Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Grab a coffee or a tea. Perhaps a snack too as I am full of thoughts and confusion today.
Sorry gang I seem to go mia for long periods. But I am here because this group helps so much in my sorting of thoughts.
Reason #1 mia: My sister went through a traumatic experience. We aren't as close as before but it's still family. Long story short, they found something (I'll call it a bubble) in her back after several missed diagnosis. First, kidney stones. Then, gall bladder. They sent to chiropractor for possible back. Ended up with MRI on a Friday. Doctor off on Monday, read results on Tuesday. Called her to get to hospital immediately or if it burst she would not survive. That whole thing from beginning to end took over 3 months. Hospital week, rehab 2 months, then home. But still not able to work. She owns her own business but so far it's surviving.
Reason #2: Found out that after not feeling up to par for months (I think a lot is stress over my sister) my dad goes to doctor. They do blood work and in office tests. Doc feels pretty sure my dad has beginning of Parkinson's. My dad is 75 and cares for my 85 year old mom who already has many health issues. She is diabetic, knee issues, back issues, had massive heart attack 5 years ago and hasn't fully recovered. I see her decline. It tears my heart apart. (in case you are doing the math, he's my step-dad but dad since i was 5. I'm 60 now)
Reason #3: I have so many things. A surprise water issue. Plumber resolved $190.00 later. My computer ended up with virus. Kept freezing up on me.. Resolved by very nice man who does fixes in his spare time. Took mercy on me $40.00. Both within 1 week of each other. Month or so before, new exhaust on vehicle $246.00.
Ok who thinks I have money??? I definitely don't. Just got letter from my landlord (I own my modular but pay lot rent) that rent is going up $50.month starting October. Electric company got increase. Gas company rates went up. My money isn't going up with the rest. In fact, csea hasn't received my check from his employer this week. It's been consistently on wednesday or thursday for months now.
My major thing now is these dang moods. Crying is the biggest thing lately. Just sudden bouts of flooding eyes. I have blocked him on fb and it's been so peaceful. I have heard that he got a new harley. Got first one $25000 2 years ago.(before divorce but judge didn't seem to care he violated not selling old bike to get new one) This one is $30000. Makes me happy if he had a negative on the new loan. (my bad) Unless wifey bought it. He's living large. Newer truck and new bike.
I know I shouldn't listen to gossip. It comes from friends who love me. I tell them he is what he is. I have no fears of no money for long. I will just visit my courts. It aggravates me though that they both (employer and exass) have orders but do what they want. Same thing during divorce. He had orders and did what he wanted. No repercussions. Totally unfair.
I feel like stuck in limbo. I go out some with friends. I am not on dating sights. I don't go to "find" a man. I go to get out of this house. I loved working. Being around people. But conditions from last job have left me with a wrap to wear if on feet more than an hour. After 3/4 hours I feel worse. It has pad to place in back area to put pressure on problem area. Feels like a body cast. If not worn, then my lower back starts spasming. Just walking hurts it but I keep on moving. I can take relaxers but just half if not at home as it can make me tired. Guess you could say this 60 year old body is tired.
I've tried to get babysitting jobs as I still watch my 2 year old grandson. Couple referrals but they haven't called me yet. Life is just so frustrating!!!
I keep getting snippets of the ex. Not of any type of reunion. Just a type of release for me. Mostly in my dreams. My oldest (29 almost) got a text from dad. Dad wanted to know where to send money for grandson's birthday. To his house or to his mothers. (July 25th was birthday. he got text week after) I know bloodline makes him grandson but he's never seen in person. Just through pictures from his daughters. Well it wasn't good. Son said "mom's".
.He doesn't have son's address. Then son went off on him. He had heard (he's truckdriver too) through friends who know both that dad was going to stop sending money soon. Also, that he talks to son quite often. Mom was reason they had no relationship. My son was not happy. He said his piece to dad. Needless to say, no card, no text, no reply since.
Younger son's birthday was 1 week later. (27) No card, no text, nothing. He wasn't surprised but he did bring it up. I think there is a part in both that aren't content with no contact but I don't step in. They have to handle. Son just told me he considers him a wasted piece of human and wants nothing to do with him. He's happy. I believe he's mostly happy. But it still hurts me to know they are so angry. I see it. I feel it. I stay out of it.
Soooo how does one who is only 2 years post divorce really believe there is a rainbow at the end. How do I stop these moods? Remember the show "I dream of Jeanie"? I often wish with a twitch of my nose I could remove myself from a stressful situation. Too bad it's not that easy.
Here's one to try. I still do tapping and now this. Relieve stress through our 5 senses. When stressed, SEE 5 things to look at. A sunset, a smile, a movie etc. HEAR 4 things that sooth. Music, laughter (even if your own), etc. SMELL 3 things. A candle, fresh mown grass etc. TASTE 2 things that make you feel good. Not the whole container of ice cream though lol and the last 1 TOUCH. Whether it's your grandchild ( mine always makes me feel good), your pet, or that gorgeous hairdo.
