I had a rather profound realization today that I hope will help so many of you who are hurting because you're stuck in the pit of sadness and feeling helpless and alone. I know those feelings very well myself. A little over two years ago, the life I had known for nearly 30 years shattered. I was certain that I would not survive the destruction. Throughout the months that followed, I worked hard to pull myself up from that infernal pit only to fall back down again and again. I thought I would never recover. I read books, so many books. I went through therapy. I went through Divorce Care. I interacted with all of you here. I was a dutiful student struggling to achieve a passing grade in the Recovering From Divorce 101 course, though I usually felt I was pulling a C at best.

As some of you may know, I've recently been in a new relationship, my first since my divorce. This is only the 2nd serious relationship I've ever had. I have much to learn. But, gratefully, I've learned a lot in the course of this short relationship. I feel pretty sure that it's reaching its inevitable ending, and I'm completely okay with that. I knew going in that I would not marry this man. I simply wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. Recently, I've begun to understand a few things about my marriage that I couldn't "see" before now. For instance, I've realized that I loved the idea of marriage and being in a relationship more than I truly loved my ex, especially in the last several years. I thought I was in love with him. I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that I was. Now, I'm not so sure. Perhaps at certain times in our marriage I was. But, I see now that I loved the idea of him, the idea of our marriage, of being part of a duo and not "alone." But, it was while I was married that I felt more alone than ever. I was lost. The experiences I'm having in this new relationship are opening windows of understanding that were simply not possible for me before. This was my ah-ha moment!

I've seen so many posts here that are full of despair, longing to be in a better place, wondering why there's no forward movement in the process of recovery, etc. The reason may be that you, my dear friends and fellow divorce recovery students, haven't had those windows opened for you yet. This relationship isn't my only harbinger of enlightenment. There have been others. And, prior to their arrival, I simply couldn't take the next step on the path to recovery. My message here is that you are all progressing exactly as you should be, and when the time is right your windows will open and allow you to see more clearly the things you need to and want to see to heal, move on, and rebuild your lives. You can't force these windows to appear. They will do so only when you are truly ready. I clung to my marriage as if my life depended on it, no matter how miserable I was. I clung to its memories. I dug in my heals and refused to give up, long past when it was reasonable and healthy to do so. This time, I see the terminal at the end of the track and I can smile. It's been fun, and I'm grateful for the experience. I'm not sad, nor will I cling to something that is no longer good for me. Instead, I will eagerly await what's waiting for me around the bend. I get to keep the lessons I've learned and the growth I've made. What a precious gift!

I hope this helps those of you who feel stuck and wonder what, if anything, you're doing wrong. You're not doing anything wrong. No matter how ready you think you are, perhaps there's still more growth necessary before your windows will appear. But, appear they will, and then you will have the peace you need to move forward. Just keep taking one step at a time.

All my best,
Kim