Debra.. you did all the right actions dealing with a stbx. Do not discount any actions, and I understand what you mean that you were not afraid, but please remember in divorce, you may not know the person you thought you did. Divorce is about compromise and reasonable actions... you are dealing with someone that doesn't do either> Be careful.

I advise this, and this is from personal experience. Make sure you tell your lawyer about the incident. Get a copy of the police report, he did not have a real mental break, he is angry. Anger is explosive. AND this can be used to your advantage in divorce proceedings. It took years for my ex and I to end it. I had a lawyer in the wings for a long time, advising me, but I had not formally hired him. We talked every Friday night from May until Dec, he knew me, I knew him personally. He was stunned when I told him about some rage incidents with my ex after I hired him. He said why did you never tell me this.. I thought in this state, no fault, it would not be involved in the divorce. He said it has nothing to do with no fault divorce. I said I thought that his behavior did not matter. He said that is marital misconduct, and I am going to use it if we need to. I went and got the police reports myself, saved some money so my lawyers paralegal did not have to get them...

I never had him arrested, but like you, the police were here twice. I also walked out once and went to the sheriff when he said he was gong to claim I hit him! I did not of course. I made sure each time there was a notation in the record. with the sheriffs. In the divorce settlement negotiations, we went right down to the wire about alimony, to the morning of the scheduled trial. My lawyer and I think that having 2 sheriffs on my witness list, probably helped have him settle with me and our lawyers before the trial that morning... I actually said to him, you want to go to trial, you are not going to look too good, mr nice guy!

I did some of my own legal work, we filed jointly without lawyers, and would never not have a lawyer in a 28 year marriage/divorce. BUT I learned something very important, that anything on your side, whether you use it or not, is or can be significant. Behavior counts, past and during a divorce. Best to you, and all here, be safe.

I think you did the right thing at the time. I don't believe any suicide threat should be ignored. That said...I agree with Ms Terey...if there is another incident like this, call the police and have them handle it. A person threatening suicide needs immediate treatment and evaluation.

I feel like I've somehow taken the attention from cantstay2 post, I'm sorry sweetie....I promise that was not my intention I just wanted to let you know I totally understood where you were emotionally right then. Being honest though....I received some very great advice.....thank you ladies. Thank you Tobywinn....I'm broken for sure:( and im fixing that which is broken. I ran long before he got to me and had the police on the line before he cleared the stairs. I was scared I guess more for him because at that very moment I thought he was going for his gun. I thought he was going to literally blow his brains out. In front of me and my children. That's what was frozen in my mind. Thank you Ms. Terey....great advice:) I've got a copy of the complaint order and I'll keep that handy and remember to talk to the attorney as soon as I've hired one. HealingT....I feel like we've been living with the same man....I'm so sorry, it's awful. KaMary....I think you are right on about the therapy and we are scheduled for some family counseling.

Cantstay....you're a strong woman! You truly inspire me that this can be done and I will be happy! Thank you!

Thanks to all!
Deb

Debra - no need for apologies...see how it works? I think I might be in an isolated situation but learn there are so many others. We all get to learn from each other, get out stories out there and it all adds to the healing process and THAT is what this is all about!

Liz

Liz....that's one of the best things about this board. There are so many times these last few weeks that I've felt so alone and confused. Then I found this board and learned that I'm not the only one going through losing a longtime marriage but also that other people are going through some of the exact same scenarios that I found myself coping with! I've gone from feeling alone to feeling empowered! Still hurting yeap....but feeling stronger and better prepared to do what's right for me, instead of taking him back because I'm scared of the future.

I owe you all so much!
Deb

Awww Hugs ladies...I too am amazed at the commonalities in our stories. I absolutely agree with the advise given. Suicide threats are not to be disregarded...although often they are bluffs...you just never know...calling the authorities is a right coarse of action for their safety as well as your own. What I learned is...if a person is going to carry out that threat...there is absolutely nothing you personally can do to stop it...nor is it your place to. Taking on that responsibility is self sabotage. When I went through that it was advised by the professionals to do exactly what MsTerey mentioned. I was also told that someone who threatens that type of behaviour is doing it out of a desperate need to manipulate a person refusing to be manipulated. To do this to young adults or children is a serious form of abuse which needs to be addressed by a professional with the stipulation that until that counselling is sought...minor children should not be in that persons care....Big Hugs...Kathy

My first reaction is the same as what Debra said so eloquently: "you made this bed you stupid fucker, lay in it." But in reality you can THINK that, but the smart move to make is to call 911 and let THEM handle it. Don't go over there -- to do so is just playing into his hand. Talk to the kids about it and tell them to do the same thing IF he should be so stupid as to call them again.

When things started looking grim for the now-X during negotiations for a financial settlement, I said to him on MORE than one occasion:

"This is just ONE consequence of YOUR actions and YOUR decisions." Nothing more was necessary -- he got my point.

@ Debra: To add to Ms Tersey's post, I want to inform you, if the court finds that you had allowed continued unsupervised interactions in private with your man, more likely they will throw your complaints of his misconduct out the window.

a few weeks before wthe ex left, (we were just waiting for him to find a place to live) - my ex was out. was about 11pm at night. He texted me several times to say that he was going to end it all. He was going to jump off the bluff a few streets away from where we lived. I found out later he had been drinking and with another woman. I had to take the threat of suicide seriously so I got out of bed, threw on some clothes and got in the car. Just at the end of our street, there he was, sitting in his car with a hot Mcdonald's meal. He had no intention of killing himself. Besides, wouldn't you pick a better "last supper?"

Lucy - love the last supper comment.

I hate the manipulation they put us through. He is still trying to manipulate the older daughter, she is now irritated with him. But this time it was a "ok, I won't bother you again" text...it was because she didn't answer her phone or his text. She told me that she didn't have time because she had three classes back to back, two training sessions, a meeting with a nutritionist (for soccer) and volunteered at church...

The younger one has texted him three times saying I love you dad, no matter what, and he hasn't responded.

ASS ASS ASS

I haven't read all the responses, but in a way I am dealing with something a little similar with my ex, and our son.
We have 3 grown children, the eldest is married and lives in Brazil, so he is lucky enough to be far away and able to live his own life, and our youngest, a daughter is away in college and very busy with her studies and own life. The one who concerns me is our middle son - because I feel he thinks he is needs to be responsible for taking care of his father. My ex only has a part time job, and as far as I can make out he doesn't seem to be making over much effort to find something more fulltime. He is a pathetic mess who seems to rely on everyone to pick up the pieces around him. Because of his heavy drinking and resultant bad behaviour, he has allienated many would be friends.
I think it is so wrong for a man of 60 to be expecting his kids to take care of him, when he is a perfectly strong and healthy individual. I try not to interfere, but find it very hard not to try to speak to our son about it.
I just keep praying about it. Thankfully that son has moved away to the neighbouring state for his job, so I am hoping that the distance will make my ex get his own act together finally.
I know how you feel, and like you, I really don't quite know what to do about it. Sorry I have not exactly helped much, but hopefully it helps to know you are not alone with this kind of problem.
Good luck with this. It is a tough one!!