, he demanded that the attorney put into the divorce decree that I change my address and my mail doesn't go there. I don't understand his sheer stupidity. I changed my address in the most important places but I still have magazines that will go there. Truthfully, I dont' even remember the names of the magazines and most, if not all, of the subscriptions will run out soon. I mean what an idiot. I said, why not just throw them out? I finally gave him written permission to go to the post office and change the address so he can have all of my magazines (!) forwarded to Florida. I said I have accommodated you enough and I don't plan on making a special trip to the post office where you live to change it. I think you guys are right. He either is digging at me or he simply doesn't want to remember I ever existed. Well, too bad, I am in his mind. Getting magazines there will not change that--and if it's a matter of the other woman, well, if she is pathetic enough to move into my home, where I bought every piece of furniture, then she should live with some of my old magazines going there..HE AND THE SKANK CAN ALWAYS MOVE

Please watch out. My ex had my address changed after I moved out......to his office address! I didn't find out for several months. He had been getting all my mail.
Don't trust him to do what he says he will do. Do it yourself
These guys are so low you have no idea what they might be up to.
Protect yourself and do not give him any personal information.

Hi Jljlost, thanks for letting me know. I actually did change it myself. Funny, but he actually addressed me in this email. Amazing when he REALLY wants something done, he will discover civility. I changed the address. So hopefully none of my mail should be going to his home.

Honey most of my thoughts have been covered well by others but I know when I was on this site looking desperately for answers, I gobbled up every word and response so here goes: you need to stop caring and stop sweating the small stuff. His style of communication, his this , his that...it's NOT ABOUT YOU!!!

He is angry and needy and whatever the hell else he is. He wants to hurt you because it's all he knows how to do. So don't let him. That's ridiculous, of course, but what i'm getting at is you need to start overlooing his silliness. His behaviour is getting exactly what he wants: to irritate and annoy and hurt you. So acknowledge it and move the heck on! It's early days for you and all of his tactics are giving you pain, but I promise you that as time goes by, you'll get better at dismissing his immature behaviour and actually laugh at it.

He is a total goofball! He lost honey. He is scared for himself and lashing out at you because you are his whipping boy. You're vulnerable. He's like an animal going in for the kill. You are bleeding and he can smell it from afar. Don't show that you are hurt. I like that you are continuing to reply all re the mediator. Keep doing that. Rise above it as my granny used to say! YOU WIN IN THE END!!!!

hugs of support

Dear iammine, thank you. What you, and everyone here said, is of true. This damn heart! If only the head would take over. I am working on it. There are some good days and there are still the killer. But I have done one very important thing for me: NO CONTACT. Though I am not sure if I had much of a choice since the last interaction I had with him (not the mediation), he BARKED at me to never text him. He did this as I scurrying away from the car, totally beaten by his cruelty. Well, so you know, I KNOW NO CONTACT IS FOR MY OWN SURVIVAL AND I AM DOING IT! Yesterday, a college called his home and left a message for me. He texted and emailed me about it. While I was happy he had the decency to contact me, I DID NOT RESPOND. Sorry, but I don't think he deserves a thank you---after abusing, using and cheating and abandoning me, I did not pick up that phone NOR DID I WANT TO. Small steps but stills steps.

What you are having a hard time wrapping your head around as far as him not discarding as if you never existed was very hard to wrap my head around too. This is a narcissist trait . You were his prey. Just like a vampire. They suck the life out of you until their is nothing left. To them you are not a human being you are an object just there for their needs. Once you are no longer useful to them they throw you away as if you never existed. What made it hard for me to get about this kind of person who has a deep personality disorder is they do not feel or think or care they way normal human beings do. They have one agenda getting their needs met at any cost. There will always be the next victim because they are a shell of a person, empty. So in order to survive just like a vampire they have to feed. They feed off of others emotions cause they have none of their own. Anything you thought you loved in this person was only an illusion that he used like bait to catch you in his web. Any kind thing he did was to keep you in his web for his own survival as he destroys you emotionally, physically and spiritually. It took me 5 years to figure this out. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that my whole marriage was just an illusion. He was the master of masks and I was the puppet. Now he has found a new puppet to play with, and I am free to be a human being again !!! :)

Hugs, my friend. Everyone has said it so well. My ex is the same. I was sitting right across from him at my granddaughter birthday party and I just forgot he was there. I talked to everyone but him and his mother. Like I tell everyone when they see their ex, just smile, turn around and walk away. Head held up high, giggling, with a nice spring to their steps. Cry when you are alone. You are going to be fine. Really and truly fine.

One thing you have to get thru in you head is a N cant love anyone not even himself. For his survival he must rely on his next prey . Like I said hard to wrap you head around. They do not have a concept with in of feelings of love, kindness, caring etc They only mimic what they read from others emotions so they can feed of that person. Go to youtube and type in narcissism there is so much on youtube about this topic that can explain better then I can.

My ex did the same stuff. Keep moving forward. Continue no contact and ignore him! Believe me, that will drive him nuts because he will realize he has no control over you. It hurts now but eventually you will heal and you won't give a rat's ass about him because you will be free to live life on your terms.

Sending hugs!

Its not easy going through this.
My x once told me while we were nigociating that she knew
my triggers. What a a thing to tell someone that you've been with for 38 years... She told me that my crying was just emotionally black mailing her.… ohhhhhh, I laugh at it now....? I think what a fool she was....? How lost... How you could give up all your moral's.... Everything that you knew was right..a
L your life.... Your religion. . she gave that all away... How foolish..... You see..... I lost noting.... I still have all my good beliefs..... I think that day......she lost more then I did...
Anyway..... You're doing OK....
Someday you will laugh at what he's doing now.... He doesn't know what he's doing to himself now that will effect him all his life.…. That someday will haunt him. Do your best.
Bob

Really appreciate all of your help. I really wanted a man's perspective too, so thanks Timeman. I think often men see it more than we can. I remember when I was in Florida from day one, a very good male friend said to me, it's guilt. he feels sorry. Now I know it was because he was cheating on me. Sorry about your triggers Timeman. It is especially cruel that they enjoy hurting us. Sad for them really. Says a lot about their dead souls. I remain amazed at the lengths my ex is going to to just make me disappear, so I am not surprised that your ex, Timeman, has given up her religion and morals. Today, I got up and was crying so much. Got down on my knees and prayed. Best thing I can do. When I can't take it anymore, down on my knees I go and give it to the Lord. I didn't know how I would make it through the day. Well, guys, I am. I found that I can watch Indian movies on Youtube! So guess what? I found one of my favorites and I have been watching it while I grade my papers! So see, God finds a way. I actually felt okay. There was one scene in the movie that just made me weep. You see, I loved taking care of him, but apparently, it was never enough. He complained that I wasn't cooking and cleaning as much as I should. So, when I came back from Florida, I made him a meal from scratch. It was so wonderful. When I saw him, I asked him if he wanted the food I cooked and you know what he said? NO! I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID FOOD! It's okay. You should never refuse food when it is given. In my upbringing, food is love. Sadly, one day he will pine for a meal from me but it will go to a man who appreciates me. Surely, someone would love my chicken catatorie...

I'm sure that day will come, PU. You're doing well. I think you're going to be just fine.

love and hugs
kamary