Doing all this I believe makes one thankful for what they have. I am truly thankful. Don't get me wrong. I still believe I am entitled to a meltdown here and there. Last real biggie was over 6 months. So if I had another after 6 months that isn't bad. I would love to reach that point where I no longer have any.
Advice welcome. Criticism accepted. Remedies most appreciated. I commend all those who have recovered. I want to be amongst that group. I can't seem to stop feeling bad that the life I wanted isn't a reality. I am not stupid to think what I had in our marriage was good. It was mostly bad. Just trying to hold the seams together through all the cheating and lying. Putting on that "we're a big happy family" facade. I am responsible for putting up with it for so long. I am proud I was the one who finally ended it. It just seems wrong that he's so happy (or is he?) and I feel so lonely. Trust? How do I even think about another relationship with these trust issues. I have to find the key to stop my memories, stop these moods, stop these worries and be happy with what I have. My sons, my grandchild, my friends, family and pretty decent health. Who doesn't want "happy"?
(cowgirl how many years to recover? I was 29 years )
Sorry gang I seem to go mia for long periods. But I am here because this group helps so much in my sorting of thoughts.
Reason #1 mia: My sister went through a traumatic experience. We aren't as close as before but it's still family. Long story short, they found something (I'll call it a bubble) in her back after several missed diagnosis. First, kidney stones. Then, gall bladder. They sent to chiropractor for possible back. Ended up with MRI on a Friday. Doctor off on Monday, read results on Tuesday. Called her to get to hospital immediately or if it burst she would not survive. That whole thing from beginning to end took over 3 months. Hospital week, rehab 2 months, then home. But still not able to work. She owns her own business but so far it's surviving.
Reason #2: Found out that after not feeling up to par for months (I think a lot is stress over my sister) my dad goes to doctor. They do blood work and in office tests. Doc feels pretty sure my dad has beginning of Parkinson's. My dad is 75 and cares for my 85 year old mom who already has many health issues. She is diabetic, knee issues, back issues, had massive heart attack 5 years ago and hasn't fully recovered. I see her decline. It tears my heart apart. (in case you are doing the math, he's my step-dad but dad since i was 5. I'm 60 now)
Reason #3: I have so many things. A surprise water issue. Plumber resolved $190.00 later. My computer ended up with virus. Kept freezing up on me.. Resolved by very nice man who does fixes in his spare time. Took mercy on me $40.00. Both within 1 week of each other. Month or so before, new exhaust on vehicle $246.00.
Ok who thinks I have money??? I definitely don't. Just got letter from my landlord (I own my modular but pay lot rent) that rent is going up $50.month starting October. Electric company got increase. Gas company rates went up. My money isn't going up with the rest. In fact, csea hasn't received my check from his employer this week. It's been consistently on wednesday or thursday for months now.
My major thing now is these dang moods. Crying is the biggest thing lately. Just sudden bouts of flooding eyes. I have blocked him on fb and it's been so peaceful. I have heard that he got a new harley. Got first one $25000 2 years ago.(before divorce but judge didn't seem to care he violated not selling old bike to get new one) This one is $30000. Makes me happy if he had a negative on the new loan. (my bad) Unless wifey bought it. He's living large. Newer truck and new bike.
I know I shouldn't listen to gossip. It comes from friends who love me. I tell them he is what he is. I have no fears of no money for long. I will just visit my courts. It aggravates me though that they both (employer and exass) have orders but do what they want. Same thing during divorce. He had orders and did what he wanted. No repercussions. Totally unfair.
I feel like stuck in limbo. I go out some with friends. I am not on dating sights. I don't go to "find" a man. I go to get out of this house. I loved working. Being around people. But conditions from last job have left me with a wrap to wear if on feet more than an hour. After 3/4 hours I feel worse. It has pad to place in back area to put pressure on problem area. Feels like a body cast. If not worn, then my lower back starts spasming. Just walking hurts it but I keep on moving. I can take relaxers but just half if not at home as it can make me tired. Guess you could say this 60 year old body is tired.
I've tried to get babysitting jobs as I still watch my 2 year old grandson. Couple referrals but they haven't called me yet. Life is just so frustrating!!!
I keep getting snippets of the ex. Not of any type of reunion. Just a type of release for me. Mostly in my dreams. My oldest (29 almost) got a text from dad. Dad wanted to know where to send money for grandson's birthday. To his house or to his mothers. (July 25th was birthday. he got text week after) I know bloodline makes him grandson but he's never seen in person. Just through pictures from his daughters. Well it wasn't good. Son said "mom's".
.He doesn't have son's address. Then son went off on him. He had heard (he's truckdriver too) through friends who know both that dad was going to stop sending money soon. Also, that he talks to son quite often. Mom was reason they had no relationship. My son was not happy. He said his piece to dad. Needless to say, no card, no text, no reply since.
