I've been doing a lot of reading, meditation, and prayer lately on some areas in my life that I felt needed attention. Among them, I've felt that I needed to do some housecleaning in the friendship department. I've always believed that a person can never have too many friends. Yet, I've come to realize that merely calling someone a friend does not qualify them for the position. I think in divorce as in other sad and unpleasant circumstances, we tend to find out who our real friends are. It's a cliche, I know, but it exists because there's a kernel of truth in the message. I'm not one to get mad and hold grudges or arbitrarily cut people out of my life. I think that's rather evident if you've read any of my prior posts about the 24 years I stayed in an unhappy marriage. I'm not a quitter, and I don't give up easily. Having said all of that, I've come to realize that some of the people I've called my friends, friends from all the way back to elementary school, have, perhaps, served their purpose in my life.

My mother always told me that to have friends you have to be a friend. I took this to heart. I am a very good friend, most of the time. I'm not perfect, but I'm reliable and compassionate and honest. The problem comes in the fact that I'm also still too much of a people pleaser and I tend to do too much. I'm the friend who helps you move all weekend, or spends 5 days in a row sleeping on the floor to help do home improvements in order to sell a house, or picks you up when you need a ride to the airport, etc. etc. Yet, from some of these "friends" I get bombarded with platitudes akin to "buck up" or "it'll get better" or "just stay positive" or various other versions that essentially mean "get over it." Now, I haven't spoken of my divorce or anything related to it for quite some time, months in fact. Yet, when I had a particularly troublesome situation with my daughter, I reached out to these very same people who have enjoyed the benefit of my friendship and all that it encompasses numerous times. I asked only for their prayers and comfort and support. Some of them never responded at all and still haven't nearly a month later. And, yes, I know they got my request.

I've already experienced the cold shoulder and weird behavior of some of my married and coupled friends who, I suppose, see me now as a threat. I've had to leave the church I just joined because I realized too late that they really don't want single women lurking around. This mindset was so palpable that even an older man who is married, and also happens to be a friend of mine, said he noticed it. So, it wasn't just my perception. This is particularly hurtful given that I suffered the terrible consequences of my ex's infidelity, and now I'm treated as if I am capable of it. As hurtful as this is, I understand it's quite common after divorce.

I foolishly assumed that my "friends" would stand by me and be there for ME when I needed them. I've learned that this was an unrealistic expectation. I've attempted to gently talk with them about how I feel, but receive only more platitudes and dismissals. I'm thinking that, perhaps, it's time to let them go with love. I won't refuse them should they reach out to me, but I will not seek them out any longer nor will I commit my resources to their benefit any longer. I realize that in order for me to live in alignment with my highest good, it's going to be necessary at times to remove from my life people and circumstances that cause me more harm than good.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle it? I'd very much like to know if this is something that eventually passes or is it just part of the way things are now?

Thanks
Kim