I think you did the right thing. I don't have any advice to add. Like you wrote, he has issues he doesn't want to confront. It's not your responsibility to do any more than you have already done. He was screaming for attention and he got some. (((HUGS)))

and I HATE that I am the one that gave him that attention, but my high schooler isn't equipped to handle this and the college age kid is amazing but she can't get here and doesn't need this hanging on her. She plays college soccer and has classes, her head needs to be there, not on what he might do...

I feel like I enabled him to continue bad behavior, but I seriously only went to be able to tell our daughter that I saw him and he is ok, well, ok for him

and thanks Misred

This is high drama, and desperate crap from your ex, to get attention as you said. I think that him harming himself is highly unlikely, though you have to take MOST suicide threats seriously on some level. IF there is a next time, my advice is to call the police. Let them deal with him and if he need mental evaluation or help, they will make sure he gets it. NOT go over there, not fall into the high drama he wants and the attention he is getting from this. It will accomplish a number of things, one if he is really going off the deep end, the police will deal with it. Two you will not have to deal with it, nor your kids.

Think about this, what would you be able to do other than give him the attention he is demanding? This is not about suicide, it about him. I understand you did it because your daughter was upset, but make sure you discuss this with them, and suggest that if he does this again, they all call the police. Just me, but I would state that is what I would be doing if this ever happens again. This is the last time he pulls this on me talk, and state you are not going to run off and "check" on him.That is what is suggested by pros, call the police.

There is another reason you let pros handle this.. and although I can't tell, you do not want to go over and deal or engage with him not only for the attention factor, but your own safety as well. Jerks go off the deep end, take ex spouses hostage and murder/suicides. NOT that common, but that is why mental health professionals and suicide prevention and help lines do not want exes to intervene. I am a somewhat of a smart ass myself.. email him the number of the National Suicide Hotline. Call them, not your daughters or you! I think you handled this well.. and how horrible he manipulated your daughters. HE is a jerk ((HUGS))

I was posting at the same time as Misred and you.. and even worse, he is really causing undue stress to your daughters in school or college. At that age, you don't have the time and distance of our age, to see what is going on with situations like this. So talk to them, and make sure they understand that he is not a child, and they are not his parents, nor are you! That they should always be open to talking to you about anything, even him. I know you are a good parent. More shame on him for getting your children, and probably his mother upset too.. self centered jerks, do that....

MsTerey - You are so right. I will say that I was half hoping to get pulled over so that I could tell them and they would take over. I have called the police in the past when we were having big issues and let them deal with it. That time he was extremely drunk and I knew I couldn't deal with it.

While I don't worry about my safety I probably should, people do snap. And knowing that I went over gave him some sort of twisted satisfaction I am sure. It did remind me how dysfunctional the relationship was and how draining.

Many good points to ponder. Thank you again

I did tell him it was not OK to do what he did. That it was unfair and wrong. I know kids (recently) who have had parents try to commit suicide, and one that died of cancer within a month of diagnosis (she was a very close friend) and the terrible issues these kids are having is enormous!

Keep it coming. This is really helping me.

Correct me if I'm wrong. I think his goal wasn't to get you to come over there...the goal was sympathy from his daughter. It's too late now, but I guess you could of told him next time he pulls the stunt with your daughter, you won't being coming over and instead will call the police to check on you. Ugh, his poor mother!

I agree to set yourself apart from his manipulations. You might need to clearly set your boundaries defining which specific "dangerous" situations in which you will respond: such as hospitalizations from accidents. This is a good time to put limits on the type of communications you are willing to accept from/about the ex...that includes behavior. Now that you know he plays on creating emotional crises, you might have to instruct him [and others] not to call you as his "first response" but appropriately call 911 himself if he is in immediate danger. This is the first rule even for small children, learning how to call for help. With all seriousness, I suggest that he get a trust fund and other life documents in order for any uneventful incidents that may happen in life....to protect his children.

Can'tstay......I just DID this exact same thing with my own stbx. Maybe 10 days ago!.,..Long story short, he was over to pack up a few of his things and he became 'unhinged' while there. He started ranting and raving, cursing, flinging his arms and talking about blowing his brains out.

