Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I am in a relationship with a wonderful man for one year and 1/2 now. He has gone thru the same thing I have gone thru only maybe not exactly in the same way. We have so much in common but there are things that are beginning to bother me. I dont know if they are red flags or things that can be settled or maybe its just me that I am getting to paronoid with things since the trauma I have suffered with my ex. He is close to his family but has two sisters that seem very intrusive in his life. That is just one thing. They call him constantly and want to know his whereabouts almost as if they have no life of their own. They are both married but like they dont let him grow up and have a life. His first wife took him far away to Georgia to live to take him away from the family. I dont want to separate him from his family. I get along with them all but it becomes really annoying at times and i dont know if i can handle that when and IF we were to get married. Then there's the ex wife I am concerned about. Although he says I should not be concerned I am. She is in Georgia but she is a really mean horrific woman who curses him out at times really bad. I cant stand the drama and I dont want her in his life at all after his divorce is finally finalized. I dont think they should be having any contact if its over its over. His kids are grown and they are 20 yrs old twin boys who are in college. If they need anything they have cell phones and they can call their father. She should NOT be in the picture at all. This is what happened to me in the past. She was in the picture and there was contact through the son who is 32 and thats how they got back together and my ex is with is ex in Florida. So far distance didnt separate them. I have no contact with my ex at all. My kids call him and I dont know anything else. I believe when you divorce and its over ITS OVER. It is done!!!!!!!! So thats another issue. Right now he is living with his parents in NJ and i live in the Bronx. He has already processed the divorce papers and we are just waiting. I think sometimes he really knows what he wants. He says if he didnt want to marry me he would have not even started the divorce process and I so want to believe him. He treats so good and is so attentive to me and is always with me when he gets a chance. We see each often. He sends me flowers he is excellent but I am letting these things bother me. He says once the divorce is finalized it is a matter of months but then he says he wants to save 5,000 as a cushion; he wants to wait until January of next year, and I feel sometimes he is just stalling. What is he afraid of? Is he not sure or is it me? I even stopped giving him sex because I think I was making it too easy for him. And if he wants to do it right then marry me. He said that was fine. I am moving out of my apartment next month. Will not be renewing my lease. Moving in with a male friend who is doing me the favor until i can save for another apartment. My boyfriend is not happy with this arrangement and now says he will have to step up to the plate. Oh well; am i suppose to put my life on hold until YOU feel you are ready or what? I am tired of the long rugged road and the waiting. I will not pressure no man into marrying me so he can throw that in my face in the future should we have an argument of some kind but really now. Does he want to or not marry me? What do you think?
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
Your dating a man that was married, are you the "other woman"? He would not have even started a divorce if he did not want to marry you?
His sisters are nosey, he lives with his parents and you consider marriage?
I think it sounds like the whole relationship is one huge red flag, unless i'm misunderstanding something.
I am NOT THE OTHER WOMAN. He did not leave his wife because of me. She left him. Neither one of us asked to be divorced. Our spouses made that decision for us.
When we started this relationship we both were very wounded. His wife left in July...I left..or was kicked out in Sept...he and I met in July but didnt get together until Nov. We sailed along really well for about a year...we helped each other out and we were there for each other to help heal. It was wonderful. As time went on and we healed...we also started to become independent of each other. We were still talking about a future but somehow it was loosing its zeal. Neither one of us could put our finger on it...we still enjoyed each others company...we got along really well but life seemed to be taking us in separate directions. It was just getting weird.
In Feb we had a really good heart to heart talk. We both kind of came to the same conclusion together. Our relationship was designed for healing not the long haul. We had each other to lean on when no one else would or could. As we became stronger our neediness became less and our independence became greater. We are both at the point where we really need to go it alone.
There were a lot of other issues involved but they were minor...just like you...his kids and ex wife were constantly in the picture. I got a long with his kids but they still had a strong bond with the mom and were not sure they could share there dad with me...I appreciated there honesty. He talked with his ex wife at least 3 times a week by phone and was involved with her major and minor decisions...I was not comfortable with that either. She and his daughter came to visit numerous times and stayed at his house...I had to disappear. Not a good feeling.
