I'm not sure how long you were married or what state you are in, but others have advised to sit down and make a realistic list of your financial needs--and include everything. We had a list on here once and one person said to include the cost of things like going to the hair salon and vet visits for pets--I never would have thought of these! Try to get a true view of what you really need.

Be aware that if you have been a stay at home mom that you may be entitled to alimony and if you've been married a certain amount of time, half of his retirement benefits.

You could also look up the divorce laws in your state. Check out divorcesource.com.

Sorry you are going through this but glad you have found us here. Welcome to DS.

Your lawyer should have the list of everything conceivable. And you need to be honest and don't try to be too nice about it, myself I was to nice about it. If you honestly spend 200 a week on groceries and 60 a month on pet food, 100 on salon visits, put it down or you might end up cutting corners more than you like. I wish Id put down some things I left blank even though my lawyer warned me, grr, I was way too nice.
So far as working goes if your lawyer thinks you should have a job then by all means get one but try to find one you think will be enjoyable so you will not hate being there if possible.
This could well end up being the most important business deal of your life!

I agree with Iquitnow. As a California attorney, I have boilerplate provisions I always put in place. COBRA, exchanging tax returns yearly, a built-in support increase in the event the ex spouse earns more money, a cost of living increase, life insurance as security for support, a waiver of reimbursement claims by your ex, etc.

Good luck to you!

Reading these have helped me as well. Married 29 years and was a stay at home mom too. Did some odd jobs on the side but nothing 'professional'. I left, no affairs, just felt like I was suffocating and not myself for the last 8 yrs. I was feeling guilty of taking up to half (assets) but am letting the lawyer hash it out. The details and end will come but reading these helped me realize he has the 'kitty', I have nothing and I need to eat and think of my future as well. I'll keep pluggin....and reading....

A girlfriend of mine told me a story yesterday about a friend of hers who went through a divorce and now, her husband is refusing to pay for things he agreed to in the divorce decree. I asked her how he could get away with that. She said that her friend does have the means now to hire an attorney to enforce the decree! OMG, I was shocked and felt so very sorry for her. What's the purpose of a decree if it's not enforceable without hiring an attorney? I am definitely building in additional costs for attorney fees should that ever come up.

Yep....a judgement means that a person is held accountable to comply. When they don't they are in contempt of court. However, it falls on the other side to prosecute them!!!! My friend had a similar situation in that her ex husband would not abide by the cutsody agreement. She had to keep taking him back to court to argue this point. He would pay a fine and go off on his way. The problem was, he had a wealthy family and she was broke and alone. She could no longer afford to take legal action against him. So he got away with it.

Our justice system is seriously flawed.

Wow. Pretty shocking and really scary!!! I'll have to ask my attorney how to prepare for that just in case it happens. I'm sure that in the beginning, everyone has the best intentions. But then, there is reality and new expenses and other things that come up that make an that obligation very difficult to fulfill. Sometimes, it may just be a matter of who's going to suffer, me or my ex. Probably not going to be my ex.

I underestimated my needs-I was emotionally devastated and should have never signed anything. I felt sure he would take care of his kids, etc.

Live and learn. Good luck to you!

That's my greatest fear - underestimating my needs. I have gone over and over and over my expense sheet trying to think of every little thing that I need now and in the future. It's very difficult to do that. Not-so-little things like planning ahead for additional attorneys fees and court costs - who would have known to do that? I've just been talking to everyone I know that has gone through this. I hate making them rehash a miserable time in their lives but most have been eager to help - up to a point.

Lori63 - Your attorney should have been looking out for you. Most of us are emotionally devastated at this time. Our divorce financial planner submitted our financials to both our attorneys yesterday for review. My attorney immediately responded with a no way. She said your husband is "getting off cheap." She indicated that she would advocate for a much longer term for alimony until "we are sure you can make it on your own." At the age of 55, I felt enormous comfort in that. She's got my back at a time when I feel so worried and unsure of what's to come.