I told him he needed to go....right now, this wasn't health and his behavior was scaring me and our two youngest that were in the house (16, 14). When I told him to leave he refused and came charging up the stairs coming at me like a locomotive! Talk about terrified. I told him I was calling the police....oh man, mistake! Just call!! Dont announce the call first! Pissed him off even more. I knew if he got my cell phone out of my hand he was gonna smash it. I wasn't ever afraid of him hurting me or the kids....but I was scared of damaged to himself and/or property. He cursed out his 14 yo, he blamed all his personal failings on me. Yelled, raged....cried, everything. He had a mental break.

I did call the police....they came and calmed him down. I personally thought that he needed to get a psych eval. But they told him he needed to leave and he wasn't allowed to come back that night.

More and more I see that there are many patterns that seem to follow the betrayed spouses, cheating spouses or spouses that are wanting out for want ever reason.

He too was feeling like no one cared about HIS feelings, no one wanted anything to do with him, he lost his whole family. No one stopped to consider that he was hurting too! He actually had the nerve to feel sorry for himself!

My thought was.....you made this bed you stupid fucker, lay in it. Did he honestly think it was going to be a piece of cake to announce that he wanted a divorce from his disabled spouse of 18 years?? Over 20 fairly good years together.....certainly good enough that no one saw this coming? Did he think the kids wouldn't be angry or upset.

It was a horrible night for all involved but no one more than the kids.

I'm sorry you had to go through your own thing:( It's horrible....it's scary!

Deb

Deb, that is a very scary situation. I am glad to hear that there was finally an end to it last night. I will pray that things don't go there again for you.

Toby, he says that he has things in order, but he talks a LOT and takes little action.

I talked to our college daughter and let her know that he is hurting and lonely and that was what it was stemmed from. I am sorry he is going through this, but he did make this mess. I tried to talk to him about it when we were divorcing but he dismissed me.

sigh...I know I am fumbling around with how I handled this, but I won't go from now on, I will tell my daughter I will handle it and I will call the cops

@ Debra: The man charged at you and you claim you "wasn't afraid" .... you should be !!! Charging is an immediate act with the intent to harm. You were lucky he didn't throw you down the stairs. My dear, your danger compass has stopped working, and so I beg you not to EVER be alone with this man again. Schedule a friend to be at your side. Get it into your head, this man fears consequences and perceives you as a threat .....and the threat of calling the police meant exactly that !!. You do better by going NO CONTACT. Be smart and keep yourself away from him.

My ex while the divorce was going on eluded a couple times to suicide, I took it very seriously but luckily he never went through with that. My divorce lawyers paralegal said it is a common threat during divorce. Mine just didn't want to pay alimony at the time. He is fine with it now, go figure. It scared me to death that he made these threats because never had he ever in our marriage made threats like that. It is a tough thing to deal with and i certainly feel for you.

hugs

My x also talked about suicide while we were married. About two years before he actually left, he packed his bags and marched out the door in a huff - I had no idea why. About 1-1/2 hours later he returned and asked to talk with me. He then went on to tell me that he didn't think I loved him enough and that he had thought about suicide. Talk about a guilt trip! He is not an emotionally healthy man, and he nearly succeeded in taking me down to the pit of his crazy hell with him. When he finally left two years ago - the first thing that I felt was relief. He was a loose cannon emotionally, and I never knew who he was going to be from day to day. I don't think he would ever commit suicide, he's really too arrogant to do that. It was a ploy to control me. I agree with Ms. Terey - tell him that if he starts talking like this in front of your kids again - you WILL call the police. This is all a part of their BS manipulation/control game. I BEGGED my x to go to counseling on many occasions, but he refused to go. They just want attention and drama, and they don't care who they hurt in the process, even their own children.
Big Hugs

Cantstay, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I agree with the others that it was a cry for help and also for attention. I understand that people who announce that they're going to commit suicide, never do.

I agree with going 'no contact' as much as possible as soon as possible.

I know you can't force a horse to drink but he does need therapy. He's not handling things well. He needs to learn how to act like the father, not the child.

I also think your kids (and Debra, yours too) need therapy after going through this kind of experience. Children of divorce have the unfortunate habit of blaming themselves for the divorce. The last thing they need is to blame themselves/hold themselves responsible for the emotional health of a parent. Often, kids will keep their thoughts to themselves and they fester. Better to get them to a counsellor who can help them talk it out.

love and hugs
kamary