Younger son's birthday was 1 week later. (27) No card, no text, nothing. He wasn't surprised but he did bring it up. I think there is a part in both that aren't content with no contact but I don't step in. They have to handle. Son just told me he considers him a wasted piece of human and wants nothing to do with him. He's happy. I believe he's mostly happy. But it still hurts me to know they are so angry. I see it. I feel it. I stay out of it.
Soooo how does one who is only 2 years post divorce really believe there is a rainbow at the end. How do I stop these moods? Remember the show "I dream of Jeanie"? I often wish with a twitch of my nose I could remove myself from a stressful situation. Too bad it's not that easy.
Here's one to try. I still do tapping and now this. Relieve stress through our 5 senses. When stressed, SEE 5 things to look at. A sunset, a smile, a movie etc. HEAR 4 things that sooth. Music, laughter (even if your own), etc. SMELL 3 things. A candle, fresh mown grass etc. TASTE 2 things that make you feel good. Not the whole container of ice cream though lol and the last 1 TOUCH. Whether it's your grandchild ( mine always makes me feel good), your pet, or that gorgeous hairdo.
Doing all this I believe makes one thankful for what they have. I am truly thankful. Don't get me wrong. I still believe I am entitled to a meltdown here and there. Last real biggie was over 6 months. So if I had another after 6 months that isn't bad. I would love to reach that point where I no longer have any.
Advice welcome. Criticism accepted. Remedies most appreciated. I commend all those who have recovered. I want to be amongst that group. I can't seem to stop feeling bad that the life I wanted isn't a reality. I am not stupid to think what I had in our marriage was good. It was mostly bad. Just trying to hold the seams together through all the cheating and lying. Putting on that "we're a big happy family" facade. I am responsible for putting up with it for so long. I am proud I was the one who finally ended it. It just seems wrong that he's so happy (or is he?) and I feel so lonely. Trust? How do I even think about another relationship with these trust issues. I have to find the key to stop my memories, stop these moods, stop these worries and be happy with what I have. My sons, my grandchild, my friends, family and pretty decent health. Who doesn't want "happy"?
(cowgirl how many years to recover? I was 29 years )
good because keeping all that inside can't help
advice, don't go mia, i post all sorts of intelligent prose and silly nonsense, and all get here at this sight is kindness
don't go mia, your posts and replies "work" here
Refurb you make me laugh:) how's your headache, mate? And I agree with you - posting our thoughts does help.
love and hugs
kamary
Kamary... I think hugging a tree sounds like a great idea! I like to hug my cat, but he bites me. He's not a lover, except when he wants to be. sigh The most peace I get is in nature and love going for walks on nature trails. I just look around, listen to the quiet and start thanking God for my health, my loved ones health, etc...and it brings me peace. :)
Nohappy...continue to come here when you need to. We're here for you! {{{nohappy}}}
I have rough days too, rolling around emotionally in the "never going to be able to retire, should have had this and that" crap that's so easy to fall into. But, just like you said, turning around and looking at the blessings in my life help me pull out of the mud and muck and start to breathe again.
It's good to hear today is better for you! Thanks for sharing.
SO, any tree will do but I am careful about who can see me when I hug the trees. One time, my little sister and I travelled a few miles into a state forest, looking for the perfect tree. We hugged a few and felt wonderful. But you won't believe it, a few days later, we heard on the news that a murderer had been planting his bodies in that forest!!!! I like to think we had to go so far so that we could find a 'safe' and 'clear' spot! Hasn't stopped me, though. Had the best tree hug a couple of weeks ago in a little country town near the public loos, and I didn't care who saw me. LOL.
I highly recommend tree-hugging and walking barefoot.
Also to SO, my cat used to bite me too!! My vet said she thought she was the boss in the tribe. She told me to hiss at her whenever she does it. The first time it happened, I had a visitor who I had not pre-warned. You should have seen her (my visitor) jump!! LOL It's worked, though. My cat hasn't bitten me in 4-5 years now.
love hugs and peace everyone
kamary
I'm a little late reading all of this. You asked "(cowgirl how many years to recover? I was 29 years )"
The old adage says that for every 5 years of a marriage, it takes 1 year to move beyond divorce. I was with the now-X for a total of 30 years (we lived together for 6 before getting married). As much as I hated it, it really DID take me 6 years to really get beyond it all. That doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold for that period of time, but healing DOES take time and you have to be really gentle with yourself.
Granted, the LESS you hear about whatever he is doing now and with whom, the better off you are. I had absolute minimal contact with the now-X post-divorce and told a few "well meaning" folks that I really didn't give a rat's ass what he was up to and to please stop "sharing" this kind of information with me.
These days (we were divorced 8 years this past March) whenever I hear anything about him, I just have to laugh -- he is soooo pathetic! and gladly NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE!
You'll be ok. Just hang in there and keep your mind focused on YOU and YOUR FUTURE! Hugs all around you. xoxo