We discovered that we both were trying to re-create our past. We wanted our family structure back and since it couldnt be with our ex's...we subconsciously were creating it with each other...understandable to a degree. That is not the basis of a good relationship. We put the breaks on.
I think this is one of the dangers of getting involved to quickly after a divorce. If you are not completely healed and are able to stand on your own two feet...you could become a victim of rebound relationships. That can be equally painful. I didnt understand this when I first came here and was warned about this...I was told that you must heal and become whole all by yourself before entering a relationship...I totally get that now. Now...I'm in a committed relationship with myself and am loving it. I feel lonely sometimes but I think thats a good thing. I am feeling more whole within myself than I ever have.
rbsingle...your heart is telling you something and only you know what that is. If you are feeling confused do nothing until it clears. Sit quietly and listen to your inner self. Trust that that voice will never lead you in the wrong direction. You may not always understand in the moment...but it will become clear as time goes by...Big Hugs...Kathy
If your not feeling right about something...its important to know that these are your feelings...its your inner self telling you something about you. Its not necessarily about him at all...Big Hugs...Kathy
If you read what you wrote, I think you will see that you are already in an unhealthy relationship and so is he.. You say you can not stand the drama? It is going to get worse. You are using withholding behavior to get what you want and try and control him? He is not divorced, which may not be that big of a deal, but he lives with his parents and the only reason he is getting divorced because of you? You are in the post, making excuses for him and what he has not done. You think that the "right" thing to do is he has to marry you to be sexual. You are using withholding try and control this, and to get what.. unhealthy. You are setting terms on the relationship for what reason? Because you do not want to be without him? He tells you he will be ready in Jan and wants to save 5000! So he is not divorced, broke, and lives with his parents, and you are withholding and play games to get him to " step up to the plate"... Seriously, you are not thinking. This either needs some serious work or you need to really figure out where you are, because this is disaster. WHY would you want to remarry so fast. Not to mention and ex wife, sisters who butt in and sons still in college...
If you really want to hear it, this is what I say. it is direct and If not, don't read on. Move in with the guy friend, as long as you are not doing it to push the BF to marry you. If this move is because of financial reasons move in, if because you are afraid to be alone, don't move in. Learn to be independent emotionally. Take a break from the BF. Tell him that you want to not see him for 3 months or longer. Tell him, get divorced, get a job and then we will see where we are. Figure out what he has that you need so much that you think this guy is worth marrying. Give it some space, what is the big hurry. IF you are afraid that he all you can get.. rethink and work on your self esteem. There are millions of men out there if that is your goal. You came here because you are upset and it is not going well.. if you want us to agree, well I agree!
Trust me, my first instinct was are you kidding? Would you want your daughter involved with this guy? That is benchmark a friend once said to another friend with a questionable guy. What Jenny said is what another friend said to my friend.. RUN! I do wish you the best, but I believe for some, you were treated poorly in a marriage, and that if one guy shows a teeny bit of respect and care.. you fall for it. He is not exceptional.. you deserve better. HUGS
"I was great alone, and I am great with someone. The difference, I don't need anyone, my BF is a want, not a need".
The difference between want and need is a big deal for me. I use it in a lot of decisions i make.
All the things you have written just reinforce EVERYTHING I have ever read about "rebound" relationships -- or those relationships that get started BEFORE one or both of the parties are divorced.
Better to put the brakes on NOW than let this run on longer. I'm with whoever said to tell him "get your divorce, get a job and then we'll see where we are."
Personally, I think there's something MUCH BETTER out there for you. Also, $5k isn't much of a "cushion" these days. And if your male friend is letting you move in because your finances are shaky, then it would be a good idea for YOU to save up some money, too -- before you consider this relationship or any other one.
Just my two cents.