Unfortunately all attorneys don't look out for their clients. Mine didn't. I don't just say that because I was unhappy. Some things the law office did after make me believe my atty screwed up & I wonder if I should persue it further. Not that I can afford it.
I like Lori felt my ex would do right by our kids, yet he hasn't paid half of their expenses as per our divorce decree. Don't misunderstand, he does buy some things for the kids, yet doesn't reimburse me for half their expenses...clothes, medicine, etc.
it sounds like your atty is working for you and you are wise to ask around for knowledge.
Best of luck.

Sorry to hear that after27. I would be so angry. I'm trying so hard to think of everything that could possibly come up so that once the agreement is done, it is done. I don't want to have to continually rehash things. I would think that would greatly add to the stress of it all. I want it done, over with, gone. So we can move on independently and happily. I don't want to feel regret.

I had to take mine back to court three times over the alimony. He reduced it and the court said pay the full amount. He left and didn't comply with the court order. It took another court appearance and he started paying me the full amount. It took some time to find him. Then this last time he had to sign the farm over to me, pay my back alimony (9 months worth) and all my atty fees or he was going to jail.

I had a non-modifiable clause in my property settlement that saved my alimony payments from the ex.. Nothing could be changed unless we both agreed and went back thru the court system. Whoever was in default had to pay the other's atty. fees. That got terribly expensive on the ex but he kept tryi

There are attys. and then there are good attys. I had the best atty. I could have ever hoped to find. He listened to every one of my "what ifs" and covered them in the agreement. He must have thought I was being paranoid but the ex tried everyone of those what ifs. I knew him well. LOL. MY atty wasn't cheap but damn he was good. I think he's now charging 500 an hour and I was lucky to get him to take my case. We went to court six times; three for the divorce and three for not paying my alimony. The man is brilliant.

I realize that I am pretty naive about divorce. That's why i'm here. But, to me, if you had to go to court again and again and again to get your husband to comply, something is terribly wrong with that agreement. Can't you tie in the alimony payments to the his life insurance so that if he doesn't pay, it comes out of his life insurance? There has got to be some built-in incentive for him to keep up with the payments and to fully comply with the agreement. How can you live without being paid what you need to get by?

It isn't the agreement it's the man or woman who doesn't want to honor it. The courts or even the spouse who is entitled to the alimony really doesn't know her ex spouse that well in a divorce situation. That tends to bring out the worst in a man/woman. . We all go into these agreements with a certain amount of trust that the ex's will honor their agreements. After a certain amount of time they decide they shouldn't be paying "their money" to someone they are no longer married to.

I was one of the lucky ones in that I had history on the ex with some foreign GFs and he committed bigamy. I knew he would do to me what he did to them. I have a 34 acre farm so I boarded horses and saved every bit of that board money. At one point every field had at least two horses in it and I have six fields fenced off. I had no paid help and did all the work myself. We split savings twice and then his retirement accts that I didn't touch. I got half of the retirement accts but that is for me to live on and I'm doing that now. So I had extra money coming in to cover the bills. I'm great at robbing peter to pay paul. The first time he reduced my alimony I had contracted for a new well. I put the well in because I couldn't afford for rumors to get around town. The next I needed a new hot water heater. MY electric co-op put in a new water heater free if I let them put a timer on it. Then the refrigerator died and I bought a new one at Sears with no interest and 12 months to pay. There is always a way to get things done you just have to find it.

I've been blessed with having my needs filled. My needs not my wants. When he wasn't paying me I went into the emergency fund to pay bills and did without. I have a large veggie garden and still try to can my veggies for winter. No one in this town knew I wasn't getting paid. When I got paid that went back into my emergency fund for the next time and there was a next time. I no longer have to wonder if I will get paid. I could have had lifetime alimony but I knew what he was going to try and I chose alimony for the short term and a lot of it. My life is quiet for now. I can't for the life of me think of any way the ex has left to try to cause me financial harm. A lot of people do honor their legal agreements and only you would know how your ex might handle his agreement to pay you,

I hear you. I just don't get the point of going through ALL the effort and enormous expense to get an agreement just right if the ex can decide at some point not to go through it or reduce it at will. What's the point? There has got to be a way to build something into that agreement that will provide enough incentive for them to pay up or be penalized severely for it. It's just too tempting to not pay otherwise, especially to someone you're not married to anymore.